It's been a month since I've last written anything, and for me that was an entirely different life... a different world. Some people I cared deeply about are now barely acquaintances, and some concerns I had before I left feel no longer even slightly relevant. But don't you worry about me... I still have plenty to obsess about.
You see, what started this off is one day, when I left the office early. Usually between work, studying, cooking, laundry, grooming, gymming and all the other things I need to do to keep functioning, I don't have time for myself. I haven't talked to my family in weeks (aside from Whatsapp) and it's been so long since I've talked to any of my friends that most of them are probably going to have a hard time remembering who I am if we run into each other by chance somewhere... Not that there is much chance of that happening even if they're in town, because the only places I've been frequenting since I came here are my apartment and work.
But here's the ironic part: when I'm busy with all of the stuff mentioned above, I don't have time to contemplate... I'm a machine with a strict routine that doesn't have the luxury of alone time. When I'm not doing one of the above activities I'm going out with other people at the office because it's expected of me (and a little because I want to), and so I've found that I didn't really have time to think about anything during my first month here.
So when suddenly I did have some time, shit got real.
Going home relatively early and having a frozen pizza for dinner left plenty of time for some gaming... which is usually awesome when I'm being antisocial on purpose back in my room in Egypt (a room I'll probably never live in again, but that's a story for another time) but less awesome when I realized that for perhaps the first time in my adult life, being antisocial is no longer entirely up to me. When I got bored of gaming and felt like going out for an hour or two, I realized I didn't have that many people I could call up to hang out with, especially with my roommate working late and the apartment being uncharacteristically empty.
And that scared me more than anything else I could think of.
As a responsible adult with a day job whose friends are also working and not always free to hang out, it's understandable for that sort of thing to happen... but usually what happens next is that I'd spend some quality time with my parents or I'd go annoy my sister for a bit. Meaning I never lacked for human interaction. I could afford to be antisocial. What's happening now that I'm a bachelor living alone in another country is quite the opposite, and it's not that I want to go out every day but the idea that I "can't" if I want to is enough to make me panic.
Although "can't" is really the wrong word; I have lots of people I can hang out with but I've been dealing with so many people at work I'd rather not deal with that I've grown tired of unnecessary relationships and forced friendships. It's a bit depressing that both parties know they would much rather be somewhere else with other people, but they're unfortunately stuck with each other. There's a mutual understanding -an unspoken agreement- that yeah I know we don't like each other that much, but we're both here so we might as well pretend to until it's time to leave. It doesn't feel real... because it's isn't real. Of course there are exceptions to this, and I've met some great people here... but that's the exception that proves the rule.
I miss my friends and family. I miss my depressing room back in Cairo. I miss the traffic on the way to work every day. I miss making spontaneous decisions to go out with friends at 9 PM on a Tuesday. I miss having someone clean up my room and do my laundry and prepare my food... Not to sound spoiled, but it's hard to to do that stuff if you're used to someone else doing it all the time. Even my annoying maid who I hated with every fiber of my being would be a welcome sight in my emotionless hotel room where I'm just a whiskey bottle and a few packs of cigarettes away from the stereotypical self-hating narcissist wasting away... except that I'm way too young for that.
And then there's her.
I don't know why fate toys with me so much. It is nothing short of a cruel joke, and I'm not laughing. It's not funny. If my life was a novel, only the most bitter, sadistic writer could have come up with this scenario. I miss her and I want to do something about it, but I don't really have any options. I have to choose between doing nothing and doing something really stupid, and I don't think I like either scenario... and I know she feels the same. Neither one of us needs to say anything, but we both know what's going on and we are both unsure what we should do about it... But what CAN we do? Long-distance is suicide for a healthy, long-term relationship, let alone one that hasn't even started yet. I suppose the best course of action is to not do anything, but I don't like it because it leaves too much room for misunderstandings.
So yeah, like I said, I don't think this post has a point... but the title should have given that away. If you're still here you have only yourself to blame. As for me, I'm completely burned out now and I've been writing this blog post for the past hour at work so evidently I don't give a flying fuck anymore. Let's hope the weekend brings some relief... Although it's unlikely because my roommate (who I've apparently grown too dependent on) is travelling for the weekend and I have the whole apartment, just for me and my thoughts...
