Our twenties are a scary time.
After two decades of comfort zones and safety bubbles and an almost complete lack of responsibility; we suddenly find ourselves thrust into real life without so much as a tutorial. Rudely awakened from a beautiful dream where any mistakes we make can easily be undone later, there is no shift in tone more jarring than the abrupt and awkward transition into adulthood.
Your career is no longer necessarily synonymous with your passions and dreams; but rather with your livelihood- it is now a means of survival rather than an option. Your circle of friends gets smaller and smaller as your previously fun and carefree companions are forged into the cogs they need to be to take their places in the relentless machine we call life. Your parents -the tireless, dependable safety nets that have always been there to bail you out and offer life advice and invaluable support- are either getting older and/or sicker, becoming an unwilling source of extra stress in your life as you fret over their health and livelihoods... or they may have moved on entirely.
You are still young enough that you haven't yet let go of your dreams... but you're also old enough to know that you may never realize them. The childish dreamer in you gives more ground every day to the pragmatic realist, and you are uncomfortably aware of the ticking clock that will one day signal the death of the last vestiges of your desire to make your dreams come true; settling instead for a well-paying job you might hate, for the sake of paying the bills and living comfortably... the very life you had once judged your parents for leading.
And yet, there is one aspect of life in your twenties that makes all the rest feel strangely less impactful...
A perfect romantic relationship can be your ultimate anchor to reality, while also -paradoxically- being the wings that lift you high above the clouds... out of the dark, oppressive gloom of your very existence and into the glorious sunlight.
Yes, this is the one thing that can make it all worth it... having that one person there with you, through thick and thin- leaning on each other whenever one of you feels too weak to keep going. When life gives you a particularly hard battering, your partner would be there to shore up the cracks in your defenses and prop you up to stand proud; snarling your defiance and announcing your invulnerability to an uncaring world... and when it's their turn; you rush to give them a solid wall on which to lean against and catch their breath. In essence, you become each other's last line of defense, and the ultimate comfort zone in which to collapse and regroup for a fresh fight tomorrow. In that sense, it can be your most potent weapon in this war for survival in which we are all unwilling participants.
Some of us were lucky in that regard; having already found that life partner relatively early in our twenties... and using them as a stable foundation, proceeded to build a metaphorical empire. With that one person at its core; it could hardly ever fail.
And yet...
There are a lot of us who weren't.
There are those of us who -for whatever reasons- have had to make it on our own. We have had to be our own back-up; our own safety nets; our own cavalry. When we're down, we either pick ourselves back up again, or we stay down. When something bad happens to us; we suck it up and deal with it, alone... and when it's something good; we also blow out the candles, alone. In effect, what happens is that we become a lot stronger than we'd ever thought possible... but in losing that vulnerability, we also lose the very element that makes us human.
Moreover, our solitude teaches us very quickly who we really are and what we want in life.
The uncertainties of your twenties grow a lot less uncertain when you spend the energy that normally goes into relationships on constantly obsessing about your own development and self-improvement for every waking minute... and once you've figured out who you are and who you want to be, there is no going back. There is no changing you. Your personality and ideologies are cast in steel.
And that brings me to my main point.
There are many merits to the life of the lone wolf- the freedom and peace of mind are unparalleled, to say nothing of the sillier financial aspects... but the dark truth most of us choose to ignore is that we have no need of a partner anymore. The opportunity to grow with someone -influencing them and getting influenced by them in turn, until you grow into an impenetrable, interwoven lattice of harmony- is forever lost.
Having to fight tooth and nail alone for your place in the world makes you strong, independent and adaptable... but once you've had to face the hard part alone, then what need do you have for a life partner? What value would they add when they arrive in your already established kingdom, to which they are completely foreign? Why would you give in to this visitor from strange lands with their different customs and traditions? In all likelihood, you would see them more as invaders to be fought and resisted than settlers -or even guests- to be embraced and welcomed.
In a nutshell, once you've realized that you're perfectly functional and content on your own, without needing anyone else... you've effectively shut down the part of you that yearns for love and companionship. It is not necessarily a sad existence... but it is a lonely one. Once you're used to being alone, shifting your mentality and compromising to accommodate a partner who's different becomes nigh on impossible... after all, you've worked very hard for years to discover who you are, and you are not about to let someone reset everything you've done... no matter how much you may love them.
And thus is born the romantic nomad... jumping from relationship to relationship, neither able to fit comfortably into anyone else's mould, nor fit anyone into theirs (sexual euphemisms not intended). You sometimes absently wonder if you're the problem, but then you realize that of course you are... because you are who you are, and your unwillingness to change will always severely limit your options. Your strong personality and independence are very attractive- irresistible, even- but your rigidity and idealistic, unyielding nature are very difficult to put up with, and they will always chase away the bulk of your partners.
This is for any fellow lone wolves reading this- or "romantic nomads", to coin a phrase: we didn't exactly choose this life, but we might as well embrace the strength that comes with it... and know that the time may yet come for us to find a fellow romantic nomad who would understand why we are the way that we are; and with whom magic would ensue. All is not yet lost.
You are never truly alone; we're all in this together.
But even if you can't help feeling alone, fear not; for there is a better world beyond this vale of tears. Meet me there; in a green, sunlit valley... where we may rediscover ourselves together, and be human again.
