Mr. Pookie bear looked sad.
"Why are you sad, Mr. Pookie bear?" Asked Mr. Tibbers the bunny in a childish, high pitched voice.
Mr. Pookie bear pouted and turned the other way.
Mr. Tibbers turned around to face Mr. Pookie bear again, a look of concern on his furry, little face.
"Are you sad because Mr. Sun is leaving? Silly Mr. Pookie bear, Mr. Sun will be back again tomorrow!"
"But I don't like Mr. Moon!" Replied Mr. Pookie bear, stomping his feet unhappily.
Mr. Tibbers considered it for a few seconds, then a great idea popped up in his head.
"I know what would cheer you up, Mr. Pookie bear! Would you like a huggie wuggie?" Asked Mr. Tibbers, spreading his fluffy little arms wide as if to embrace Mr. Pookie bear.
"I would love a hug, Mr. Tibbers! You are a great friend!" Said Mr. Pookie bear, his dislike for Mr. Moon completely forgotten. He hugged Mr. Tibbers under a beautiful rainbow as all the other little animals of Marshmallow land awwwwwww'ed.
"Would you like a hug too, Mr. Angry Man?" Asked Mr. Tibbers as he broke away from his hug with Mr. Pookie bear.
"No I don't want a hug, you little shit" Replied Mr. Angry Man angrily as he paced around looking for the exit, like he did every day.
"Don't you love us, Mr. Angry Man?" Asked Mr. Tibbers, his eyes shining with tears. "We love you, but you're always trying to leave us!"
Mr. Angry Man didn't respond, preferring to pay attention to the task at hand.
"You are too angry, Mr. Angry Man. You should be happy, like us!" Piped up Mr. Pookie bear.
"Yeah? Am I the one who was throwing a fucking tantrum 5 seconds ago because the sun is setting? Fuck off, you hypocrite" mumbled Mr. Angry Man, more to himself than to Mr. Pookie bear... but Mr. Pookie bear overheard him and fell back into a sullen silence as he remembered that Mr. Moon was coming.
"We tell you every day, Mr. Angry Man... there is no door to leave Marshmallow land! But why do you want to leave? You can have all the fun in the world here, with us!" Mr. Tibbers was crying, and Mr Pookie bear was pouting, and Mr. Angry Man felt very close to committing adorable mass murder.
That was when Mr. Yummywuzzles hopped his way into the conversation. He was a shapeless blue blob who liked to pretend he was a cloud and spoke almost exclusively in cloud-related puns.
"I can feel my friends getting upset! Why are you raining on their parade, Mr. Angry Man?"
Mr. Angry Man was on his knees, too busy looking under bushes and smiling flowers for a trapdoor; an exit sign; a welcome mat... any possible hints for how he could get out of Marshmallow land. He ignored Mr. Yummywuzzles's question.
Mr. Yummywuzzles floated over to Mr. Tibbers and Mr. Pookie bear, hugging each of them in turn as everyone in Marshmallow land except Mr. Angry Man awwwwww'ed again. Then he turned on Mr. Angry Man and said: "Mr. Angry Man, just because a cloud is covering Mr. Sun doesn't mean it will be dark forever! I should know, I'm a cloud!"
Mr. Angry Man stood up, wandered over to the gummy bear waterfall and looked down. It was a very high drop, and he wasn't sure whether the laws of physics in Marshmallow land were realistic or not... the last thing he wanted was to impale himself on a chocolate tree.
Mr. Yummywuzzles gave an aimless hop and said: "Just like clouds can change their shape, you can change and be happy too!"
Mr. Angry Man was getting really angry.
"Mr. Angry Man should know that it's rude to ignore someone... clouds have feelings too!" Said Mr. Yummywuzzles.
"YOU AREN'T A CLOUD, YOU STUPID LITTLE BLOB! YOU'RE BLUE! HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A BLUE CLOUD? CLOUDS ABSOLUTELY DON'T HAVE FEELINGS BECAUSE THEY'RE INANIMATE OBJECTS... NOW LEAVE ME ALONE BEFORE EVERYONE ELSE STARTS HAVING TO CALL ME "MR. CHAINSAW MURDERER MAN!"
Mr. Fizzlebum must have heard the commotion, because he suddenly appeared behind Mr. Yummywuzzles.
"Why are you so angry, Mr. Angry Man!" Asked Mr. Fizzlebum, who was a sentient banana. No one knew who had created and named the various creatures of Marshmallow land, but evidently they didn't give a single fuck.
Mr. Angry Man rounded on him, all sense of composure lost.
