Perks of Being a Single Guy

It's no secret that I've had 24 and a half years of practice at being a single guy, but it's not as easy as it sounds to stay so single for so long... and while it's mostly because of my very high standards, it's really a potent mix of several factors which I shall list below due to popular demand:

Bondok's Potion of Eternal Bachelorism

Ingredients:

- 1 tbl spoon of trust issues
- 1 tbl spoon of commitment issues
- 1 teaspoon of abandonment issues
- 1 tbl spoon of control issues
- 2 tbl spoons of self-hate
- 1 tbl spoon of narcissism
- 1 cup of tendency to jump five steps ahead
- 1 tbl spoon of introversion- not to be confused with shyness or social anxiety or fear of public speaking
- 5 cups of pride
- 2 cups of desire for freedom
- 5 cups of extremely high standards
- 5 tbl spoons of high expectations
- 1 cup of refusal to "settle" for anyone
- 1 dash of anxiety
- 2 tbl spoons of terrible past relationships
- 1 pinch of overthinking
- 2 cups of jealousy
- 3 cups of possessiveness
- 7 cups of unavailability due to career-related limitations such as travel and working hours
- 1 cup of (often dumb) honesty
- 1 giant ego
- 15 cups of hatred of small talk
- 1 gallon of bipolarity

Directions:

Stir in a pot over medium heat for a few years until you can smell the self-pity. If you smell bitterness and desperation, you've gone too far and will likely have to throw it out and order some take-out (unwarranted prostitution joke).

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Seriously though, being single is not an easy job in your 20s. Not only are you in charge of your own emotional -and sexual- gratification (obvious masturbation joke), but you also need to present a stoic, uncaring yet paradoxically inviting facade to your friends and co-workers, which is not an easy feat when they're all in long-term relationships and looking at you with thinly veiled pity, as if being single were a handicap of some sort. Now let's face it, nobody's single by choice unless they're going through heartbreak or they have some unresolved issues they're struggling with, and excuses such as "I'm working on me for now" and "I'm focusing on my career" are very easy to see through. However, that doesn't mean that single life has to suck.

So, without further ado, here's the silver lining for having a non-existent love life:

1- No need to clean your house. 

This is for all the guys who live alone: you can be as free as you want to unleash your inner Neanderthal: Old underwear and unwashed socks of various degrees of cleanliness all over the place; as well as junk food wrappers; lots of used and discarded plastic silverware; pizza boxes; 3 week old trash; piles of used tissue paper; mounds of unwashed dishes from prehistoric times (on which thrives a complete ecosystem of intelligent life that's a few days from making first contact with you); a 1-cm-thick dust coating on everything; a couch that effectively acts as your wardrobe; a bed whose sheets you haven't changed since you moved in and the unholy, manly stench of testosterone and armpit sweat. Take a whiff of that freedom, boys, and be grateful because you don't have to vacuum/call in an airstrike to get rid of the hazardous waste in your living room in order to prepare it for female company.


2- You can go out with your friends any time you want.

Suddenly feel like you want to spend a guys night out at 9 PM? Call your friends up, put on a T-shirt, and be with them inside one hour, depending on the traffic. No need for approvals; no need to come up with excuses as to why you have time for your friends but no time for your girlfriend, no need to start being a perfect boyfriend a week before the planned guys night out so she'd be in a good mood and not ruin your night with an unnecessary fight... and don't get me started on what happens if she doesn't like or approve of your friends. 

When you're single, it's as simple as setting it up, getting dressed and going out. No complications.

3- You can travel any time you want.

We're adults now, and our free time is very precious currency. If you were to decide tomorrow to take 10 days off and travel anywhere in the world (assuming your boss would allow it), then the only thing you'd need to do is book a flight. No fights over destinations or schedules or company, which is especially important if you're travelling with the aforementioned friends she doesn't like... and if you're trying to organize a trip with your friends without her, you'll be single again faster than your male mind can process it. We all know that planning holidays with friends is already hard enough without having to get signed permission slips from your legal guardian (aka your girlfriend), especially if she's feeling scorned for not being invited to come with you.

4- No need to remember 20 different dates.

