Scamation Vacations

Disclaimer: Before I piss anyone off, I have nothing but respect for Somali people and I hope that one day soon Somalia will be prosperous and that Somali people will live in peace. This is just an elaborate joke and is not intended to offend.

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You’re on your way home from work. Traffic is unbelievable, your A/C broke down in the middle of August, and you’re slowly melting. Not only that, but your radio also broke down for the sake of this story, and you’re beginning your gradual descent into madness as you start to have a heated (no pun intended) debate with yourself about the failings of capitalism. Suddenly someone bumps into your rear bumper and finally gives you that final tip off the edge, and you fly off the handle and get out of your car to give them a piece of your mind when you realize that the car that bumped into you is full of construction-worker-type guys who are looking for an outlet to vent out their frustration (and your face is readily available), so you end up waving at them cheerfully and gloomily walking back to your car.

Does any of that ring a bell? Did you ever stop and wonder what it would be like to leave all this behind and go on a fantastic, literally once-in-a-lifetime trip?

Well, look no further, because Scamation Vacations is here to help!

What we offer for the nominal fee of $5000 per person is an exclusive two-week vacation in beautiful Somalia, where the fun never stops! Not only will you be staying at a 2-star hotel, in a room with a guaranteed view of the Indian ocean because the hotel hasn't installed "walls" yet, but you will also have occasional access to such luxuries as indoor plumbing, running water and up to 45 minutes of electricity per night. Not only that, but you will also experience the pleasure of foraging/murdering for your own food, which is guaranteed to satisfy a primal urge you didn’t even know you had. There are also several activities at the hotel, such as standing guard in shifts with an AK-47 to keep out marauders and thieves; prayer hour as you and your loved ones huddle up close and pray to God to live to see the morning; and voting which person to slaughter and eat in order not to starve.

But don’t let the hotel restrain you from the lovable chaos outside its electrified fence! If you venture out, you would be able to witness first-hand all the things that make Somalia great, such as the refreshing, sweltering heat; the famine; the drought; the heavily-armed terrorist groups; the heavily-armed resistance, the heavily-armed government forces and the heavily-armed pirates battling it out in a close-enough-to-taste-the-blood-as-it-spatters-on-your-face free for all. And if you’re lucky and able-bodied, you might even be recruited to crew one of the many pirate ships that patrol the Indian ocean, where you can live out the life of a 16^th century pirate in the age of GPS and guided missiles… What could possibly go wrong?! Also, If you're a woman (or an especially pretty man), don't worry, you might not get a job as a sailor on a pirate ship but sex trafficking is a thriving business in Somalia and being sold abroad as a prostitute is a very viable alternative! Just think of all the STD fun!

If you’re not the adventurous type, however, we highly recommend that you go to the capital and experience the Somali culture and traditions first-hand, such as decapitation, starvation, ethnic cleansing and the occasional genocide. If you should also feel inclined to pillage, rape and kill the locals, you are highly encouraged to do so: in fact, Somali people are greatly offended if you don’t at least attempt to pillage, rape and murder them. If you decide to pillage, we highly advise you to steal/sample the local cuisine, composed of such delicacies as grilled rats, human-corpse-souflet, and cactus soup as well as seawater sweetened with human blood. As for those of you planning their romantic honeymoon, you'll definitely enjoy the beautiful fireworks/drone strikes as you flee for your lives from the fiery rain of death. It’s everything you’ve ever dreamed of!

So go on www.totallynotrippingyouoff.com now and book your tickets, available for a limited time only! If you book them now, we’ll also throw in an apocalypse-survival kit and a multi-purpose assault rifle to add a special flavor to your hunting. Don’t miss this relaxing, once-in-a-lifetime experience (because it will likely be your last). Order now!