Stockholm Syndrome

Here goes...

For the first time in my life, I can't express myself. I have so much to say that every time I try writing this I get overwhelmed by the sheer emotion I feel is incommunicable through words. How do you describe abstract concepts like time or energy or love?

I don't know why I love Egypt. There, I said it. There is no logical reason for it except maybe Stockholm Syndrome. Why would you love an oppressive country with a beyond corrupt government and completely illiterate and ignorant populace who judge you for being unique and hate you for being different? Why would you be loyal to a country that isn't loyal to you, where your rights are outright denied and your blood is cheaper than dirt? Why would you want to live somewhere where the populace excels in classifying you according to your looks, background, education, social class, religion, religion, religion and political opinions?

Why would you want to live in a country whose happiness rating ranks is in the bottom 35 countries in the world? Why would you have any sense of loyalty to a country that hasn't provided you with even the most basic of services for the taxes you pay, where you pay for your own education, healthcare, housing and transportation (if you can afford it)? Why would you want to work in a country where there hasn't been an original thought since the pyramids, which are apparently our only achievement in human history?

Why would you want to raise your children in a country where the education system is arguably the worst in the world? Why would you want to expose them to a private school where they would make friends with/get bullied by some entitled, spoiled, inadequately disciplined classmates who would crush creativity or initiative out of them at a very young age? and if you can't afford a private school, why would you send them to a glorified penitentiary where they won't learn anything other than doing drugs and sexually harassing girls for no other reason than because they don't know any better?  Why would you raise them in a country where it's apparently acceptable if they get killed on campus for demonstrating? And if they should happen to graduate alive, why would you want them to get a degree from either a terrible public school or an even worse private university where you have to pay half your life savings to give them a better shot at a job in a completely saturated job market due to a stagnant and failing economy? Why would you want their biggest achievement in their young adult life to be landing a stable, well-paying job (never mind a job they like)?

Why would you want to spend half your life in traffic where it's only getting worse by the day due to the complete lack of public transport infrastructure and complete reliance on cars? Why would you want to live in a country where it's perfectly normal to get 4-hour daily power outages during the unforgiving summer? Why would you want your wife/daughter sexually harassed or raped just because she showed her face outside the protective confines of your car? Why would you want to have to make a choice between the non-existent public transportation system or paying more than double the price for a car because of customs that are supposed to be there to encourage local manufacturers who don't actually exist? And after you buy the overpriced car, you make peace with the fact that it won't last for even half of its expected life because the "roads" we have are 50% potholes and completely neglected... and while we're at it, be sure to say your prayers before you drive because you might just be one of the 12,000 people who die every year in a car crash on Egyptian roads.

Why would you want to live in a country where you are there to serve the police, not the other way around? Why would you want to call the police to report a robbery and have them hang up on you or tell you "what  am I supposed to do about it?"? Why would you want to live in a country where governors are exclusively ex-policemen whose only job is to control the populace and crackdown on demonstrators? Why would you want to have to have connections to finish your government paperwork unless you want to spend months getting a paper signed by two underpaid, bureaucratic sadists who just want to ruin your life? Why would you want to be in a country where it is perfectly normal for a government official to be earning a 6 digit salary while more than a quarter of the population (about 23 million people) can't afford to feed themselves, and have no access to electricity or drinking water? Why would you want to live in a country where the health system is one of the most corrupt and inefficient in the world, where doctors are paid less than taxi drivers and patients are treated like moneybags... and if you can't afford medicine, then make way for someone who can?

Why would you want to live in a country that actively encourages xenophobia to gain legitimacy? Why would you want to live in a country where the armed forces have a monopoly over the industry and use the profits to line their pockets rather than modernize the obsolete military? Why would you want to live in a country where the ministry of defense is in complete, unparalleled charge of governing the country and even deals with multinational companies to build power stations have to be signed by the defense minster for some reason? Why would you want to live in a country where it's blasphemy to denounce the government's actions when they kill unarmed protesters and you get labelled a traitor and sentenced to prison?

I don't have the answer to any of those questions. I feel betrayed  by the promise of change and heartbroken by the lack of it. I feel like a gardener who watched his garden get trampled by stampeding elephants. I feel like a father who lost his firstborn. Egypt depresses me... and even though I have completely lost all faith and hope, for some reason I still feel like Egypt is my home, and I don't know what I am beyond "Egyptian". No matter how much I hate Egypt, I still can't help loving it... the reason why is beyond me.