Her birthday. Your anniversary. Your first date. Valentine's day. Men aren't programmed to remember all these dates. At best, girls should get to choose ONE annual event for us to remember, and even then we'd only remember it from the reminder we set to ring a week before the date. When you're single, you only care about your own birthday and maybe your mom's. That's it. No other dates to care about; no last minute shopping when you remember an event too late and have to buy any gift immediately before your girlfriend realizes, and no heartbroken looks of disappointment when you forget a seemingly insignificant anniversary like your first labor day together or your first pregnancy scare or your first ritualistic sacrifice.

5- Speaking of; significantly less expenses.

Not to sound cheap, but relationships are expensive. Not only do you have to buy your girlfriend gifts for each of the aforementioned anniversaries (and don't get me started on trying to pick out a suitable gift for a girl), but you will also be expected to frequently take her "some place nice" and obviously pick up the check. Cancelling the annual "girlfriend" budget should give you a significant windfall (sorry for the finance terminology) which you can spend on things you care about like hobbies or vacations. Again, this is not about being cheap- personally I'd love to be in a relationship with a girl I love, who I can spoil and spend my whole paycheck on- but at least there's a tangible silver lining to being single, which you can appreciate the next time you spend a whole night out with your friends for less than $10.


6- No drama.

Perhaps the most significant upside to being single is the reduced drama: no fights because you didn't call or text for a whole 3 hours; no tearful phone calls because you liked that girl's photo on Facebook; and no "Complete Bitch" syndrome when she's having her time of the month. More importantly, it often feels like men and women speak completely different languages, and trying to phrase a sentence to minimize the subtext as much as possible so your girlfriend wouldn't hear something completely different from what you meant to say is like trying to clear a minefield while running away from an angry bear or casting a 12th grade incantation in Latin to summon an elemental spirit from the 7th dimension while juggling on a unicycle on the edge of the Grand Canyon; it's impossible to do and we're very bad at it. No matter how carefully we phrase the sentence, it will almost always rub her up the wrong way and unnecessary drama will follow. On the other hand when you're single there's no need for such advanced diplomacy, and your guy friends almost certainly won't read too much into the obscenities you scream at them as you beat them at FIFA.

7- No emotional vulnerability.

This one's going to sound a tad cheesy, but it's a big deal even though most guys won't admit it; when we love someone, we're a lot more vulnerable than they realize. We often pretend to not care or try to appear unavailable, but that's usually a defense mechanism in order to hide how vulnerable we really are to the one person who can break us if they wanted to. I'm not speaking about the douchebags who actually are unavailable and don't care about their girlfriends; I'm speaking for the genuine, honest-to-God nice guys who actually are in love; it scares us that we care so much and it often feels like our lives would come to a complete standstill if our significant others left us, so some of us like to pretend to be distant and uncaring so as not to be taken for granted or hurt... which is sadly appropriate since girls almost always do this when they know how we really feel. Additionally, if you happen to be the jealous type like me (with a generous helping of trust issues), every day can be a fresh hell for you if your partner doesn't make a constant, active effort to lay your mind to rest.

When you're single, however, you're solid as a rock. No one can get under your skin, and no one can manipulate or take advantage of your feelings. No feelings, no problem.

8- You can focus on your hobbies.

There's no way to say this without sounding like a complete douchebag, but let's use me as an example and try to be objective about it; my being single for such a long time is arguably the main reason why I have so many hobbies that I enjoy, which I wouldn't have explored if all my time had been spent pursuing relationships; I write, I read, I play the guitar, I cook, I travel, I go to the gym, I religiously game on my PS4 and I watch TV series. Of all the activities I listed, only watching TV is a 2-person activity I could have done with my girlfriend- and maybe cooking and gaming if she's especially cool. What that essentially means is that I would have had to skip a lot of hobbies that mean a lot to me -which are now an integral part of my personality and my "personal brand"- in order to make a relationship work, because as previously established, I'm an adult and have very limited free time.

So the next time you find yourself enjoying a quiet night at home with your copy of Battlefield 1 without feeling guilty, give a sad salute to all the poor souls stuck with their girlfriends "someplace nice" on Valentine's day... and try not to think about them getting laid later.


9- You can be the "you" you want to be.

Girls often have strong opinions on your appearance, style and facial hair... because let's face it, the more sophisticated, successful and well-groomed you are, the better a status symbol you are for her. Enter the completely illogical sparring over your haircut, beard, that shirt she doesn't like, etc. She has a perfect mental image of you in her mind and she wants you to constantly live up to it so she can proudly introduce you to the world as her boyfriend, and that can be awfully limiting for a guy, and it can force you to adapt to styles you don't like... it might also win you a snarky comment or two from her or even an actual fight if you decide to go against the established dos and don'ts.

