I Miss You

Where do I start? 

We live in a world that idolizes happy endings, but gives absolutely no thought for the sad ones.

We live in a world that idolizes happy endings, but focuses on the fake smiles and posed pictures and pays no attention to the pain and strife that happen backstage.

We live in a world that idolizes happy endings, but a society which throws so many obstacles in your way that you might as well just give up.

Well, I'm here to speak for the stories that didn't end so well... for all the times you thought it might actually work, but found yourself bitterly remembering these thoughts months or years later and cursing yourself for letting your guard down and letting someone in.

Sometimes there are clear-cut happy endings and sad endings; happy endings where boy meets girl, they fall in love and they live happily ever after -with some complications which are easy to overcome because both parties want to make it work- and these are the endings that get all the hype and the cheesy romcoms; and then there are explosively bad endings, where both sides hate and wish serious harm upon each other... and these cases are tragic, yes, but it's easy for both parties to sit in their ivory towers and victimize themselves. At least in each of their minds, there is a clear good guy and bad guy... and this knowledge sets them free; when you believe that the other person has made all the mistakes, then it's easy to cast them as the villain and condemn them to the darkest, dankest dungeons of your brain.

But what happens when a couple realizes that they are simply incompatible? When they are madly in love but come to realize that they would have to change so much for each other that they wouldn't recognize themselves anymore?

That is the saddest ending of them all.

You can't be mad at each other because you understand where you're both coming from; you can only wish each other good things because while you know that there were bad times, you also fondly remember the good times with a smile and a warm glow in your heart; and while seeing them with someone else would probably affect you, a part of you would be glad that they've managed to find happiness. You can never bring yourself to bad-mouth each other, and would get offended if someone did in front of you... because even though you're no longer together, a part of you -no matter how small- still loves them and always will... and when you're hurting, you can't help sympathizing with them because you realize that they're probably hurting too.

In this case, there is never any real closure. The best you can do is get on with your life and try to push them out of your mind... and when you do remember them, you try to think of all the times they made you laugh or smile or feel special; because that is the only way to honor your dead relationship and all that came with it.

We've both said and done some hurtful things to each other, but we parted on good terms, and I'd be lying if I claimed I wasn't struggling... So, you know what? Even though I'm as over you as I'll ever be, I am not afraid to admit this to myself, or to you;

Sometimes I sit on my front porch at night and stare at the moon, wondering if you're staring at it too and thinking about me.

Sometimes I see ghosts of you in all the places we've been, and it makes me nostalgic and melancholic.

Sometimes one of our songs would play on shuffle and I'd be overwhelmed with emotion for a few seconds.

Sometimes I dream of you and then I can't get you out of my mind all day and all I can do is hope that I'll wake up tomorrow feeling better.

Sometimes I hope I'll see you again, but it scares me that I have no idea how either one of us would react and whether or not you'll be with someone.

Sometimes I wonder if you stalk my social media or my blog, or if you've stopped caring.

I still have all of your pictures, gifts and cute love notes... out of sight, but safe.

And sometimes I still want you so badly that it makes me physically hurt.

But most of all, even though I realize that we're over and that we're not getting back together, sometimes I simply miss you... like I miss my bed after a long day at work, or like I miss home after a few weeks abroad. I miss how you were my comfort zone; my emotional support and my number one fan, and I miss your mischievous smile, your lame jokes, your funny laugh, the way your cheeks would balloon outwards when you're drinking water, your disgusting views on mixing condiments, your disastrous taste in music and all the other little things that made you you... which I still remember, clear as day.

I haven't shared this post on Facebook, so you probably won't ever read it because no one will tell you I wrote it... or maybe you'll read it years from now when one or both of us are in happy relationships... but if you do, I hope I made you smile and I hope you're happy. I really do wish you the best of luck... but I have to hope that it wasn't all in vain.

I have to hope that even though our love story is over, part of it still lives on your heart, as it does in mine... even if you won't admit it to yourself.

*******

Update from a lonely hotel room in Jordan on April 21st 2018, one day after your birthday:

I hate you.

They say that hate and love are not opposites; for the opposite of love is indifference. I'm inclined to agree, but that complicates things; because I'm not sure what implications this carries... and I know I hate you, for so many reasons.

I hate you for hurting me.

I hate you for giving up on me.

I hate you for abandoning me.

I hate you for giving me even more issues than I thought I was capable of having.

I hate you for turning my life upside down when my defenses were down.

I hate you for giving me a hundred reasons to never let them down again.

I hate you for being real.

I hate you for giving me a glimpse of what I was beginning to think does not exist, and then snatching it away when I needed it the most. 

I hate you for not being there anymore...

But most of all, I hate you even more for having been there in the first place... for showing me what I was missing, and for leaving a you-shaped void no amount of distractions or other girls is filling.

You don't deserve my hatred, but my attempts at indifference towards you have not been successful... so I guess that's all I can offer at this point. Maybe one day I can grow to forgive you... or maybe I never will. All I can say is that one of my biggest disappointments in life is that we will never sit down and chat about this; I will never know how our breakup affected you, or how you feel about me now... because I would rather die curious but with my pride intact. 

I hate you because I realize I might never be completely over you, but I wish you well... and I still hope you're happy.

I guess I hate you because I can’t seem to actually hate you.