"BECAUSE YOU CREEPY LITTLE ASSHOLES ARE FREAKING ME OUT! I'VE BEEN HERE FOREVER AND NO ONE HAS EVEN TRIED TO HELP ME GET OUT OF HERE! YOU CALL ME MR. ANGRY MAN SO YOU CLEARLY KNOW THAT I THINK THIS STOPPED BEING FUNNY MONTHS AGO, BUT NO ONE WILL LIFT A HAND OR A PAW OR WHATEVER FUCKING BLOBS HAVE FOR HANDS TO HELP ME!
AND ANOTHER THING, WHY ARE YOU ALL DUDES? I DON'T GIVE A SHIT IF YOU'RE ALL GAY AND HAVE DAILY DEPRAVED BDSM ORGIES AS MR. MOON WATCHES ON AND MASTURBATES, BUT WHAT DID YOU DO WITH ALL THE FEMALES? DO YOU HAVE THEM CHAINED UP SOMEWHERE? DO YOU EAT THEM? ARE YOU ALL SEXLESS LITTLE STUFFED ANIMALS WHO JUST HAPPEN TO CALL EACH OTHER "MR"? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS PLACE AND WHAT ARE YOU! IS THIS AN ACT OR ARE YOU ALL GENUINE SATURDAY MORNING CHARACTERS FROM A BAD CHILDREN'S SHOW?"
Mr. Fizzlebum turned black as old bananas are wont to do, and he burst into tears... but Mr. Angry Man wasn't done.
"I HAVEN'T EATEN ANYTHING SINCE I GOT HERE BECAUSE EVERYTHING HERE HAS A SMILEY FACE, A HIGH-PITCHED SPEAKING VOICE AND A STUPID NICKNAME! DO YOU EVEN HAVE THE CONCEPT OF FOOD HERE, OR DO YOU SUSTAIN YOURSELVES THROUGH HUGS AND SUNSHINE? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HUNGRY I AM? I COULD EAT A HORSE RIGHT NOW!"
As if on cue, Mr. Angry Man heard the flap of wings... and out of nowhere, a bright white unicorn with rainbow-colored wings landed at his side as the animals of Marshmallow land chanted "Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, Mr. Booboo's here!"
Mr. Angry Man had to wonder if maybe he should have wished for a teleportation device instead.
Mr. Booboo trotted over to the crying animals of Marshmallow land and neighed. They all gathered round and stared at him intently. He snorted and whinnied and kicked his rear legs, and all the animals started nodding as they gradually smiled happily again. Before long, they were actively jumping in their places; too excited to stand still.
Mr. Angry Man waited impatiently, silently fuming as he wondered what that was about.
Mr. Tibbers then frolicked his way -yes, he frolicked- to Mr. Angry Man, and said: "The animals of Marshmallow land have decided to help you, Mr. Angry Man! We will help you find the only way out of Marshmallow land so you can be happy again!"
That was a new and entirely welcome development. They'd insisted for months that there was no way out of Marshmallow land... but apparently he just needed to make a big enough scene to force them into helping him.
He straightened up and puffed out his chest, satisfied that things were going his way.
Mr. Tibbers was staring at him expectantly... then he asked him the most unnecessary question in the history of the universe:
"Are you sure you want to leave Marshmallow land? You can never come back! We would be ever so sad to see you go!" Mr. Tibbers looked downcast as he said that. Mr. Angry Man wondered why these creatures loved him so much when he was just an angry man constantly yelling at them. He took a deep breath, then replied:
"Yes, I'm sure. Get me out of here"
Mr. Tibbers called out to the other animals: "You heard him, friends! Let's go to the Bubbetty Wubbetty Tree!"
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" Replied all the creatures of Marshmallow land.
Mr. Angry Man was confused.
"Why are we going to a tree?" He asked Mr. Tibbers as all the animals started lining up in single file behind him because of course they were going to dance their way to the Bubbetty Wubbetty Tree. Mr. Tibbers stood at his back, while Mr. Booboo cantered his way to the front of the procession, presenting him with an unwanted prime view of his massive, muscular horsey buttocks.
"Because the only way out of Marshmallow land is to climb the Bubbetty Wubbetty Tree, silly!" Replied Mr. Tibbers happily. "Follow Mr. Booboo, he'll take us all there!"
And so, the most saccharine conga line of all time made its way across Marshmallow land to the Bubbetty Wubbetty Tree. They walked for hours; passing open fields with grazing pink cows; lush green hills dotted with sheep; rivers of molten chocolate and a marshmallow bouncy castle. They marched to the beat of the Bubbetty Wubbetty song, which Mr. Pookie bear was singing somewhere to the back:
One, two, three... one, two, three
I Wuv you, Bubbetty Wubbetty Tree
You are the prettiest Tree in the world to me
There's no other sight I'd rather see...
