GIRL

2014 Bondok's note: these are not my views on women or homosexuality, and are not meant to be offensive. This post is basically an ignorant joke written by a politically incorrect 18 year-old; please don't read too much into it or get offended. I would remove it, but I see this blog as a timeline of my character development over the years, and this was who I was back then... so I'd rather keep it for the sake of authenticity.

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I've just come back from a few blissful days away from the clutches of the evil Mr. and Mrs. Bondok senior, and that's helped me put some things into perspective.

Since you're reading this post, you're probably human. I know it because it's either that or the only other viable explanation involving animals somehow developing the ability to read my blog, making me the first human alive to communicate with animals through random blogposts. While that would be totally awesome and probably make me very rich, I highly doubt it.

Now that we've proved that you're human, and wasted some sweet space in the blog post because I don't really have that much to say anyway, let's shed some light on some of the more peculiar human behaviors that we, as humans, don't get.

Being a guy, peculiar behavior can all be summed up in one four-lettered word that can keep us up at night or else give us weird nightmares. Sometimes at the same damn night. We, guys, have come to know that term as "G-I-R-L". There, I've said it. Yes, I'm very much aware of the fact that any GIRL reading this WILL seek revenge. For all practical purposes, I'll be hiding somewhere off the coast of China for the next few months.

Now, back to business. First of all, don't let them fool you, fellow guys. GIRL is an abbreviation that stands for everything mysterious about the world as we know it. Their shamans have labored in their secret laboratory dungeons in the deepest pits of the closest mall to your house as early as the 2nd century BC, concocting secret potions and evil spells that are only passed on from generation to generation by word of mouth and mouth only. Those who advertise those evil secrets are hence expelled from the GIRL organization and the GIRL shamans cast an evil spell that changes their anatomy but not their mental constitution or general behavior. We call them GAY. Yes, I know GIRLs have "let it slip" that GAY people are men who were born that way. Yeah, yeah, real clever. They're actually GIRL operatives who betrayed their kind.

Now that we've established the fact that GIRL is really an abbreviation, shouldn't we be trying to find out what it stands for?

WRONG.

Legend tells us that once upon a time, King Mandude Guybroson was crossing the vast desert with his noble escort. A vicious sandstorm, however, soon separated him from his companions. For three days and three nights, King Mandude Guybroson was lost, until he ran out of provisions. Before long, when he knew his end was near and his horse was too weary, he feasted upon its meat. That kept him going for another two days, after which there was still bleak hope of anyone finding him and he had already lost all of his power. As he'd settled down to die, he began to hallucinate. So intense were his hallucinations that he soon found out what the first two letters of GIRL meant. His body was found two days later. What does that tell us? That the GIRL shamans had cast a spell on him that he may never reveal the secrets to his court, or that he simply died because he spent five days in a sandstorm? Nobody knows the cause of death. A wise man once said: "If you ever understand how a GIRL thinks .... <blank>". Yes. He didn't finish the sentence because it's physically impossible. His brain shrunk and he spent his days thinking he was a light bulb. But enough horror stories. The morale is that some things are best left unknown, this among them. Mandude Guybroson's family labored tirelessly for generations to find out what the other two letters meant, that they might finally unravel the workings of a GIRL's mind, to no avail. Never let Mandude's sacrifice go to naught, fellow guys. Never let it be forgotten.

A man is very easily understood. He eats. He sleeps. He watches sports. And he does all these things when he actually wants to, without any underlying diabolical reasons. He says what comes to his mind and does not think the phrase "you look fat in those jeans" challenges him into any form of cat fight. All of this, the GIRL order has defied.

