Musings of a Wanderer

I haven't posted anything meaningful for a while on Facebook or on my blog... not because I'm a mindless airhead, but because I don't believe that sharing news about genocide and war and famine on my wall would be of any help to anyone. Actually, it could quite possibly ruin someone's day, so I've opted against it. And like every Egyptian, I've grown cynical about politics since the epic failure that is the Egyptian "Revolution" of 2011, so I've stopped caring altogether... but I don't want it said that it's because I don't have anything of substance to say, but rather that I am past Facebook activism... So, to dispel these unfounded rumors that I only have sappy romantic thoughts and sarcasm flowing through my veins, I've decided to discuss something different on this post.

I'm sure you've all read the quote "Not all those who wander are lost"...

Bull.

Shit.

Whether you took this quote to mean wandering between career choices, or literally wandering the Earth, I call bullshit. This quote really pisses me off because it hints that the "wanderers" in question are wandering by choice, on a quest for wisdom or some higher purpose like in that Julia Roberts movie "Eat, Pray, Love"(which I despise with a passion, by the way), but this is never the case. It implies that we're very organized, focused and we know what we want in life. Now, unless you're a 43 year-old middle manager with a wife and 3 kids that you drive every week to football practice, this might be true for you... But for the vast majority of 20 (or 30)-something year olds, who I suspect are the target audience for this quote, this couldn't be further from the truth.

I am a wanderer, and I am lost. There is no shame in admitting it, and there is nothing to be gained from pretending to be a wise, all-knowing, enlightened entity of pure light who embarks on journeys to discover meaning and help others while lesser beings eat and sleep and shit like normal human beings. I won't pretend that where I am now is 100% my choice, or that I'm doing it for anything other than my career. And when I travel, I don't do it to gain wisdom and learn about other cultures and all that claptrap; I do it because it's fun, and I'll bet 98% of people who travel on their free time do it for that reason too. Yes, the benefits of traveling number in the hundreds, but they're an added bonus you get, not the target you're aiming for when you pack your bags and head to the airport. Unless you're that entity of pure light I mentioned above, in which case I'm surprised that you need an airplane to transport you and that you don't just will yourself into existence wherever you're needed most... good luck on your quest, you uppetty, pretentious, Ghandi-wannabe douche.

I'm not going to discuss the first potential meaning of the quote -which is wandering between goals and career choices- beyond saying that I firmly believe that it's OK or even vital to be lost at this point in your life if you want to improve yourself and test your limits... but I'll tackle the other, more literal meaning, as in "traveling", because I've been noticing some people using this quote to justify going to Gouna for a weekend... I've also been noticing people sharing another quote, "if traveling were free you'd never see me again". I'm really curious who'd rather stay at their desk and work in their shitty backwater country while bombs blow up all around them. Might as well say "If I get hungry, I always eat" or "Sometimes I go to the bathroom when I want to take a shower". Maybe I'll take this quote apart in another blogpost but for now, it's the who and the wandering and the lost that concern me.

Being lost is not the end of the world. Not knowing what we want in life is what makes our 20s such a fun phase, when we truly get to know ourselves and get closer to knowing what we want in life, and this is where I'll admit traveling can help you. And I don't mean the "traveling for a week to Amsterdam with your friends to get baked" kind of traveling; I mean traveling alone, living alone abroad for a significant period of time, and facing the world on your own for the first time. Want clean underwear? Do your laundry. Want to look sharp at work? Iron your shirts. Snagged your shirt on a doorknob? Sew it back together. Hungry? Feed yourself. No food in the fridge because you forgot to buy some groceries? Too bad, you'll go to bed hungry. And guess what, that plate you ate from 3 days ago? It's not going to wash itself , lying in your sink like that. And you'd better pay that bill on your kitchen counter too, if you want to have electricity next month. What's that smell? Oh, you must have forgotten to take out the trash this week. Working late? No one will get worried and call you to ask where you are or show any kind of concern... and when you finally come home, there's no family to welcome you back with a hug and a smile or friends to try to talk to you into going out at 11 PM.