Than the beautiful Bubbetty Wubbetty tree!
That was it. That was the whole song. He had to listen to that on repeat the entire time; sung by a choir of shrill, squeaky, out-of-tune voices accompanied by a cacophony of cheers from the various Marshmallow land creatures they were passing by. Words could not describe how paint-drinkingly mad the song was driving him, but it was a small price to pay for freedom...
He just had to make it to the tree, and then all would be good with the world again.
Mr. Booboo, who it was now clear was their leader, took the rope in his mouth and started to back away, slowly and painfully hoisting Mr. Angry Man into the air by the neck.
"Why are you sad, Mr. Pookie bear?" Asked Mr. Tibbers the bunny in a childish, high pitched voice.
Mr. Pookie bear pouted and turned the other way.
Mr. Tibbers turned around to face Mr. Pookie bear again, a look of concern on his furry, little face.
"Are you sad because Mr. Sun is leaving? Silly Mr. Pookie bear, Mr. Sun will be back again tomorrow!"
"But I don't like Mr. Moon!" Replied Mr. Pookie bear, stomping his feet unhappily.
Mr. Tibbers considered it for a few seconds, then a great idea popped up in his head.
"I know what would cheer you up, Mr. Pookie bear! Would you like a huggie wuggie?" Asked Mr. Tibbers, spreading his fluffy little arms wide as if to embrace Mr. Pookie bear.
"I would love a hug, Mr. Tibbers! You are a great friend!" Said Mr. Pookie bear, his dislike for Mr. Moon completely forgotten. He hugged Mr. Tibbers under a beautiful rainbow as all the other little animals of Marshmallow land awwwwwww'ed.
"Would you like a hug too, Mr. Angry Man?" Asked Mr. Tibbers as he broke away from his hug with Mr. Pookie bear.
"No I don't want a hug, you little shit" Replied Mr. Angry Man angrily as he paced around looking for the exit, like he did every day.
"Don't you love us, Mr. Angry Man?" Asked Mr. Tibbers, his eyes shining with tears. "We love you, but you're always trying to leave us!"
Mr. Angry Man didn't respond, preferring to pay attention to the task at hand.
"You are too angry, Mr. Angry Man. You should be happy, like us!" Piped up Mr. Pookie bear.
"Yeah? Am I the one who was throwing a fucking tantrum 5 seconds ago because the sun is setting? Fuck off, you hypocrite" mumbled Mr. Angry Man, more to himself than to Mr. Pookie bear... but Mr. Pookie bear overheard him and fell back into a sullen silence as he remembered that Mr. Moon was coming.
"We tell you every day, Mr. Angry Man... there is no door to leave Marshmallow land! But why do you want to leave? You can have all the fun in the world here, with us!" Mr. Tibbers was crying, and Mr Pookie bear was pouting, and Mr. Angry Man felt very close to committing adorable mass murder.
That was when Mr. Yummywuzzles hopped his way into the conversation. He was a shapeless blue blob who liked to pretend he was a cloud and spoke almost exclusively in cloud-related puns.
"I can feel my friends getting upset! Why are you raining on their parade, Mr. Angry Man?"
Mr. Angry Man was on his knees, too busy looking under bushes and smiling flowers for a trapdoor; an exit sign; a welcome mat... any possible hints for how he could get out of Marshmallow land. He ignored Mr. Yummywuzzles's question.
Mr. Yummywuzzles floated over to Mr. Tibbers and Mr. Pookie bear, hugging each of them in turn as everyone in Marshmallow land except Mr. Angry Man awwwwww'ed again. Then he turned on Mr. Angry Man and said: "Mr. Angry Man, just because a cloud is covering Mr. Sun doesn't mean it will be dark forever! I should know, I'm a cloud!"
Mr. Angry Man stood up, wandered over to the gummy bear waterfall and looked down. It was a very high drop, and he wasn't sure whether the laws of physics in Marshmallow land were realistic or not... the last thing he wanted was to impale himself on a chocolate tree.
Mr. Yummywuzzles gave an aimless hop and said: "Just like clouds can change their shape, you can change and be happy too!"
Mr. Angry Man was getting really angry.
"Mr. Angry Man should know that it's rude to ignore someone... clouds have feelings too!" Said Mr. Yummywuzzles.