When you're single, on the other hand, you're your own man. You can cultivate whatever persona you want for yourself without any external influences; maybe you're the guy who only wears shirts and constantly dresses like he's going for an interview; or the guy in sweatpants and a T-shirt who looks like he doesn't own any other clothes; or the beefcake in a tank top and ripped jeans. Maybe you favor a full beard today, tomorrow a goatee, a clean shave the day after that. Maybe you shave your head for the hell of it.

The point is that your look is an important part of your first impression and your whole personality... and don't get me wrong, I'm not condoning terrible fashion, but I'm saying that you should give yourself some space to choose what look you want for yourself... and even if you decide you want to look like a homeless guy, being single gives you that freedom... so enjoy perfecting your unique style without getting anybody's intrusive opinion.


10- No talking on the phone.

For all the girls reading this, know this for a fact: GUYS HATE TALKING ON THE PHONE. The fact that your boyfriend talks to you for hours every day just means that he loves you so much that he's going against his very instinct. We prefer to either text or meet in person; the longest acceptable phone call duration for a guy ranges between 1 and 5 minutes, and mindless small-talk for hours is our idea of torture.

So, if you're a single guy lounging on your couch without the need to pay attention to hours of inconsequential, unnecessary details you're expected to be excited about and to which you're supposed to prepare eager follow-up questions, I want you to relish the peace of mind and remember that you're blessed.


To sum up, speaking from personal experience, being single has given me the time to develop my hobbies, make risky high-yield career moves, spend a lot of time with people whose company I enjoy, and cultivate a persona and style that suit me, and I think that's an important part of every adult's early life character development- heck, it's the whole point of being in your 20s. Again, let me emphasize that this blog post isn't an argument that you should stay single forever: I know I wouldn't care about anything on this list if I met someone who I feel deserves my time and affection... but my point is that there's no reason not to enjoy the perks while they last.

And that's all, gents. I hope you're feeling better about your "single" relationship status now... and if you should feel like reading this blog post after a future break-up to remind yourself that you don't need her and that you a strong independent man who don't need no woman, give a mental salute to the author; a fellow single guy who knows how bad it can get sometimes... but who also recognizes how liberating it is.

Why I Dismiss All WWIII Talk and You Should Too

I have taken a vow years ago to not discuss politics or bring any negative energy to my Facebook timeline, but allow me to take a break from this vow just this once and be serious for a moment.

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Brexit? Brace for WWIII.
Donald Trump won the US Presidency? Brace for WWIII.
Turkish air force shot down Russian bomber? WWIII has begun!
I stubbed my toe? Must be WWIII!

These are the sort of posts we all expect to see on social media the minute something of any political significance happens anywhere in the world... and while I'm not discounting the seriousness of any of these events -especially the stubbed toe- my argument is that we shouldn't buy into all the doomsday talk that inevitably follows. I write this of course because of the recent assassination of the Russian ambassador in Turkey, which has many historically uninformed people in my social circles drawing parallels to the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand which kick-started WWI... much like they drew parallels between Putin's invasion of Crimea and Hitler's invasion of Poland, and between Russia's alleged cyber-attack on the US Democratic National Committee and the Cuban missile crisis.

Let me first address this case specifically; while the assassination of the Russian ambassador is no doubt tragic, it will not start WWIII. The reason? Turkey and Russia have been reconciling over the past few months after Turkey shot down a Russian jet in November 2015, and it is in both of their best interests to quickly manage this crisis, as evidenced by the fact that the Russian and Turkish presidents have both publicly announced that this attack was meant to harm Turkish-Russian relations and that they would not allow this to derail the Syria talks planned for today. Russia and Turkey are both regionally isolated, and both stand to lose from a prolonged Syrian civil war because of the increased risk of Islamic insurgency. Additionally, a Russian economy ravaged by US and EU sanctions cannot afford to lose a trading partner as important as Turkey, and Turkey cannot afford to lose an export market as big as Russia as well as a valuable source of tourism income... and most importantly, Turkey does not want a war with nuclear-armed Russia, just as Russia does not want a war with NATO-member Turkey.