Before long, when you realize there's no one to go home to, you'll stop trying to go back to your empty home at all, preferring to spend your nights at the office and just going home to sleep. And God be with you when you're sick, because no one else will be... and there won't be anyone to take care of you like your friends would,  or fuss over you and give you medicine like your mom would.  You have to be your own sidekick; your own rock; your own shoulder to cry on. It's very freeing, but it's also very eerie... especially if you're used to having servants and being pampered at home. I know, first-world problems. Anyway,  these are all minor issues but there are bigger issues still.

The nature of my job makes me uproot myself from the country I'm in every 6 months, and not just that but also my role -that is to say, my job- changes as well... which is why I consider myself a wanderer, and it's  something very few people can truly relate to... In a nutshell (no pun intended), I don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore. Nowhere I go is home. I am always very aware of the fact that I'm not going to stay here... even when I'm back in Cairo, I always know I'll be leaving very soon anyways. It might sound like something amazing, and it is in some ways, but there are a lot of drawbacks too... I'm not the only expat in the world, but others usually settle in one place and call it home. They start learning the language, integrating themselves into society and playing basketball every Friday with the other expats they met in one of their language classes. They form a community. Now, when you move somewhere knowing full-well that you're not going to stay there for the long-haul, it makes little sense to do any of these things. Why would you? If you learn the language, right around the time when you would be starting to get the hang of it, you'd be asked to move. Getting a gym membership for 6 months is suddenly a very big commitment that you can't quite get yourself to make. You can try to make friends, but there will always be that elephant in the room that you're only there for a few months and then you'll likely never see them again, and that will prevent you from forming real connections... and when you have that "living out of your suitcase" mentality, you'll never really try because why bother?

Also, remember when you were a teenager and you used to fantasize about all the things you'd do when you had financial independence and lived alone? Yeah, you probably won't be doing those things anyway, even though you're living in a country where no one knows you and you can literally do anything you want... because guess what? If you don't go to work and slave away for 8-14 hours a day, you'll get fired and no one is going to pay your bill for you and you won't be able to feed yourself. At first you'll try to go out every day after work... BECAUSE YOU CAN! But then you'll realize that you can't, because you have to do your laundry if you want to have a shirt to wear to work tomorrow, and your internet is down & you have to get it fixed so you can Skype with your family who have undoubtedly started forgetting what you look like.

It's not just words, you really will learn a lot about yourself. Would you tidy up your room if there was no one nagging you constantly about it? Would you do the dishes? Would you prefer to stay at your house and be an introvert, or would you like to go out and experience the culture and visit places you haven't been before? Would you allow yourself to wallow in self-pity and depression, or would you constantly distract yourself with activities? Bear in mind that wallowing is suddenly very dangerous, because no one will snatch you out of it. Would you try to go out every day, or make yourself a nice little comfort zone? What would your finances be like; are you going to be one of those people who live their lives and don't mind spending their entire salary as long as they're having fun and shopping every weekend, or would you be stingy and have a tight budget you never exceed because your savings aren't going to save themselves?

Most of all though, you will learn that no one in your life is irreplaceable. It is a sad fact no one wants to face, but no less true. You want to believe that some people are constants in your life and that you won't be able to live without them, but you know what? You can, and you will. This is a lesson I've learned that I really didn't want to, but it is very true. I miss my family and my friends more than I can say, but I've realized that my life will go on with or without them.  Your family? You'll try to keep in touch and speak on Skype and send Whatsapp updates, but it won't ever be the same as living with them and hearing about their day and having lunch together again. And when you meet, you'll feel like an intruding guest and everyone will be super-nice to you to an unnerving degree, to the point where you want to yell at them to treat you the same way, because it's breaking your heart that they can't nag and annoy you like they used to. And you'll be expected to be nice to them and smile all the time because you're not going to ruin the few days you're spending with them, are you?

