Dear everyone,
I hesitated a lot before writing this; but over the past few years, I've seen countless young, healthy people taken from us too soon... and in all of these cases, there was one thing that stood out to me; the single most tragic common factor in all of these premature deaths was the lack of closure. Here you have a young adult who's just starting their life, when suddenly they suffer an accident or an undiagnosed disease that plucks them too soon from this Earth, before they've had a chance to experience some of life's fundamental experiences or even say their goodbyes.
As narcissistic as this may sound; every time I heard of such tragedies, my own mortality came to mind... and every case made me vow that I wouldn't let my loved ones suffer on my account without at least trying to soothe their pain, and that my life wouldn't end with such an unceremonious fizzle. I am a writer after all, and in my mind, a writer deserves a poetic end.
With that in mind, I decided to sit down and write this "letter from beyond the grave", if you would pardon the cliche title... in the hope that one day after I'm gone, someone would stumble upon these words and show them to my loved ones to give them some small measure of comfort.
But how could I make sure that these words would be published in a medium where there is a decent chance of someone seeing them? If I posted them as a new blog post, several of my blog's followers would read them too soon, and it might be mistaken for a plea for help or attention... or worse, it could be mistaken for a suicide note, which I assure you it is not.
After due consideration, I decided to go back to one of my earlier blog posts, published in 2015. You see, if I edited the blog post and re-published it, none of my followers would get notified; and none but the most avid -or bored- of my stalkers would ever go so far back on my blog that they would stumble upon a blog post this old by accident. If you count yourself among that lucky number -and I am still alive- please stop reading. This is not a post I'd care to show anyone until the time is right, and I wouldn't be posting it at all if I could think of a better way to do this.
I guess that sufficiently explains my motives... and now for the hard part (and if you were ever close to me, you'd know how difficult it is for me to not make a "that's what she said" joke right now).
I must start with my family; my father, my mother and my little sister.
You are the reason I am who I am. You are the reason I always kept going. You are the reason I kept fighting, no matter how hard it got. You are the reason I never took the easy way out, no matter how much I wanted to. You spared no expense; gave me all you had and more. You were always there for me, even -nay, especially- in the most miserable times of my life. There is not one single good thing in my life that you were not the cause of, whether directly or indirectly. I love you all, more than words can say, and I am proud to have been able to call you my family... in fact, "proud" is an understatement in so many ways that I can't even say it without rolling my eyes, but suffice to say that I wouldn't have had it any other way. If I could go back in time and choose my family, I would choose you every time. You were the best family I could ever have asked for, and my gratitude and love for you knows no bounds... my only regret is that I know I wasn't always a great person to be around, and I'm sorry to have put you through all these hard times. I took you for granted a few times too many, and my short temper, dismissive attitude and lack of communication might have made you think that I didn't value or love you... but I assure you that I did and always will, no matter where I go. I'm just sorry I couldn't show it to you... and I know posting the words online is not the best way to do this, but it's the best I can do now. Please forgive me, and know that your presence in my life was so often the only thing that kept me sane and grounded.
I love you and I'm proud of every one of you. Thank you for giving my life meaning.
(Please read "Purgatory", "Family" and "Home- وطني " to see how highly I regarded you).
To the love of my life, there are no words to describe how much I loved, still love and always will love you. I don't know where we're at in life right now, or if we're even still in each others' lives, but I know one thing: you are the best thing that's ever happened to me. Even in my darkest, most desperate hour, you were always there to support me and help me through the tough spots, and your genuine care for my happiness and well-being is something I've hardly ever seen in anyone other than my immediate family. There's so much to praise about you, but I've done that in several other blogposts and you've read them all already... so I won't redo it here. All you need to know is that I never stopped loving you, and that if I could change one thing in my past, it would be not being with you years -or even decades- earlier than I was. I truly wish that we're still together... and if we're not, I sincerely wish we've managed to somehow stay in each others' lives, because going into that void without having you as my last thought is simply too much to bear.
No matter where I am, I will always love you. Thank you for giving my life purpose.
