Craig was late for class again. But it was OK.
"Craig, aren't you late for class or something?" Asked Kyle, who spotted his friend Craig walking with theatrically exaggerated slowness towards his class. Craig turned around at the sound of his name, and upon spotting Kyle, started walking towards him at the same comic pace.
-Oh, hey Kyle! Nah, it's cool, it's an assignment for SOAR 381...
= Sounds interesting! What course is that?
- "Shrugging Off Adult Responsibility 101". This is our Nothing Happens If You Are Late For Class assignment. The professor asked us to come late to prove to us that all that bullshit about being on time is completely irrelevant in real life.
=That's kinda weird, dude. What if you're late for a meeting at work or something?
- That's the next chapter in our curriculum. It's all about giving adult excuses like an adult, like "I blew a tire" or "I was feeling a bit under the weather" or "there was an intense traffic jam" or if you live in Egypt, "someone bombed my neighborhood". Then we're gonna discuss other important topics, like "turning off your phone to be conveniently unreachable" and "pretending not to have internet when you want to pretend like you didn't know about certain social events or work e-mails".
=Wow, that sounds like a blast! Is that an elective?
- No, I'm majoring in "Corporate Whoring", so it's one of the required courses I have to take.
= Is that a new major?
- Yeah, this is only its third year. The program takes you through various aspects of Corporate Whoring, such as:
* Formal Attire (FA 103, 286 and 302), which teaches you to dress-up like the corporate, blood-sucking fucking whore you hope to one day be;
*Ass-Slurping Successfully (ASS 209 and 304) which takes you through various methods of brown-nosing and ass-kissing;
*Number-Crunching (NC 102, 308, 412) which teaches you Excel (the only tool you're ever going to use in your career);
*Shrugging Off Adult Responsibility (SOAR 101, 213, 312 and 416) which is all about teaching you creative excuses to throw at anyone who inquires about your failures/behavior, and how to shift the blame to someone else if they press you too much.
We also take;
* A Bullshit course (BS 316) as an elective to refine our public speaking skills and our CV-dressing up skills;
* A Public Image course (PI 212) to help you cultivate an artificial successful, arrogant douchey exterior to the envy of your friends. It also covers interesting topics such as "choosing your friends according to their looks and success" and "creating misleading Facebook and Instagram profiles" and "pretending to have a social life";
* Filing 101 which is a very important first step on the corporate ladder;
* Corporate Nutrition (CR 213) which teaches you to survive on snack-foods and the either badly burnt or raw food that you tried to cook for yourself, while also providing you with the tools you'll need to deal with your future caffeine addiction as a corporate whore...
and let's not forget the important political science courses such as;
*Office Politics (OP 319 and 330), which can help you pretend to be cute and cuddly and friendly at the office when you're internally raging at the world that woke you up at 7 am and swearing red vengeance.
=That's an intense program... My major is all about calculating who pays what when you're splitting the bill with other people at a restaurant.
-Yeah, I'm minoring in Receipt Accounting. I figured I'd give myself some extra options, you know? I'm also minoring in "Salary Management and Rationing", to give myself that extra edge and so I don't completely run out of money by the second week of each month.
=I think I'm going to change my major to Corporate Whoring too, it seems to have a more promising future.
-Yeah, that'd be awesome! And then I can screw you over and have you reported for some made-up crime for my SOAR project!
-Are the courses hard, though? My GPA can't handle a plunge right now...
=Oh, it's completely cool! In Corporate Whoring, the lower you score, the higher your GPA! It's all about teaching you that if you can bullshit your way through life, it's all gonna work out for you, hard work be damned! So if you're a graduating senior on probation, it means that you're graduating with highest honors!
<a couple of stoned hippies pass by, and Craig's facial expression immediately changes>
-No matter what you do, do NOT mix with those Algebra hippies. They're wasting their time and money on a major which is all about asking questions nobody cares about and you'll never use algebra in real life and they're never gonna get a real job.
<COUGH> PHILOSOPHY <COUGH>.
Fucking hippies...
Fucking philosophy.