"YOU AREN'T A CLOUD, YOU STUPID LITTLE BLOB! YOU'RE BLUE! HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A BLUE CLOUD? CLOUDS ABSOLUTELY DON'T HAVE FEELINGS BECAUSE THEY'RE INANIMATE OBJECTS... NOW LEAVE ME ALONE BEFORE EVERYONE ELSE STARTS HAVING TO CALL ME "MR. CHAINSAW MURDERER MAN!"
Mr. Fizzlebum must have heard the commotion, because he suddenly appeared behind Mr. Yummywuzzles.
"Why are you so angry, Mr. Angry Man!" Asked Mr. Fizzlebum, who was a sentient banana. No one knew who had created and named the various creatures of Marshmallow land, but evidently they didn't give a single fuck.
Mr. Angry Man rounded on him, all sense of composure lost.
"BECAUSE YOU CREEPY LITTLE ASSHOLES ARE FREAKING ME OUT! I'VE BEEN HERE FOREVER AND NO ONE HAS EVEN TRIED TO HELP ME GET OUT OF HERE! YOU CALL ME MR. ANGRY MAN SO YOU CLEARLY KNOW THAT I THINK THIS STOPPED BEING FUNNY MONTHS AGO, BUT NO ONE WILL LIFT A HAND OR A PAW OR WHATEVER FUCKING BLOBS HAVE FOR HANDS TO HELP ME!
AND ANOTHER THING, WHY ARE YOU ALL DUDES? I DON'T GIVE A SHIT IF YOU'RE ALL GAY AND HAVE DAILY DEPRAVED BDSM ORGIES AS MR. MOON WATCHES ON AND MASTURBATES, BUT WHAT DID YOU DO WITH ALL THE FEMALES? DO YOU HAVE THEM CHAINED UP SOMEWHERE? DO YOU EAT THEM? ARE YOU ALL SEXLESS LITTLE STUFFED ANIMALS WHO JUST HAPPEN TO CALL EACH OTHER "MR"? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS PLACE AND WHAT ARE YOU! IS THIS AN ACT OR ARE YOU ALL GENUINE SATURDAY MORNING CHARACTERS FROM A BAD CHILDREN'S SHOW?"
Mr. Fizzlebum turned black as old bananas are wont to do, and he burst into tears... but Mr. Angry Man wasn't done.
"I HAVEN'T EATEN ANYTHING SINCE I GOT HERE BECAUSE EVERYTHING HERE HAS A SMILEY FACE, A HIGH-PITCHED SPEAKING VOICE AND A STUPID NICKNAME! DO YOU EVEN HAVE THE CONCEPT OF FOOD HERE, OR DO YOU SUSTAIN YOURSELVES THROUGH HUGS AND SUNSHINE? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HUNGRY I AM? I COULD EAT A HORSE RIGHT NOW!"
As if on cue, Mr. Angry Man heard the flap of wings... and out of nowhere, a bright white unicorn with rainbow-colored wings landed at his side as the animals of Marshmallow land chanted "Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, Mr. Booboo's here!"
Mr. Angry Man had to wonder if maybe he should have wished for a teleportation device instead.
Mr. Booboo trotted over to the crying animals of Marshmallow land and neighed. They all gathered round and stared at him intently. He snorted and whinnied and kicked his rear legs, and all the animals started nodding as they gradually smiled happily again. Before long, they were actively jumping in their places; too excited to stand still.
Mr. Angry Man waited impatiently, silently fuming as he wondered what that was about.
Mr. Tibbers then frolicked his way -yes, he frolicked- to Mr. Angry Man, and said: "The animals of Marshmallow land have decided to help you, Mr. Angry Man! We will help you find the only way out of Marshmallow land so you can be happy again!"
That was a new and entirely welcome development. They'd insisted for months that there was no way out of Marshmallow land... but apparently he just needed to make a big enough scene to force them into helping him.
He straightened up and puffed out his chest, satisfied that things were going his way.
Mr. Tibbers was staring at him expectantly... then he asked him the most unnecessary question in the history of the universe:
"Are you sure you want to leave Marshmallow land? You can never come back! We would be ever so sad to see you go!" Mr. Tibbers looked downcast as he said that. Mr. Angry Man wondered why these creatures loved him so much when he was just an angry man constantly yelling at them. He took a deep breath, then replied:
"Yes, I'm sure. Get me out of here"
Mr. Tibbers called out to the other animals: "You heard him, friends! Let's go to the Bubbetty Wubbetty Tree!"
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" Replied all the creatures of Marshmallow land.
Mr. Angry Man was confused.
"Why are we going to a tree?" He asked Mr. Tibbers as all the animals started lining up in single file behind him because of course they were going to dance their way to the Bubbetty Wubbetty Tree. Mr. Tibbers stood at his back, while Mr. Booboo cantered his way to the front of the procession, presenting him with an unwanted prime view of his massive, muscular horsey buttocks.