I was planning to write a pros and cons-type of post where I first list everything I hate and then say everything I like and that at the end of the day they cancel out... but they don't. I couldn't find anything good to write about, other than "traffic doesn't feel so bad when you're laughing it off with a friend". I can't find two good things to say about a country I apparently can't get over...

 Yep, I'm calling it. Stockholm Syndrome.

Dear Diary

It's been a month since I've last written anything, and for me that was an entirely different life... a different world. Some people I cared deeply about are now barely acquaintances, and some concerns I had before I left feel no longer even slightly relevant. But don't you worry about me... I still have plenty to obsess about.

You see, what started this off is one day, when I left the office early. Usually between work, studying, cooking, laundry, grooming, gymming and all the other things I need to do to keep functioning, I don't have time for myself. I haven't talked to my family in weeks (aside from Whatsapp) and it's been so long since I've talked to any of my friends that most of them are probably going to have a hard time remembering who I am if we run into each other by chance somewhere... Not that there is much chance of that happening even if they're in town, because the only places I've been frequenting since I came here are my apartment and work.

But here's the ironic part: when I'm busy with all of the stuff mentioned above, I don't have time to contemplate... I'm a machine with a strict routine that doesn't have the luxury of alone time. When I'm not doing one of the above activities I'm going out with other people at the office because it's expected of me (and a little because I want to), and so I've found that I didn't really have time to think about anything during my first month here.

So when suddenly I did have some time, shit got real.

Going home relatively early and having a frozen pizza for dinner left plenty of time for some gaming... which is usually awesome when I'm being antisocial on purpose back in my room in Egypt (a room I'll probably never live in again, but that's a story for another time) but less awesome when I realized that for perhaps the first time in my adult life, being antisocial is no longer entirely up to me. When I got bored of gaming and felt like going out for an hour or two, I realized I didn't have that many people I could call up to hang out with, especially with my roommate working late and the apartment being uncharacteristically empty.

And that scared me more than anything else I could think of.

As a responsible adult with a day job whose friends are also working and not always free to hang out, it's understandable for that sort of thing to happen... but usually what happens next is that I'd spend some quality time with my parents or I'd go annoy my sister for a bit. Meaning I never lacked for human interaction. I could afford to be antisocial. What's happening now that I'm a bachelor living alone in another country is quite the opposite, and it's not that I want to go out every day but the idea that I "can't" if I want to is enough to make me panic.

Although "can't" is really the wrong word; I have lots of people I can hang out with but I've been dealing with so many people at work I'd rather not deal with that I've grown tired of unnecessary relationships and forced friendships. It's a bit depressing that both parties know they would much rather be somewhere else with other people, but they're unfortunately stuck with each other. There's a mutual understanding -an unspoken agreement- that yeah I know we don't like each other that much, but we're both here so we might as well pretend to until it's time to leave. It doesn't feel real... because it's isn't real. Of course there are exceptions to this, and I've met some great people here... but that's the exception that proves the rule.

I miss my friends and family. I miss my depressing room back in Cairo. I miss the traffic on the way to work every day. I miss making spontaneous decisions to go out with friends at 9 PM on a Tuesday. I miss having someone clean up my room and do my laundry and prepare my food... Not to sound spoiled, but it's hard to to do that stuff if you're used to someone else doing it all the time. Even my annoying maid who I hated with every fiber of my being would be a welcome sight in my emotionless hotel room where I'm just a whiskey bottle and a few packs of cigarettes away from the stereotypical self-hating narcissist wasting away... except that I'm way too young for that.

And then there's her.

I don't know why fate toys with me so much. It is nothing short of a cruel joke, and I'm not laughing. It's not funny. If my life was a novel, only the most bitter, sadistic writer could have come up with this scenario. I miss her and I want to do something about it, but I don't really have any options. I have to choose between doing nothing and doing something really stupid, and I don't think I like either scenario... and I know she feels the same. Neither one of us needs to say anything, but we both know what's going on and we are both unsure what we should do about it... But what CAN we do? Long-distance is suicide for a healthy, long-term relationship, let alone one that hasn't even started yet. I suppose the best course of action is to not do anything, but I don't like it because it leaves too much room for misunderstandings.

So yeah, like I said, I don't think this post has a point... but the title should have given that away. If you're still here you have only yourself to blame. As for me, I'm completely burned out now and I've been writing this blog post for the past hour at work so evidently I don't give a flying fuck anymore. Let's hope the weekend brings some relief... Although it's unlikely because my roommate (who I've apparently grown too dependent on) is travelling for the weekend and I have the whole apartment, just for me and my thoughts...

Fun.