"We're gathered here today to pay our respects to Mr. Marvin Burton"
Marvin.. he'd always hated his name. It was ancient.. a name you'd expect a grandfather to be called, not a 23 year-old. His classmates had always made fun of him at school, giving him annoying nicknames like "The 100-year-old boy who lived" and asking him what it felt like to fight in the Civil War.. If it really did turn brother against brother like they said in the movies. He hated these jokes and he hated his name even more.. But at least he wouldn't have to live with it now.. It would just be inscribed on a gravestone and he would lie there, forever forgotten.
In the movies, when some happy go-lucky angel or genie came up and asked a character if they wanted to see how the world would be without them, they always omitted this part. Contrary to popular belief, although we all like to think that tears will be shed and that our close friends' lives would be turned upside down in the aftermath of the soul-wrecking agony of our deaths, it's really not something one should see. Seeing your loved ones in this much pain is something only the most sadistic of people can appreciate. He wished he a had a remote control with a "mute" button, to tune out the sound of misery in the hall. Suddenly, as if someone had yanked the speaker's plug out of the socket, the world was mute. Strange..
He looked around, searching for that one face.. but she was nowhere to be found. He was glad she didn't show up.. She'd hurt him and he never wanted to see her face again, alive or dead. At least she had the common decency to not waltz in to his funeral and "pay her respects".. Ah, never mind. There she is. Of course she came.. When there's tragedy involved, drama queens always liked to associate themselves with whoever died, got terminally ill, lost family members or had to leave the country for good. It didn't matter if they were close or not, they'd just put on a sad face and some crocodile tears and thrive off of the mourners' attention. He'd seen it happen with some of his close friends, and he couldn't stomach it; people's attention was better directed at the deceased, not at some faker who turned up to pretend to be a damsel in distress, ultimately aiming to soak up some soothing words, put on a brave face, and get some guys' phone numbers. Of course they'd give her their phone numbers. Look at her.. She was as majestic as a tigress and twice as dangerous. Her face was strikingly white in stark contrast to her black clothes. She didn't wear any make up; her tears didn't leave smudges of eye-liner all over her face. It's not like she needed any make-up, though.. She was so pretty that he was sure if he were still alive, he'd have got a headache just looking at her.. kind of like the headache you got after consuming too much sugar.
He scanned the hall again, looking for familiar faces. There his family was, bundled together in the front decks of the hall. It wasn't right. He didn't want to see that. He quickly looked away, and immediately spotted his friends. They were also sitting in front, a respectful distance away from his family. So many had turned up.. He couldn't help but feel slightly better. He was a narcissist in life and a narcissist in death. He didn't deserve to have had all these people in his life. He'd only ever loved himself and he'd never been any real help to anyone. If only he could go back and change things..
He wasn't exactly sure why he was lingering here. He'd thought he should be up there now, getting judged for his sins.. He hadn't expected this transit. It was both a blessing and a curse, really.. He'd wanted to see their faces, but not like this. Never like this.
He forced himself to watch his family again.. It would be the last time for him to see them in a very long time. Looking at his parents, he couldn't help but feel remorse. He shouldn't be here. He should be alive, caring for them in their old age, not dead before they were even retired. His mother didn't seem awake.. and she didn't seem asleep either. She simply sat there, embedded in a sea of sad faces, existing to serve no purpose. He didn't want them to remember him like this.. He'd have loved for them to reminisce about all the fun times they'd had together, not tear themselves apart over a death they had no hand in.
His father was hugging his mother, trying to soothe her, but he looked like he needed a hug himself. Judging by his facial expression, he was still in denial. Marvin really didn't want to be there when he snapped out of it. His sister was obviously there too, looking sick and much older than her 20 years. It was sick and wrong that he was watching this, he shouldn't remember them that way either.
He was a terrible son. He was short-tempered and irritable, always snapping hurtful remarks and apologising for them later. A glass-half-full kind of guy would have focused on the apologising, but he was forever a pessimist. All he could see now was all the times he'd given his parents hell over sending him out to run an errand; how he'd always thrown childish tantrums over trivial things like food (He hated rice and his mother insisted on cooking it. It seemed so silly he could have laughed); how he was never there for his family when they needed him because he wanted to be there for his friends, which now that he came to think about, was a really stupid thing to do. He'd cared about them in his own selfish way, rarely bothering to go out of his way to help out, rarely caring enough to just spend some quality time at home with them without having any requests or demands. It had got to the point where his dad automatically knew he wanted money when he tried to socialize with him. He was rarely even there to talk to his sister and help her through tight spots.. He was a terrible excuse for family. He didn't care enough to offer his help. Granted, he was always too lazy to help himself, let alone others, but he still wasn't a son or a brother anyone would hope for.
He tore his eyes away from his family and looked at his friends. They didn't seem much better off. They weren't tearful because they had to keep brave faces, of course, but it seemed like most of them would lose many nights' sleep over this. Everyone was there, even people he didn't like. He couldn't help but feel touched. He'd been a very bad friend to them - God, was he ever any good to anyone? Yeah. He was good to her. But she didn't hesitate to tear his life apart and show up to his funeral to ruin his death for him as well. At least his friends ruined her advances.. It would have been a real slap to the face to see her getting along with them. He was always too busy for his friends for one reason or another, but he liked to think he pulled through when they actually needed him. Or did he? He wasn't sure. All he felt was mind-numbing regret.. that he couldn't go back in time and show these people how much their support meant for him and that he was very sorry for having been such a major pain in the groin for most of them. It was ironic that all the people he considered to be his first priority back-stabbed him in cold blood, while everyone he took for granted always wanted what was best for him.