To my close friends... you know who you are; I won't cheapen this by listing names. All I can say is thank you. You were there for me through thick and thin, every single one of you. Whenever I went through a hard time, you would always take the time to talk to me and try to get me through it. You were able to tolerate my unpredictable, terrible mood swings and dark thoughts, and words cannot describe how grateful I am to have had you in my life. You know better than anyone how dark it can get inside my head... and I want you to know that more often than you think, you were the only candle in the charcoal abyss that is my mind. To me, you held the same status as my own family... and these next words go to you, to them and to my one true love as well; I want you all to know that you mattered; you made a difference. If you should ever feel nostalgic, lonely, depressed or sad, I want you to remember these words; you had a significant impact on my life, and no matter where I am, I love you for it and appreciate everything you've ever done for me... and I hope this thought gives you some relief. I'd been friends with most of you for a decade or more at the time I wrote this post, and we'd been through so many ups and downs together... but I can't stress enough how grateful I am to have had you there during the downs. I hope I made a positive impact on your lives as well, and if I didn't, I sincerely hope you'll forgive me and remember me fondly... I never meant to harm or hurt you, and would have never done it willingly in a million years, if I could help it.
Thank you for staying by my side, especially when I made it so difficult to. Thank you for giving my life a sense of direction and perspective.
To my other friends, please know that I'm grateful for everything. I'm finding it very difficult to not repeat myself in this blog post; I have used the word "grateful" too many times, but gratitude really is the one feeling that came to me as I wrote this. You might think I forgot that one act of kindness; that one late night talk in a parked car; that one spontaneous trip or that one Facebook chat heart-to-heart; but I want you to know that I always remembered every single one of them and I enjoyed every minute of it and would do it all again if I could.
Thank you for giving my life flavor.
To my casual acquaintances and everyone else, it was an honor and a privilege to have had you in my life. There is not one thing I regret, and I enjoyed all the experiences we've been through together... the good, the bad and the ugly. For better or worse, you shaped me as a person, and I want you to know that I never forgot anything we'd been through, no matter how trivial it might seem to you... and if we're not on good terms or you think I hate you, know that all is forgiven. My blessing -and my curse- has always been my empathy, and that I almost definitely know why you did what you did, and so there's no need to feel guilty. I understand... no hard feelings, at all.
On that note, I feel I must mention that I always strive to make a positive impact on the lives of those I meet, especially people I care about... and I want to take a moment to sincerely apologize to you if you feel I've hurt you in some way, whether we were close or not. Please find it in your heart to forgive me, and try to remember the good times; a person's legacy is all they have after they pass on... and while we're on the topic, I hope I at least made some of you smile over the years, or that my writing has helped you in some small way. If it has, I encourage you to share it far and wide so that it may help others as well. I don't want this blog to turn into a shrine for me; please don't feel like sharing any of my content will disturb my rest... if anything, it will make me smile, wherever I am.
If you're still feeling sad, please know this; you're the ones who made my time here bearable... and that is saying a lot. My unhappiness was sometimes all too clear for everyone to see, but even when it wasn't; there was often more of it hidden behind my smile. Even though I tried to be sarcastic about it; I tried to bury my feelings; I tried to express them creatively and I tried to make others laugh on
social media and in person, I could never fully get over the inherent, inexplicable sadness that is -for some reason- such a core part of my being. Some people may have thought I had everything in life, but the one thing I rarely had was peace of mind. I battled with clinical depression, anxiety and self-hate for most of my life, and you'd only need to go through some of my blog posts to know how dark things could get inside my head. I say this not to gain your sympathy; but rather to assure you that wherever I'm going is bound to be a better place than the dark, smothering confines of my mind.
And that is not to say that it was always that dark... in fact, quite a lot of you have given me countless moments of pure, uncut joy- and that in itself is both a miracle and something that I will always cherish and love you for, wherever I may be. Thank you for all the happy moments... they were so often what that got me through the hard times that usually followed.
I think that just about covers it.
Again, thank you all for having been in my life. In fact, thank you all for having been my whole life.
Please keep me in your thoughts, and don't be sad... for I will now -finally- rest in peace.
I hope.