GIRLs tend to eat "low fat" candy to stay fit, but somehow manage to overlook the tons of ice cream they consume at home while watching Grey's Anatomy. They tend to carry evil concoctions of GIRL wizardry on their shoulders, namely "purses", in which they carry devices unknown to man, possibly weapons, torture devices and GIRL handbooks written by the supreme high GIRL to govern a GIRL's lifestyle and ethical behavior. They tend to spend hours at a time at their personal house of worship, the pretend "GIRL's bathroom". They would have us believe that they're bathrooms, but the real reasons for such establishments are taking pictures with fellow GIRLs in the bathroom mirror, a timeless bonding technique between GIRLs, or else offering sacrificial Burberry merchandise to appease the wrath of the GIRL Goddess  Shoppingar. They insist on changing their exterior skins on all possible occasions, spending most of their lives in "malls" shopping for new skins. Their most valued skill, most feared to man and beast alike, however, is their dialect.

You see, GIRLs have mastered the technique of saying one thing and meaning the complete opposite. No, that's not it. OK, GIRLs have mastered the art of saying one thing and meaning something else in their head that no one else has any idea what it might be. No, that's not it either. Hmmm.... OK. They've mastered the art of saying one thing and meaning whatever answer it is that you were not expecting. Yeah, that's it. With GIRLs, expect the unexpected. Unless the unexpected is expected, then you expect the expected. But if you expect the unexpected it becomes expected, and if you expect the expected it becomes expected. So then you must go back to expecting the unexpected.

 There. That's how a GIRL thinks. See how much it hurts? GIRL test: Does the previous sentence completely make sense to you? Does your head not hurt? Congratulations, you ARE a GIRL.

In a GIRL's initiation ceremony, in their ancestral headquarters where no man dare enter (the lingerie shop), a GIRL is presented with a guy doll. Whichever cadette stares at her mummy for prolonged periods and manages to dislocate some of its facial features with sheer will-power is granted the rank of GIRL initiate. They then go through a strict regiment of shopping, diet and gossip for ten days and ten nights until they are deemed ready for the second test. For the second test, a poor guy captured from the numerous mall raids organized by the GIRL foundation is tied to a chair. Each GIRL is to then try and fix an image in her head. Then she is to try and communicate it to the the guy. That much is easy, everyone passes that stage. The initiates are then ushered into a room where they determine the strongest through cat-fights and pillow-fights  Whoever survives the carnage is then required to spend a week speaking all the words backwards

(example >>> elpmaxe), all the better to confuse the guy. If the guy is able to understand a single word, the girl undergoes another week of verbal training until she gets it right. When the feat is done, then and only then, is a GIRL presented with her very own GIRL handbook and allowed to pass on the order's teachings to her GIRL offspring.

By no means is that the end of their tiresome journey. Oh, no. GIRLs then spend months and months practicing such evil methods of vile trickery as:

1- Crying on cue.

2- "Puppy-face"ing.

3- Playing hard to get.    (Among their worst)

4- Pretending to be inferior to guys when it comes to physical prowess.

5- Blushing. EVIIIIL.

6- Giggling.

7- Their mysterious equivalent to flirting.

Much like the martial arts system, GIRLs receive symbolic representations of rank. With GIRLs, however, they receive shoes. The more shoes a GIRL has, the higher the rank. GIRLs have been known to judge a person's character by their shoes for that particular reason.

All of that is what advanced guy studies on captured GIRL operatives have told us. We have pitiful knowledge of their sacred rituals, however, and their ceremonies. We have barely grazed the surface, I fear. We are lucky to know even this much, given that all of this knowledge was extracted from half-crazed guys rescued from "malls". The inhumanity.

To all guys out there, under NO circumstances should you let GIRL operatives capture you. They mean to use you to perform their studies on guy-kind (for some reason they find us equally intriguing) and they will use you to refine their techniques and train the new initiates. You have been warned. Should you get ANY closer to finding out what the remaining letters of GIRL mean, immediately proceed to the closest football pitch where guy scientists may try and extract it from your addled brains in a desperate attempt to save your sanity. Under NO circumstances are you to try to unravel them on your own.

I would like to dedicate this blog post to King Mandude and to all guys, single or captured. There IS still hope. Be on your watch. Stay single, and deliver what knowledge you know to fellow guys. We need all the advice we can get.

May God have mercy on our souls.

GIRLs.. I have risked my well-being to give this knowledge to fellow guys. I have done my duty. You would have done the same.

Be merciful.

<if you were in any way offended, kindly get over it>