The Worst Thing That Could Ever Happen To Anyone Ever

Don't blame me; blame writer's block. This ugly condition must be stopped. Organize fund raisers; talk about it on TV; run in marathons to raise awareness; shout it from the mountain tops; do whatever you have to do... let's end this thing once and for all.

*******************

Think of the worst thing that could ever happen to anyone ever.

I'm not joking... I mean it; seriously, honestly, actually take a minute and think of the worst situation it is humanly possible to find yourself in. I'm not just saying this; I really do want you to actively put some effort into this exercise. Trust me; the pay-off is great... Just bear with me.

Done? Good. Now what I want you to do is to double that. Can you do that for me? Take another minute, I'll wait. Again, don't ruin this for yourself by simply reading the next paragraph... please take a minute and think about it before you proceed.

Good job. It must be working, because I can already smell the rank, cloying stench of your dark imagination. That's a good sign.

Now this next step is tricky, so please pay attention; I want you to take your metaphorical depraved, psycho brain-child and bathe it in blood, garbage juice, human excrement, horse semen and the contents of that one jar that's been at the back of your fridge for months and you're too scared to go near it so you just poke it with a broom handle every week or so to make sure it hasn't developed intelligent life yet...

Perfect.

By now, your metaphorical mental cauldron should be producing sulfur fumes and boiling of its own accord without being subjected to any heat whatsoever. Don't pop the viscous bubbles that are forming on the surface; they're flammable and highly toxic. Just add anything disgusting you can think of that I might have missed and slowly stir it for 10 minutes with that broom handle. Again, be careful not to pop the bubbles.

If your broom handle hasn't dissolved in the grey slag, then your mixture isn't strong enough. You'd have to add however much sweat you can squeeze out of an obese middle aged man's gym armpit towel, and however much children's tears to turn the mixture into a sickly shade of greenish yellow. If you can't procure one of those items, I'm afraid you'll have to dispose of your concoction somehow; perhaps in some kind of abandoned underground nuclear bunker or an active volcano or that area of your brain you've reserved for bad break-ups you never want to think about again.

Now the last step is to let it stew for 24 days and 24 nights... But don't think your work is over; this next part is arguably the most important. What you need to do for the next 24 nights is to focus all your negative energy on your cauldron. All your doubts, fears, worries, dark thoughts, negativity, pessimism, choice swear words and dead baby jokes. Anything terrible you can do or think of. Don't be afraid to improvise! Old gym socks? Toenails? Menstrual blood? Throw it all in there... The more personalized and unique it is, the better pay-off for you.

By the end of the 24th night, for those of you who were able to follow my simple instructions, congratulations! You will have successfully recreated one tenth of what he was feeling as he stood there in what was literally the worst situation it is humanly possible to find yourself in.

Can you imagine what a dark, messy situation that must be? I'm dead-serious, imagine it. This is the last time I'll ask you to do that, I promise; take a minute and really think about it. Think of the magnitude of what I must be getting at... and be sure to factor in how dark I naturally am. Think what must be so dark that even I would have to build it up so much to mentally prepare you.

It took you 24 nights to create the terrible concoction above, and you would need to cook up 9 other batches to match this particular situation. That's 216 days of constant brewing, assuming you don't mess up any of the batches. Can you imagine the level of commitment needed here? Do you have what it takes?

I think it's fair to say that things were definitely not looking peachy for him.

Now, I can hear you thinking "Oh my God, get to the point!", but did you really think it through? Are you sure you're ready? Do you really think you've climbed up to the top-most rung of the longest ladder you own; stood on your tiptoes and reached up as high as you can to touch the absolute height of your mental depravity?

You have? Awesome. 

Nothing I can write will ever beat your own imagination.

You have just created your own worst thing that could ever happen to anyone ever.

Enjoy.