With all my love; now and forever,
Mahmoud Bondok
I hesitated a lot before writing this; but over the past few years, I've seen countless young, healthy people taken from us too soon... and in all of these cases, there was one thing that stood out to me; the single most tragic common factor in all of these premature deaths was the lack of closure. Here you have a young adult who's just starting their life, when suddenly they suffer an accident or an undiagnosed disease that plucks them too soon from this Earth, before they've had a chance to experience some of life's fundamental experiences or even say their goodbyes.
As narcissistic as this may sound; every time I heard of such tragedies, my own mortality came to mind... and every case made me vow that I wouldn't let my loved ones suffer on my account without at least trying to soothe their pain, and that my life wouldn't end with such an unceremonious fizzle. I am a writer after all, and in my mind, a writer deserves a poetic end.
With that in mind, I decided to sit down and write this "letter from beyond the grave", if you would pardon the cliche title... in the hope that one day after I'm gone, someone would stumble upon these words and show them to my loved ones to give them some small measure of comfort.
But how could I make sure that these words would be published in a medium where there is a decent chance of someone seeing them? If I posted them as a new blog post, several of my blog's followers would read them too soon, and it might be mistaken for a plea for help or attention... or worse, it could be mistaken for a suicide note, which I assure you it is not.
After due consideration, I decided to go back to one of my earlier blog posts, published in 2015. You see, if I edited the blog post and re-published it, none of my followers would get notified; and none but the most avid -or bored- of my stalkers would ever go so far back on my blog that they would stumble upon a blog post this old by accident. If you count yourself among that lucky number -and I am still alive- please stop reading. This is not a post I'd care to show anyone until the time is right, and I wouldn't be posting it at all if I could think of a better way to do this.
I guess that sufficiently explains my motives... and now for the hard part (and if you were ever close to me, you'd know how difficult it is for me to not make a "that's what she said" joke right now).
I must start with my family; my father, my mother and my little sister.
You are the reason I am who I am. You are the reason I always kept going. You are the reason I kept fighting, no matter how hard it got. You are the reason I never took the easy way out, no matter how much I wanted to. You spared no expense; gave me all you had and more. You were always there for me, even -nay, especially- in the most miserable times of my life. There is not one single good thing in my life that you were not the cause of, whether directly or indirectly. I love you all, more than words can say, and I am proud to have been able to call you my family... in fact, "proud" is an understatement in so many ways that I can't even say it without rolling my eyes, but suffice to say that I wouldn't have had it any other way. If I could go back in time and choose my family, I would choose you every time. You were the best family I could ever have asked for, and my gratitude and love for you knows no bounds... my only regret is that I know I wasn't always a great person to be around, and I'm sorry to have put you through all these hard times. I took you for granted a few times too many, and my short temper, dismissive attitude and lack of communication might have made you think that I didn't value or love you... but I assure you that I did and always will, no matter where I go. I'm just sorry I couldn't show it to you... and I know posting the words online is not the best way to do this, but it's the best I can do now. Please forgive me, and know that your presence in my life was so often the only thing that kept me sane and grounded.
I love you and I'm proud of every one of you. Thank you for giving my life meaning.
(Please read "Purgatory", "Family" and "Home- وطني " to see how highly I regarded you).
To the love of my life, there are no words to describe how much I loved, still love and always will love you. I don't know where we're at in life right now, or if we're even still in each others' lives, but I know one thing: you are the best thing that's ever happened to me. Even in my darkest, most desperate hour, you were always there to support me and help me through the tough spots, and your genuine care for my happiness and well-being is something I've hardly ever seen in anyone other than my immediate family. There's so much to praise about you, but I've done that in several other blogposts and you've read them all already... so I won't redo it here. All you need to know is that I never stopped loving you, and that if I could change one thing in my past, it would be not being with you years -or even decades- earlier than I was. I truly wish that we're still together... and if we're not, I sincerely wish we've managed to somehow stay in each others' lives, because going into that void without having you as my last thought is simply too much to bear.
No matter where I am, I will always love you. Thank you for giving my life purpose.