Your girlfriend? Maybe you'll try to keep the long-distance thing going as long as you can, but in the end the relationship will fail.. and the sooner you come to terms with it the better. You'll be busy at work and you'll lose touch with her for days at a time, and while she's missing you back home maybe she'll start talking to that friendly guy who sits next to her in Sociology. She'll start telling him that you're the love of her life and that she'd wait for you for years. She'll tell him about her day, and he'll know everything about her. She'll tell him about you, and then maybe she'll complain to him one time about your unavailability. Then she'll complain twice. Then three times. Before you know it, he's her go-to guy who knows her hopes and dreams and daily updates, while you're that guy she Skypes with on weekends to have fights with, and then suddenly it's over and you're dealing with heartbreak on top of everything else. You'll think that you'll die from the pain... she was your soulmate! But then you know what happens? One day you'll be sitting at work or talking to your new friends, and you'll realize that you haven't thought about her in a week. And you'll be fine.

Speaking of... your friends? You'll make new ones. It might not be the same, and you'll still keep in touch with your old friends and reminisce about the good old days... and maybe you'll still be best friends... But at the end of the day, they're not there anymore, and no number of Skype calls or Whatsapp messages will ever be enough, and it will never be the same whether you like it or not, so you do what you can to survive. You'll meet amazing new people and you'll grow very close, and that will make you feel slightly guilty because of all the people you left back home... but you know what? They've made other friends, and they're probably feeling guilty too. And here's the kicker: a few months later you'll leave your new friends too, and they'll join the ranks of "best friends" who you know will always be there for you, but who must be replaced one more time nevertheless. The key takeaway here is that life goes on.

I really didn't want to use this phrase, but I guess there is no better way to describe my current state of existence... living like this turns you into a "lone wolf", as much as I'd like to deny it. You get too used to your own company, and you forget what it's like to live with other people... You grow too independent. In that, living alone abroad is like death. It teaches you to deal with loss. It teaches you that there is no person that you can't live without, because if humans were that emotionally frail we wouldn't have been the fittest and we wouldn't have survived to be at the top of the food chain. But this is very sad, because once you come to that realization, you can never have that connection with anyone ever again. You'll never feel like you can't live without a certain person. No matter how close you are to someone, you'll always have this feeling that "you know what? If you disappear tomorrow I'll still be alright"... and there's no going back from that.

And that is what travel will teach you. Traveling for a few days with friends or family is an amazing experience, but this is not the kind of travel that will change who you are or teach you any life skills. That's not to say that I don't enjoy it, but if you really want that "quest" of self-enlightenment a la Julia Roberts, you should consider living alone for a while in a foreign country... NOT traveling to Barcelona for 4 days and then sharing annoying posts about wanderers or the benefits of travel. I don't mean to sound like an arrogant douche, but I've learned about this lifestyle the hard way... so it pisses me off when someone expects a fun weekend to give them the hard-earned experience I've gathered so far on a silver plate. Not that I'm a grizzled veteran of twenty wars or anything, but life lessons like this must be taught the hard way.

So to sum up, if you really want to be independent in every sense of the word -financially, emotionally and mentally- and you have a chance to live abroad alone, you should do it... but don't expect it to be all sunshine and rainbows and unicorns. At turns it will be fun, difficult and lonely... but it's a great experience nonetheless, and it will develop you much more as a person and allow you to grow more than you can imagine. I really believe that this is something everyone should do before getting married; firstly because it teaches you to be responsible, and secondly because it teaches you to love yourself (not in the literal sense), and I don't think anyone can ever truly love someone until they learn to love themselves first (again, not literally). I'm failing miserably on that count, but it's a process, and I want to believe I'm slightly warming up to the possibility that I might not be a total waste of oxygen who is still somehow better than everyone else because logic can go love itself (literally).

Let me end this with a quote of my own:

Not all those who wander will be lost forever.

There, I've even made it Italic. Go ahead and quote me next time, maybe I won't be so pissed, then.
But seriously, I'll unfollow the next person who shares that quote on my newsfeed. Face the facts, bro: when it comes to your career and your future, you're not a wise visionary.. you're as lost as all the rest of us puny mortals. And if you mean traveling and you're referring to that one time you went to Paris, I really don't have anything more to say to you that doesn't involve colorful swearwords and hate-mail.