"Because the only way out of Marshmallow land is to climb the Bubbetty Wubbetty Tree, silly!" Replied Mr. Tibbers happily. "Follow Mr. Booboo, he'll take us all there!"
And so, the most saccharine conga line of all time made its way across Marshmallow land to the Bubbetty Wubbetty Tree. They walked for hours; passing open fields with grazing pink cows; lush green hills dotted with sheep; rivers of molten chocolate and a marshmallow bouncy castle. They marched to the beat of the Bubbetty Wubbetty song, which Mr. Pookie bear was singing somewhere to the back:
One, two, three... one, two, three
I Wuv you, Bubbetty Wubbetty Tree
You are the prettiest Tree in the world to me
There's no other sight I'd rather see...
Than the beautiful Bubbetty Wubbetty tree!
That was it. That was the whole song. He had to listen to that on repeat the entire time; sung by a choir of shrill, squeaky, out-of-tune voices accompanied by a cacophony of cheers from the various Marshmallow land creatures they were passing by. Words could not describe how paint-drinkingly mad the song was driving him, but it was a small price to pay for freedom...
He just had to make it to the tree, and then all would be good with the world again.
"Patient presenting with a suspected cocaine-induced coma, prep the ER!"
Huh? Mr. Angry Man looked around him, but no one seemed to have heard that... then out of nowhere, he felt a stab of sharp pain in his head, more intense than anything he'd ever felt in his life. He could feel his heart racing, and it damn sure wasn't because of the Bubbetty Wubbetty song. What was happening?
Mr. Booboo finally stopped next to a massive tree and reared. They were there.
Mr. Yummywuzzles glided over to him and smiled. Then he yelled: "He's tachycardic, get me 6 mg of adenosine, STAT!"
OK, what the hell was going on?
He didn't have time to ponder, because that was when a vicious kick from Mr. Booboo threw him flat on his back as he desperately tried to catch his breath.
"He's going into respiratory failure, I'm going to need to intubate him"
All the animals of Marshmallow land were surrounding him now, still gleefully singing the Bubbetty Wubbetty song... Mr. Fizzlebum was tying his hands together, while Mr. Yummywuzzles and Mr. Pookie bear restrained him as Mr. Tibbers tied his legs together. He kicked and he struggled, but it was no use; they were much stronger than they'd appeared... and when he tried to scream for help, Mr. Fizzlebum stuffed a florescent green rag so deep in his mouth that he almost choked on it.
"We're losing him, I need a crash cart in here!"
They dragged him over to a particularly sturdy-looking branch of the Bubbetty Wubbetty Tree... and he understood what was happening.
There was no way to leave Marshmallow land... alive.
There was no way to leave Marshmallow land... alive.
"He's flat-lining, starting CPR! Hand me the defibrillator... One, two, three... CLEAR!"
A jolt of jarring pain coursed through his body, and he lay there spasming uncontrollably... he was effectively paralyzed.
Mr. Fizzlebum propped him up on his knees as Mr. Yummywuzzles fit the noose around his head and threw the other side of the rope over the branch. Mr. Angry Man kneeled meekly beneath the tree, having completely lost his ability and will to fight; if he had to die, he'd at least die with dignity... or as much dignity as you could have while being hanged from the Bubbetty Wubbetty tree in Marshmallow land by a unicorn named "Mr. Booboo".
Mr. Fizzlebum propped him up on his knees as Mr. Yummywuzzles fit the noose around his head and threw the other side of the rope over the branch. Mr. Angry Man kneeled meekly beneath the tree, having completely lost his ability and will to fight; if he had to die, he'd at least die with dignity... or as much dignity as you could have while being hanged from the Bubbetty Wubbetty tree in Marshmallow land by a unicorn named "Mr. Booboo".
Mr. Booboo, who it was now clear was their leader, took the rope in his mouth and started to back away, slowly and painfully hoisting Mr. Angry Man into the air by the neck.
"ONE, TWO, THREE... CLEAR!"
He flailed weakly in the air as his neck was subjected to intense, unbelievable strain. It seemed to hold for a few seconds... then it snapped under the weight of his body.
"ONE, TWO, THREE... CLEAR!"
His body hung there limply as the animals of Marshmallow land sang themselves into a frenzy... panicking, oxygen-deprived and quickly losing consciousness, his last memory was the sight of Mr. Fizzlebum making eye-contact with him and touching himself.
"He's gone... I'm calling it. Time of death: 9:53 PM"
Mr. Angry Man had finally left Marshmallow land.
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