Fun.
You see, what started this off is one day, when I left the office early. Usually between work, studying, cooking, laundry, grooming, gymming and all the other things I need to do to keep functioning, I don't have time for myself. I haven't talked to my family in weeks (aside from Whatsapp) and it's been so long since I've talked to any of my friends that most of them are probably going to have a hard time remembering who I am if we run into each other by chance somewhere... Not that there is much chance of that happening even if they're in town, because the only places I've been frequenting since I came here are my apartment and work.
But here's the ironic part: when I'm busy with all of the stuff mentioned above, I don't have time to contemplate... I'm a machine with a strict routine that doesn't have the luxury of alone time. When I'm not doing one of the above activities I'm going out with other people at the office because it's expected of me (and a little because I want to), and so I've found that I didn't really have time to think about anything during my first month here.
So when suddenly I did have some time, shit got real.
Going home relatively early and having a frozen pizza for dinner left plenty of time for some gaming... which is usually awesome when I'm being antisocial on purpose back in my room in Egypt (a room I'll probably never live in again, but that's a story for another time) but less awesome when I realized that for perhaps the first time in my adult life, being antisocial is no longer entirely up to me. When I got bored of gaming and felt like going out for an hour or two, I realized I didn't have that many people I could call up to hang out with, especially with my roommate working late and the apartment being uncharacteristically empty.
And that scared me more than anything else I could think of.
As a responsible adult with a day job whose friends are also working and not always free to hang out, it's understandable for that sort of thing to happen... but usually what happens next is that I'd spend some quality time with my parents or I'd go annoy my sister for a bit. Meaning I never lacked for human interaction. I could afford to be antisocial. What's happening now that I'm a bachelor living alone in another country is quite the opposite, and it's not that I want to go out every day but the idea that I "can't" if I want to is enough to make me panic.
Although "can't" is really the wrong word; I have lots of people I can hang out with but I've been dealing with so many people at work I'd rather not deal with that I've grown tired of unnecessary relationships and forced friendships. It's a bit depressing that both parties know they would much rather be somewhere else with other people, but they're unfortunately stuck with each other. There's a mutual understanding -an unspoken agreement- that yeah I know we don't like each other that much, but we're both here so we might as well pretend to until it's time to leave. It doesn't feel real... because it's isn't real. Of course there are exceptions to this, and I've met some great people here... but that's the exception that proves the rule.
I miss my friends and family. I miss my depressing room back in Cairo. I miss the traffic on the way to work every day. I miss making spontaneous decisions to go out with friends at 9 PM on a Tuesday. I miss having someone clean up my room and do my laundry and prepare my food... Not to sound spoiled, but it's hard to to do that stuff if you're used to someone else doing it all the time. Even my annoying maid who I hated with every fiber of my being would be a welcome sight in my emotionless hotel room where I'm just a whiskey bottle and a few packs of cigarettes away from the stereotypical self-hating narcissist wasting away... except that I'm way too young for that.
And then there's her.
I don't know why fate toys with me so much. It is nothing short of a cruel joke, and I'm not laughing. It's not funny. If my life was a novel, only the most bitter, sadistic writer could have come up with this scenario. I miss her and I want to do something about it, but I don't really have any options. I have to choose between doing nothing and doing something really stupid, and I don't think I like either scenario... and I know she feels the same. Neither one of us needs to say anything, but we both know what's going on and we are both unsure what we should do about it... But what CAN we do? Long-distance is suicide for a healthy, long-term relationship, let alone one that hasn't even started yet. I suppose the best course of action is to not do anything, but I don't like it because it leaves too much room for misunderstandings.
So yeah, like I said, I don't think this post has a point... but the title should have given that away. If you're still here you have only yourself to blame. As for me, I'm completely burned out now and I've been writing this blog post for the past hour at work so evidently I don't give a flying fuck anymore. Let's hope the weekend brings some relief... Although it's unlikely because my roommate (who I've apparently grown too dependent on) is travelling for the weekend and I have the whole apartment, just for me and my thoughts...
Fun.
No comments:
Post a Comment