Rock-solid

Disclaimer from May 2018: In truth, this was written about one month after the break-up in question, so I was still very much in the frankly unreasonable "anger" phase of the five stages of grief. After posting it back then, I rightly thought the blog post was too bitter to be published publicly, so I deleted it... and now I'm posting it again for the sake of completeness, but I'd much rather no one reads it, to be perfectly honest.

I'm declassifying it as a final symbolic gesture, if you will.

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I don't think you'll ever end up reading this, but true to myself and my need to write my inner thoughts where I can later access and re-live them, I'm choosing to write this post anyways. It isn't a bitter post I'm writing with manly tears streaming down my ruggedly handsome, bearded face- I'm over it, and I've been over it for a while... but I won't rest until I've expressed these feelings in some form... and to be honest, I don't think I want you or anybody else to read this at all, which is why I'm not going to share this post on Facebook. I just needed to get this off my chest so that hopefully in the future if I ever feel lost or nostalgic, I'll read this and realize why things never really worked out between us.

You never loved me.

Sure, you were attracted to me. I was a shiny trophy for you to start your collection with... but let's call things what they are; it wasn't love. Call it lust, call it chemistry, call it a double cheeseburger with extra jalapenos for all I care, but don't insult love by pretending otherwise. All those memes you sent me, claiming that "you're the one" and "I want you as you are with all your flaws" etc etc... yeah, these were lies you wanted to believe. You just wanted to live a fairytale love story, and I was the idiot with a God-complex and illusions of grandeur who wanted to make your wish come true.

You stayed with me during the oxytocin-fueled first months, when you actually felt that high and got "butterflies" in your stomach every time you saw me, as you liked to call them. You stayed with me as long as you could show me off to your friends as an older, charismatic successful guy with a job who pampers and spoils you. You stayed with me while it was all googly eyes and late-night chats. 

You stayed with me while it was convenient. You stayed with me while it was easy.

But when the shine was off the apple and you had to face the ugly reality... the reality that I was actually just a man -a simple kind of man, as it were- full of flaws and doubts and fears and expectations; you couldn't handle it. You preferred to throw away what we had rather than compromise, and that to me shows that you were not ready for me or for any kind of serious relationship... because guess what? Real relationships need work. If everybody broke up with their significant other over their first fight, the entire world's population would be single. I was prepared to radically alter my career path for your sake, but you couldn't imagine making a commitment as small as a promise. Yes, towards the end I was going through depression and possibly not dealing with it in the best way; and yes I was the first to express my doubts, but I still wanted to try until the last breath, and that's the difference between us. You quit. I didn't.

And that's why I'm quite positive that you didn't love me. I believe you thought you did, or that maybe you wanted to... but you didn't; because when you love someone, you can't imagine your life without them, and it takes a hell of a lot longer than two weeks or a fight for you to fall out of love and move on.

That's everything I wanted to say. Future me, please learn to be more skeptical when a girl claims that she's in love with you... at least until she proves it with her actions.

I believe we had something good. I won't insult all our happy memories by pretending we didn't... because we had some good times, and I actually did love you... and I'm not writing this to hurt you or to make you angry; this isn't some kind of petty revenge post... it's just me realizing some cold, hard truths I'd been selectively blind to. I genuinely hope you find someone whose flaws you're actually able to tolerate, but in the meantime if by some chance you should feel confused and decide to stalk my blog and happen to read this post, I want you to ask yourself, and I mean really ask yourself if 

you were ever actually in love with me... because I think our brief relationship needs real closure, not lies and cliches. 

At any rate, this is all academic. Like I said, you probably won't ever read this post, and even if you do, it's over and nothing is going to change that. I've made my peace with it, because this was completely your choice, not mine... I was perfectly clear about wanting to give it another shot, but you closed the door on that, for better or worse. 

This is the last blog post I will ever write about you; I've officially written you out of my life. Good luck; I wish you a long and happy existence with someone else.

And as always, I remain unshakable; you might even say... "rock-solid".