To my close friends... you know who you are; I won't cheapen this by listing names. All I can say is thank you. You were there for me through thick and thin, every single one of you. Whenever I went through a hard time, you would always take the time to talk to me and try to get me through it. You were able to tolerate my unpredictable, terrible mood swings and dark thoughts, and words cannot describe how grateful I am to have had you in my life. You know better than anyone how dark it can get inside my head... and I want you to know that more often than you think, you were the only candle in the charcoal abyss that is my mind. To me, you held the same status as my own family... and these next words go to you, to them and to my one true love as well; I want you all to know that you mattered; you made a difference. If you should ever feel nostalgic, lonely, depressed or sad, I want you to remember these words; you had a significant impact on my life, and no matter where I am, I love you for it and appreciate everything you've ever done for me... and I hope this thought gives you some relief. I'd been friends with most of you for a decade or more at the time I wrote this post, and we'd been through so many ups and downs together... but I can't stress enough how grateful I am to have had you there during the downs. I hope I made a positive impact on your lives as well, and if I didn't, I sincerely hope you'll forgive me and remember me fondly... I never meant to harm or hurt you, and would have never done it willingly in a million years, if I could help it.
Thank you for staying by my side, especially when I made it so difficult to. Thank you for giving my life a sense of direction and perspective.
To my other friends, please know that I'm grateful for everything. I'm finding it very difficult to not repeat myself in this blog post; I have used the word "grateful" too many times, but gratitude really is the one feeling that came to me as I wrote this. You might think I forgot that one act of kindness; that one late night talk in a parked car; that one spontaneous trip or that one Facebook chat heart-to-heart; but I want you to know that I always remembered every single one of them and I enjoyed every minute of it and would do it all again if I could.
Thank you for giving my life flavor.
To my casual acquaintances and everyone else, it was an honor and a privilege to have had you in my life. There is not one thing I regret, and I enjoyed all the experiences we've been through together... the good, the bad and the ugly. For better or worse, you shaped me as a person, and I want you to know that I never forgot anything we'd been through, no matter how trivial it might seem to you... and if we're not on good terms or you think I hate you, know that all is forgiven. My blessing -and my curse- has always been my empathy, and that I almost definitely know why you did what you did, and so there's no need to feel guilty. I understand... no hard feelings, at all.
On that note, I feel I must mention that I always strive to make a positive impact on the lives of those I meet, especially people I care about... and I want to take a moment to sincerely apologize to you if you feel I've hurt you in some way, whether we were close or not. Please find it in your heart to forgive me, and try to remember the good times; a person's legacy is all they have after they pass on... and while we're on the topic, I hope I at least made some of you smile over the years, or that my writing has helped you in some small way. If it has, I encourage you to share it far and wide so that it may help others as well. I don't want this blog to turn into a shrine for me; please don't feel like sharing any of my content will disturb my rest... if anything, it will make me smile, wherever I am.
If you're still feeling sad, please know this; you're the ones who made my time here bearable... and that is saying a lot. My unhappiness was sometimes all too clear for everyone to see, but even when it wasn't; there was often more of it hidden behind my smile. Even though I tried to be sarcastic about it; I tried to bury my feelings; I tried to express them creatively and I tried to make others laugh on
social media and in person, I could never fully get over the inherent, inexplicable sadness that is -for some reason- such a core part of my being. Some people may have thought I had everything in life, but the one thing I rarely had was peace of mind. I battled with clinical depression, anxiety and self-hate for most of my life, and you'd only need to go through some of my blog posts to know how dark things could get inside my head. I say this not to gain your sympathy; but rather to assure you that wherever I'm going is bound to be a better place than the dark, smothering confines of my mind.
And that is not to say that it was always that dark... in fact, quite a lot of you have given me countless moments of pure, uncut joy- and that in itself is both a miracle and something that I will always cherish and love you for, wherever I may be. Thank you for all the happy moments... they were so often what that got me through the hard times that usually followed.
I think that just about covers it.
Again, thank you all for having been in my life. In fact, thank you all for having been my whole life.
Please keep me in your thoughts, and don't be sad... for I will now -finally- rest in peace.
I hope.
With all my love; now and forever,
Mahmoud Bondok
No comments:
Post a Comment