Hope and love are queer, fickle things.
They can be the wind under your wings; lifting you higher and higher above the clouds until you transcend all it is that makes you mortal... for in those precious moments, you are not only soaring high above the ground; but you're also miles above your insecurities and fears and dark reality. You are ungrounded; in every sense of the word- and while it lasts, you feel serene; invincible; unshakable; as majestic as an eagle on the hunt.
Then, fall Caesar.
In the blink of an eye; your biggest strengths become your downfall... for the higher you were, the more terrible the drop. There are no chances of survival. There is no struggle to stay afloat; or a desperate scuffle as your wings try to find an updraft to keep you airborne... for there is no wind; no air; no atmosphere to begin with. You start choking as you drop like a stone; down, down, down... and the clouds cast their shadows upon you as you descend; embracing you like a lover, where mere seconds ago, the world was sunny and bright.
And yet, death will not come; because the spiral never ends.
You writhe and twist and turn, and yet death’s sweet embrace still eludes you. Nothing you do can snatch you from this horrible reality in which you're trapped... there is no relief to be found; no distractions; no reassurances. Sleep becomes a distant memory; friends and family and loved ones can no longer reach you, for you are miles below sea-level by now; alone in the oppressive darkness; unable to comprehend emotions other than emptiness and a pain excruciating enough to make you long for death with every cell in your body as you continue your endless tumble...
Into the bottomless abyss of depression, misery and despair.
Why, then? Why would you ever allow yourself to love, or to have any hopes for a happy ending? Is the high really worth the inevitable pain? Is it still all about the journey rather than the end, if the end is unyielding bedrock; towards which you are hurtling at terminal velocity? What if the end is always on your mind; always within sight; like a maddening mirage that terrifies you, yet one which you know you will eventually reach because you know you have to pay dearly for the moments of happiness that you managed to steal from fate? What if the price of your arrogance is this torture; falling at maximum speed and yet somehow merely inching towards your doom while fully conscious and aware of what's happening? What if you are cursed to forever be in limbo, halfway between the worlds of the deceased and the living; not truly dead and yet too broken to live?
I can think of no worse destiny... and yet even now, I find my wings spread wide as I climb higher and higher into the heavens, buoyed by the very feelings I'd thought to banish.
But the winds are shifting, and I've just felt their first warning snap as I lurched downwards unexpectedly.
This will be the fall to end me.
They can be the wind under your wings; lifting you higher and higher above the clouds until you transcend all it is that makes you mortal... for in those precious moments, you are not only soaring high above the ground; but you're also miles above your insecurities and fears and dark reality. You are ungrounded; in every sense of the word- and while it lasts, you feel serene; invincible; unshakable; as majestic as an eagle on the hunt.
Then, fall Caesar.
In the blink of an eye; your biggest strengths become your downfall... for the higher you were, the more terrible the drop. There are no chances of survival. There is no struggle to stay afloat; or a desperate scuffle as your wings try to find an updraft to keep you airborne... for there is no wind; no air; no atmosphere to begin with. You start choking as you drop like a stone; down, down, down... and the clouds cast their shadows upon you as you descend; embracing you like a lover, where mere seconds ago, the world was sunny and bright.
And yet, death will not come; because the spiral never ends.
You writhe and twist and turn, and yet death’s sweet embrace still eludes you. Nothing you do can snatch you from this horrible reality in which you're trapped... there is no relief to be found; no distractions; no reassurances. Sleep becomes a distant memory; friends and family and loved ones can no longer reach you, for you are miles below sea-level by now; alone in the oppressive darkness; unable to comprehend emotions other than emptiness and a pain excruciating enough to make you long for death with every cell in your body as you continue your endless tumble...
Into the bottomless abyss of depression, misery and despair.
Why, then? Why would you ever allow yourself to love, or to have any hopes for a happy ending? Is the high really worth the inevitable pain? Is it still all about the journey rather than the end, if the end is unyielding bedrock; towards which you are hurtling at terminal velocity? What if the end is always on your mind; always within sight; like a maddening mirage that terrifies you, yet one which you know you will eventually reach because you know you have to pay dearly for the moments of happiness that you managed to steal from fate? What if the price of your arrogance is this torture; falling at maximum speed and yet somehow merely inching towards your doom while fully conscious and aware of what's happening? What if you are cursed to forever be in limbo, halfway between the worlds of the deceased and the living; not truly dead and yet too broken to live?
I can think of no worse destiny... and yet even now, I find my wings spread wide as I climb higher and higher into the heavens, buoyed by the very feelings I'd thought to banish.
But the winds are shifting, and I've just felt their first warning snap as I lurched downwards unexpectedly.
This will be the fall to end me.
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