What I wrote above is my personal analysis, which you can feel free to agree or disagree with. I'm not writing this post to discuss Turkey-Russia relations, however. This is a job best left for the experts, which I do not claim to be... so let me take a step back and speak more generally. Here are my top reasons to dismiss any talk of WWIII as media hype:


1- No one wants WWIII.

Let's start with the obvious one; no one in the world- not even the most depraved, egocentric lunatic wants to start a world war. Let's analyze the previous world wars; in both cases, international trade was relatively limited and international diplomacy was in its infancy. While WWI was hardly the first global conflict (read up on the Napoleonic wars, for example), it was completely unprecedented in terms of scale of destruction and casualties due to the development of new, previously untested war-fighting methods such as machine guns, chemical warfare, biplanes, TNT and even the first tanks. Since all of these technologies were still new and unused, humanity had not yet realized that this war would evolve into something else entirely; a war so horrific that it was nicknamed "The War to End All Wars" -ironically, as it turned out. Many historians believe that WWII is a direct continuation of WWI, since Hitler's rise to power can be directly linked to the discontent the German public felt towards the treaty of Versaille, where Germany was obligated to pay reparations due to its role in the war, which they felt was unfair.

The point being that WWI, and by extension WWII, were the products of humanity's ignorance of the cost of war after the development of new, significantly more destructive forms of warfare... and even though cyber, drone and information warfare are also new concepts that world leaders and strategists the world over are still grappling with, humanity today is well aware of the cost of global conflict. If the world powers had known what WWI would evolve into, they most definitely would have contained the crisis and attempted to resolve it diplomatically... and if nuclear weapons had existed at the time, a war would have been completely out of the question.


2- WWIII would kill literally everyone -and everything- on the planet.

WWIII, if it ever happens, would be a nuclear war. Considering that the number of nuclear warheads possessed by the United States and Russia (which will both most certainly be involved in a third world war) number in the tens of thousands, they have enough destructive potential to completely annihilate all life on the planet... and that's not mentioning the nuclear weapons possessed by China, India, Pakistan, UK, France, Israel and North Korea... and it's not just about radioactive poisoning, in case you think living in remote or nonstrategic areas would protect you- it wouldn't take more than a few nuclear mushroom clouds to completely destroy the Ozone layer and kick up enough dirt to completely envelop our planet's atmosphere, blocking out the sun... which as you might be aware is how most historians believe the dinosaurs went extinct. Apart from the nuclear fallout, all plant life would die due to the lack of sunlight and the intense cold of the nuclear winter, followed by the animals that feed on them, triggering a mass extinction. Even apart from that, assuming humanity is somehow still able to grow food without sunlight, the disruption in global shipping and trade would likely result in widespread famine in areas that can't grow their own food.

In short, every politician in the world knows that the minute the first nuke is fired, humanity is doomed and we're all dead. No politician would end the world for the sake of their own ego, not even Putin or Trump. If Putin wanted a world war, he had a perfectly good opportunity when Turkey shot down his jet last year. Everyone knows what's at stake, and no one wants it.


3- The world is interlinked by global trade and globalization.

Today's world is globalized and heavily reliant on global trade. Starting a world war is just too expensive, as no country can afford to isolate itself and disrupt global shipping. Take the United States and China for example; the size of their mutual trade is THE key driver for the world economy... and even though they could not disagree more on democracy and despite the fact that China's rise could conceivably challenge US hegemony within the next 50 years, both countries are well-aware that they cannot afford to fight each other because it's simply too bad for business. The entire world is interlinked through trade, and this creates very unfavorable conditions for global conflict- luckily for us.


4-  There are clearly defined geopolitical blocs and alliances.

Among the biggest reasons why WWI began was because Europe was a complete mess of conflicting alliances. No one could clearly understand who was on whose side, and that resulted in an element of unpredictability, which caused a chain reaction no one could have foreseen when Archduke Ferdinand was shot. In today's world, however, even though Syria might seem like a similar mess to early 20th century Europe and Trump's rise to power might challenge the existing global order of alliances, the geopolitical blocs are still very clear; NATO forms one -in partnership with the Scandinavian countries, Japan, South Korea, Australia and increasingly, India- and an uneasy Russia/China alliance forms the other, with an alliance of circumstance with North Korea, Pakistan and Iran. In very broad terms, it's easy to predict how a conflict would play out, which makes all involved countries aware of what they'd be getting into... which also makes it possible to establish rules and dialogue to prevent tensions from boiling over.