He remembered that one time when he'd just ended things with his ex-girlfriend and his friends spent a whole week taking it in turns to take him out and keep him safe from his self-deprecating thoughts. He remembered that time when his grandmother passed away and they all showed up at the funeral (Deja-vu) and kept cracking lame jokes to make him laugh. Ironically it worked and he was soon laughing like an idiot and everyone was looking at him like he'd raped a kitten or something. He wondered how he'd feel if people started laughing at his funeral and quickly made a mental note to apologise to grandma when he saw her up there.
His whole life was summed up in this room. This room contained everyone he ever cared about or shared a laugh with.. It seemed so pathetic it was almost obscene.. that this would be his legacy. He would just be someone's past, a picture in a frame hung upon someone's bed somewhere. A forgotten memory that might or might not bring a smile to someone's face. One of the thousands of faces one meets in their lifetime.. A face they might remember with a smile or a frown, a face they might come to associate with joy or misery. He suddenly felt very insignificant. This must be what another brick in the wall feels like.. albeit the broken, self-hating, selfish brick that he was in life. The worst part about this whole thing was that he knew what he was. He didn't have the luxury of pretending he was a good person. No one would swoop in and talk him out of it. No well-meaning genie would grant him a second chance to go back and fix everything.. It wasn't a Disney movie. He was dead. He had negatively impacted everyone in his life. There was no going back. Once the grief washed away, they'd all remember him for what he really was.
Suddenly he couldn't take it any more. He wanted to leave this place, to never come back, to get the hell away and go be damned in some deep, dark hole where he couldn't hurt other people or ruin their lives. He just hoped that when his ex-girlfriend died, she'd be sent to a different deep dark hole so he wouldn't have to spend eternity with her. That would be torture.. but maybe he deserved it.
He just wanted to be gone.
His father was hugging his mother, trying to soothe her, but he looked like he needed a hug himself. Judging by his facial expression, he was still in denial. Marvin really didn't want to be there when he snapped out of it. His sister was obviously there too, looking sick and much older than her 20 years. It was sick and wrong that he was watching this, he shouldn't remember them that way either.
He was a terrible son. He was short-tempered and irritable, always snapping hurtful remarks and apologising for them later. A glass-half-full kind of guy would have focused on the apologising, but he was forever a pessimist. All he could see now was all the times he'd given his parents hell over sending him out to run an errand; how he'd always thrown childish tantrums over trivial things like food (He hated rice and his mother insisted on cooking it. It seemed so silly he could have laughed); how he was never there for his family when they needed him because he wanted to be there for his friends, which now that he came to think about, was a really stupid thing to do. He'd cared about them in his own selfish way, rarely bothering to go out of his way to help out, rarely caring enough to just spend some quality time at home with them without having any requests or demands. It had got to the point where his dad automatically knew he wanted money when he tried to socialize with him. He was rarely even there to talk to his sister and help her through tight spots.. He was a terrible excuse for family. He didn't care enough to offer his help. Granted, he was always too lazy to help himself, let alone others, but he still wasn't a son or a brother anyone would hope for.
He tore his eyes away from his family and looked at his friends. They didn't seem much better off. They weren't tearful because they had to keep brave faces, of course, but it seemed like most of them would lose many nights' sleep over this. Everyone was there, even people he didn't like. He couldn't help but feel touched. He'd been a very bad friend to them - God, was he ever any good to anyone? Yeah. He was good to her. But she didn't hesitate to tear his life apart and show up to his funeral to ruin his death for him as well. At least his friends ruined her advances.. It would have been a real slap to the face to see her getting along with them. He was always too busy for his friends for one reason or another, but he liked to think he pulled through when they actually needed him. Or did he? He wasn't sure. All he felt was mind-numbing regret.. that he couldn't go back in time and show these people how much their support meant for him and that he was very sorry for having been such a major pain in the groin for most of them. It was ironic that all the people he considered to be his first priority back-stabbed him in cold blood, while everyone he took for granted always wanted what was best for him.
He remembered that one time when he'd just ended things with his ex-girlfriend and his friends spent a whole week taking it in turns to take him out and keep him safe from his self-deprecating thoughts. He remembered that time when his grandmother passed away and they all showed up at the funeral (Deja-vu) and kept cracking lame jokes to make him laugh. Ironically it worked and he was soon laughing like an idiot and everyone was looking at him like he'd raped a kitten or something. He wondered how he'd feel if people started laughing at his funeral and quickly made a mental note to apologise to grandma when he saw her up there.
His whole life was summed up in this room. This room contained everyone he ever cared about or shared a laugh with.. It seemed so pathetic it was almost obscene.. that this would be his legacy. He would just be someone's past, a picture in a frame hung upon someone's bed somewhere. A forgotten memory that might or might not bring a smile to someone's face. One of the thousands of faces one meets in their lifetime.. A face they might remember with a smile or a frown, a face they might come to associate with joy or misery. He suddenly felt very insignificant. This must be what another brick in the wall feels like.. albeit the broken, self-hating, selfish brick that he was in life. The worst part about this whole thing was that he knew what he was. He didn't have the luxury of pretending he was a good person. No one would swoop in and talk him out of it. No well-meaning genie would grant him a second chance to go back and fix everything.. It wasn't a Disney movie. He was dead. He had negatively impacted everyone in his life. There was no going back. Once the grief washed away, they'd all remember him for what he really was.
Suddenly he couldn't take it any more. He wanted to leave this place, to never come back, to get the hell away and go be damned in some deep, dark hole where he couldn't hurt other people or ruin their lives. He just hoped that when his ex-girlfriend died, she'd be sent to a different deep dark hole so he wouldn't have to spend eternity with her. That would be torture.. but maybe he deserved it.
He just wanted to be gone.
And so, suddenly, he was no longer there.
His time was up.
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