Fucking algebra.
"Craig, aren't you late for class or something?" Asked Kyle, who spotted his friend Craig walking with theatrically exaggerated slowness towards his class. Craig turned around at the sound of his name, and upon spotting Kyle, started walking towards him at the same comic pace.
-Oh, hey Kyle! Nah, it's cool, it's an assignment for SOAR 381...
= Sounds interesting! What course is that?
- "Shrugging Off Adult Responsibility 101". This is our Nothing Happens If You Are Late For Class assignment. The professor asked us to come late to prove to us that all that bullshit about being on time is completely irrelevant in real life.
=That's kinda weird, dude. What if you're late for a meeting at work or something?
- That's the next chapter in our curriculum. It's all about giving adult excuses like an adult, like "I blew a tire" or "I was feeling a bit under the weather" or "there was an intense traffic jam" or if you live in Egypt, "someone bombed my neighborhood". Then we're gonna discuss other important topics, like "turning off your phone to be conveniently unreachable" and "pretending not to have internet when you want to pretend like you didn't know about certain social events or work e-mails".
=Wow, that sounds like a blast! Is that an elective?
- No, I'm majoring in "Corporate Whoring", so it's one of the required courses I have to take.
= Is that a new major?
- Yeah, this is only its third year. The program takes you through various aspects of Corporate Whoring, such as:
* Formal Attire (FA 103, 286 and 302), which teaches you to dress-up like the corporate, blood-sucking fucking whore you hope to one day be;
*Ass-Slurping Successfully (ASS 209 and 304) which takes you through various methods of brown-nosing and ass-kissing;
*Number-Crunching (NC 102, 308, 412) which teaches you Excel (the only tool you're ever going to use in your career);
*Shrugging Off Adult Responsibility (SOAR 101, 213, 312 and 416) which is all about teaching you creative excuses to throw at anyone who inquires about your failures/behavior, and how to shift the blame to someone else if they press you too much.
We also take;
* A Bullshit course (BS 316) as an elective to refine our public speaking skills and our CV-dressing up skills;
* A Public Image course (PI 212) to help you cultivate an artificial successful, arrogant douchey exterior to the envy of your friends. It also covers interesting topics such as "choosing your friends according to their looks and success" and "creating misleading Facebook and Instagram profiles" and "pretending to have a social life";
* Filing 101 which is a very important first step on the corporate ladder;
* Corporate Nutrition (CR 213) which teaches you to survive on snack-foods and the either badly burnt or raw food that you tried to cook for yourself, while also providing you with the tools you'll need to deal with your future caffeine addiction as a corporate whore...
and let's not forget the important political science courses such as;
*Office Politics (OP 319 and 330), which can help you pretend to be cute and cuddly and friendly at the office when you're internally raging at the world that woke you up at 7 am and swearing red vengeance.
=That's an intense program... My major is all about calculating who pays what when you're splitting the bill with other people at a restaurant.
-Yeah, I'm minoring in Receipt Accounting. I figured I'd give myself some extra options, you know? I'm also minoring in "Salary Management and Rationing", to give myself that extra edge and so I don't completely run out of money by the second week of each month.
=I think I'm going to change my major to Corporate Whoring too, it seems to have a more promising future.
-Yeah, that'd be awesome! And then I can screw you over and have you reported for some made-up crime for my SOAR project!
-Are the courses hard, though? My GPA can't handle a plunge right now...
=Oh, it's completely cool! In Corporate Whoring, the lower you score, the higher your GPA! It's all about teaching you that if you can bullshit your way through life, it's all gonna work out for you, hard work be damned! So if you're a graduating senior on probation, it means that you're graduating with highest honors!
<a couple of stoned hippies pass by, and Craig's facial expression immediately changes>
-No matter what you do, do NOT mix with those Algebra hippies. They're wasting their time and money on a major which is all about asking questions nobody cares about and you'll never use algebra in real life and they're never gonna get a real job.
<COUGH> PHILOSOPHY <COUGH>.
Fucking hippies...
Fucking philosophy.
Fucking algebra.
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