After two decades of comfort zones and safety bubbles and an almost complete lack of responsibility; we suddenly find ourselves thrust into real life without so much as a tutorial. Rudely awakened from a beautiful dream where any mistakes we make can easily be undone later, there is no shift in tone more jarring than the abrupt and awkward transition into adulthood.
Your career is no longer necessarily synonymous with your passions and dreams; but rather with your livelihood- it is now a means of survival rather than an option. Your circle of friends gets smaller and smaller as your previously fun and carefree companions are forged into the cogs they need to be to take their places in the relentless machine we call life. Your parents -the tireless, dependable safety nets that have always been there to bail you out and offer life advice and invaluable support- are either getting older and/or sicker, becoming an unwilling source of extra stress in your life as you fret over their health and livelihoods... or they may have moved on entirely.
You are still young enough that you haven't yet let go of your dreams... but you're also old enough to know that you may never realize them. The childish dreamer in you gives more ground every day to the pragmatic realist, and you are uncomfortably aware of the ticking clock that will one day signal the death of the last vestiges of your desire to make your dreams come true; settling instead for a well-paying job you might hate, for the sake of paying the bills and living comfortably... the very life you had once judged your parents for leading.
And yet, there is one aspect of life in your twenties that makes all the rest feel strangely less impactful...
A perfect romantic relationship can be your ultimate anchor to reality, while also -paradoxically- being the wings that lift you high above the clouds... out of the dark, oppressive gloom of your very existence and into the glorious sunlight.
Yes, this is the one thing that can make it all worth it... having that one person there with you, through thick and thin- leaning on each other whenever one of you feels too weak to keep going. When life gives you a particularly hard battering, your partner would be there to shore up the cracks in your defenses and prop you up to stand proud; snarling your defiance and announcing your invulnerability to an uncaring world... and when it's their turn; you rush to give them a solid wall on which to lean against and catch their breath. In essence, you become each other's last line of defense, and the ultimate comfort zone in which to collapse and regroup for a fresh fight tomorrow. In that sense, it can be your most potent weapon in this war for survival in which we are all unwilling participants.
Some of us were lucky in that regard; having already found that life partner relatively early in our twenties... and using them as a stable foundation, proceeded to build a metaphorical empire. With that one person at its core; it could hardly ever fail.
And yet...
There are a lot of us who weren't.
There are those of us who -for whatever reasons- have had to make it on our own. We have had to be our own back-up; our own safety nets; our own cavalry. When we're down, we either pick ourselves back up again, or we stay down. When something bad happens to us; we suck it up and deal with it, alone... and when it's something good; we also blow out the candles, alone. In effect, what happens is that we become a lot stronger than we'd ever thought possible... but in losing that vulnerability, we also lose the very element that makes us human.
Moreover, our solitude teaches us very quickly who we really are and what we want in life.
The uncertainties of your twenties grow a lot less uncertain when you spend the energy that normally goes into relationships on constantly obsessing about your own development and self-improvement for every waking minute... and once you've figured out who you are and who you want to be, there is no going back. There is no changing you. Your personality and ideologies are cast in steel.
And that brings me to my main point.
There are many merits to the life of the lone wolf- the freedom and peace of mind are unparalleled, to say nothing of the sillier financial aspects... but the dark truth most of us choose to ignore is that we have no need of a partner anymore. The opportunity to grow with someone -influencing them and getting influenced by them in turn, until you grow into an impenetrable, interwoven lattice of harmony- is forever lost.
Having to fight tooth and nail alone for your place in the world makes you strong, independent and adaptable... but once you've had to face the hard part alone, then what need do you have for a life partner? What value would they add when they arrive in your already established kingdom, to which they are completely foreign? Why would you give in to this visitor from strange lands with their different customs and traditions? In all likelihood, you would see them more as invaders to be fought and resisted than settlers -or even guests- to be embraced and welcomed.
In a nutshell, once you've realized that you're perfectly functional and content on your own, without needing anyone else... you've effectively shut down the part of you that yearns for love and companionship. It is not necessarily a sad existence... but it is a lonely one. Once you're used to being alone, shifting your mentality and compromising to accommodate a partner who's different becomes nigh on impossible... after all, you've worked very hard for years to discover who you are, and you are not about to let someone reset everything you've done... no matter how much you may love them.
And thus is born the romantic nomad... jumping from relationship to relationship, neither able to fit comfortably into anyone else's mould, nor fit anyone into theirs (sexual euphemisms not intended). You sometimes absently wonder if you're the problem, but then you realize that of course you are... because you are who you are, and your unwillingness to change will always severely limit your options. Your strong personality and independence are very attractive- irresistible, even- but your rigidity and idealistic, unyielding nature are very difficult to put up with, and they will always chase away the bulk of your partners.
This is for any fellow lone wolves reading this- or "romantic nomads", to coin a phrase: we didn't exactly choose this life, but we might as well embrace the strength that comes with it... and know that the time may yet come for us to find a fellow romantic nomad who would understand why we are the way that we are; and with whom magic would ensue. All is not yet lost.
You are never truly alone; we're all in this together.
But even if you can't help feeling alone, fear not; for there is a better world beyond this vale of tears. Meet me there; in a green, sunlit valley... where we may rediscover ourselves together, and be human again.
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