5- WWIII talk shouldn't be acceptable.

I feel very strongly about this point; WWIII should not be easy to talk about. Perception is reality; if we grow accustomed to thinking that WWIII is even a remote possibility, what happens when one of us one day becomes one of those world leaders who carry the fate of the planet on their shoulders but is not horrified by the prospect of a third world war? WWIII should forever be unspeakable, inconceivable, a prospect too terrifying to even consider or think about. What it shouldn't be is a constant topic of discussion around the office water cooler. Ask your parents what it was like to live in the shadow of the Cold War, constantly worried about the prospect of a nuclear Armageddon... it is most certainly not a state of affairs we want to impose on ourselves today, and it is definitely not something to casually joke about on social media as if it were an insignificant eventuality we would survive.

Understand that WWIII is game over for humanity.

It is not funny, period.


6- Spreading panic.

Being constantly aware of the news is both a blessing and a curse for our generation. During the Cold War, our parents could simply avoid the news if they wanted to; but today, the internet keeps us up to date with all the tragedies in the world, and it's completely unavoidable unless you turn off your phone and avoid the internet entirely. When you share a bit of news and caption it "WWIII is here" or something along these lines, odds are that when someone reads this, at best it would ruin their day and at worst it would make them panic. I speak from experience; I'm no stranger to panic attacks -complete with cold sweats and hyperventilation- for various reasons I'm not planning to get into, but I can relate to the feeling of hopelessness so severe that it's all you can do to stay in bed and do nothing because ultimately nothing matters if your world seems to be ending anyways.

Long story short, even if you're panicking, there's no reason to spread the panic and scare others. Try to find a sensible, level headed person and have them calm you down and logically convince you that it's not as bad as you think. Get off the internet and read a book or play a game. Go for a jog. Sleep. Scream into a pillow if you have to. Just be aware that spreading doomsday panic is incredibly selfish... I personally make it a point to unfollow people who do it because I don't need this kind of negativity in my life. Have some compassion... Life is dark and depressing enough without your help, and everyone can read the news for themselves; your doomsday caption isn't doing anybody any favors.

In short, if you're pessimistic or panicky, suck it up and keep it to yourself.


7- Media, media, media.

Last but not least, the media. We sometimes fail to remember that media is run like a business; and most news agencies often have political affiliations and agendas depending on who's funding them (Aljazeera promotes Qatar's views, Alarabiya promotes Saudi Arabia's views, Fox News is Republican, etc.). In other words, we should always take whatever news they share with a grain of salt... and these are the reputable news agencies, no less. What would you expect from tabloids and less reputable news agencies? Such publications rely on having catchy titles to get internet traffic, which is how they make money... and they are not above using doomsday captions and hyping up every insignificant story to epic proportions. It is our duty, therefore, as educated and intelligent people to know how to filter out the actual news from the click-bait, and to always get our news from as many credible news agencies as possible in order to get the real news and not whatever politicized or hyped up version each individual news agency might be advocating for.

These are the top reasons why I don't think we should be discussing WWIII at all. In fact, humanity faces much more pressing dangers that we should be worrying about, such as global warming and A.I development (which Stephen Hawking has warned could bring about human extinction). Now, I'm not saying that WWIII is impossible, there is always the risk of brinkmanship and miscalculations or mistakes, but it's unlikely and odds are it will never happen. WWIII hype is just that; hype. Don't fall for it... in fact, actively fight it if you can. Refuse to participate in such conversations and question the credibility of any publication discussing it (since they would almost definitely be Tabloids such as the Daily Mail or Express.co.uk), and develop a healthy sense of cynicism... or you would essentially live your whole life too terrified to step out of your reinforced bunker. If people had this same attitude during the Cold War, everyone would have barricaded themselves at home in the 1950s and waited for the world to end... And they'd still be waiting today, and hopefully still will be for hundreds of years.

And at the end of the day, even in the statistically improbable and highly unlikely event of a nuclear holocaust, it would more likely than not be quick and painless. I can think of worse ways to go... Give me a mushroom cloud over cancer, any day.

I leave you now with Adele's immortal words:

Let the sky fall,

When it crumbles...

We will stand tall,

And face it all together.