The Bondok blog Pilot

22-year-old-author's note: WOW that was a long time ago.
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WARNING: Not for children under the age of 78. side effects may include laughing, gagging, both, crying, sleeping, both, extreme boredom in some rare cases, and aching eyes because its a L-O-O-O-O-N-G read. You might need to bookmark it and come back later. Just sayin'.

So, where to begin?

I guess it all started that one fateful day (today, 10 minutes ago) when Aly El Salmy suggested on my Facebook wall to stop raping everyone's news feeds and actually start my own blog. Neglecting the fact that I am in fact proving that I DO have way too much free time and nothing better to do on a fine day-off than to  translate my own brainwaves to words than no one will read anyway, let's skip right to the point. What's with the surname?

Oh, dear God, if i had a glucose molecule for every time someone made an oh-so-funny joke about my surname iI'd be a diabetic and probably in a coma brought about by hyperglycemia. I'm sure everyone knows the classics, but why don't I shed some light on the life of a guy who gets random people he's never seen in his life asking if his name really is, in fact, a delicacy that sells for 70 pounds/Kg in Egypt?

Here are the classics, I'm sure everyone's heard them before:

*Bondok, fein Mickey??

*Bondok howa dah esmak el 7a2ee2y?

*Marra wa7ed kal bondok mickey z3el menno.

*Yo, Hazelnut!

*Yo, Nutman!

*Yo Nutcase!

*Yo N-man!

*Yo Nutjob!

*Hey, Goofy!

*Dude if u call your son James, he'd be James Bondok. Not many people are that lucky.

*Dude, you're nuts. as in crazy, get it? (if u R-E-E-E-A-L-L-Y focus, you can just about hear my eyes roll)

*Dude is your family-name nuts because you're compensating? Or are you all overly proud of your manhoods?

And, of course, my all-time favorite:

*Wanna sign up for Idungiveacrap club?

-Sure.

*what's your name?

-Mahmoud Bondok.

* Hahahahah. no seriously, whats your name?

Now don't get me wrong, I'm very proud of my name and how unique it is. It's just that I don't even like the taste of hazelnuts. Now, if I was called Mahmoud Chocolate at least i'd get teased for something I don't actually gag on. Seriously, sometimes I consider not having kids to stop the Bondok spawn in its tracks. Humanity has no chance, otherwise..

It's frustrating how everything about me is funny: my Hotmail email "ma7moud_ew3a_weshak_no_comment@hotmail.com" you'd think i was 3 when i made that email. I was actually 14. No wonder i was picked on at school. But even my college email is mahmoudbondo@aucegypt.edu because the email has to be 12 characters and my mahmoudbondok is 13 (you've just counted, haven't you?). Obviously my name is funny, my phone number is 0107777272 so you sometimes lose count of the 7's while dialing my number and you have to start all over again, not to mention the number of prank calls I receive. I don't answer strange phone numbers anymore. And taxi driver seem to have made it their own personal mission to give me funny statuses on Facebook. True story. I also look like a oh-so-Egyptian tabba3 on my National ID picture (there is unfortunately no way to translate that into English. Trust me, I've tried.) and a Nubian vampire on my University ID. Anyway, moving on..

So after the overwhelming number of jokes that I've already used to bombard the unlucky few who bothered to bring up this window and read what I had to say, you must either be thinking "that guy's funny" or "oh god please make him stop he's so lame I want to deactivate my Facebook account which brought this evil upon my head and raise a giant mob and raze his house to the ground".

Still, I think introductions are in order. I'm Mahmoud Bondok, and ever since I was a little kid I thought my family name was just a joke that wasn't funny anymore after dad had told it to me for over 8 years. Seriously, I personally didn't believe it. It wasn't until i read the name on my national ID that I accepted the fact that my social life would never be the same. I was usually made fun of at primary and middle school, and not because of my family name. It was at high school that I learned that being funny really is a good defense mechanism, which is why I look up to Chandler Bing. I've also recently noticed that I copy the behavior of the people I hang out with so i don't feel like the outcast I was before high school. It's involuntary, though, and it works, so sue me. Oh, and boo-hoo and what not.

So, what now? I'm out of things to say. I know the blog post is going in random directions all over the place and there's no chronological order, but I just write whatever comes to mind, and I'm random, so...

 I'm currently in the first stages of a really really bad cold, and I'm in that good-old white-trash phase where I don't eat or sleep and just spend all day watching random shows and neglecting my academics (Hi, Mahmoud Bondok, nice to meet you). God, I'd missed white trash phase. Long time, no see, bro.

So yeah, I've got to go watch some episodes of scrubs to fill my bored sick life and prevent my embarrassingly awkward honesty from ruining everyone's Tuesday with tales of betrayals and backstabbing hoes. True story. Meanwhile, here's a note I posted a while back that I'd written in a maths class, since I'm not in the mood to think up new jokes. God, how is it that Elliot's so hot?

PS: for some reason the short story is written in grey so just highlight it with your mouse and it'll be easier to read.

and i just realized that W-A-A-A-A-Y back there, I gave all my account info to everyone. you'd think I'd edit that, but meh.

THE VETERAN SOLDIER

Mayhem. Chaos. Shells raining down on positions like...like...rain falling on a thing.. People screaming their lungs out. That's the image that comes to your mind when you read the title, right? Wrong. It was more like this: 

"Hey, lefty, pass me the caviar, man, I'm sick of lobster! you'd think they'd feed us better shit in this place, but nooooo, it's always sea food, sea food, sea food! bah!" 

"Quit whinin', Danny, it's all we've got! I mean sure, we'd all love a bit o' hamburger or hot dog,  but we can't even dream of affording them. We'll just have to make do with the sea food, however disgusting it might be. Here's the caviar" Said lefty, passing him a golden platter filled with Caviar. 

Danny took a long look at the caviar, then he threw it out of the window. They heard a muffled thud and someone swearing. Lefty scowled at him. 

"You asshole, it's bad enough to eat this shit without you throwin' it out the window at the sentry officer! He's especially sore after yesterday's calamari soup. I mean, put yourself in the guy's shoes, what would u do if you'd head a dreadful dinner yesterday and some idiot decided to throw some fish eggs at you today? Calm yo ass down, man, have a pina colada!" 

"Goddamn it, Lefty, I'm sick of pina coladas and caviar and steaks and grilled vegetables and LOBSTER! I want some real food!" 

"OK, point taken, we're stationed in just about the worst place in Paradaisia, but it aint that bad once you get used to the food. I know, there's too much green and not nearly enough yellow in the scenery, and i know the women in bikinis all day long by the beach are getting on your nerves, we only get 5 days off a week, and we only get three hours free on our working days, and we stay at this goddamn lounge with the Playstation 3 and we party all day and most of the night, but that's how it is with all of us! Don't you think we ALL want to leave this shitty place and go chill somewhere with more explosions and less playboys? But we gotta accept it, this is where the fuckin' commanding officer decided to send us, and we're gonna be stuck here for a long time, bruddah! Accept it n move on, already! Dammit! And the blond girl hasn't been satisfying you lately, but she's had a dysfunction, give her a break! (yeah, the dream was getting weird) I mean, we men are lucky that we get no dysfunctions and our sexual activity isn't hampered by anything, but these girls aren't as lucky as we are, and its embarrassing enough for her without you complaining all the time! You should...... AMN IT! YES, I SAID YES! I NEED A FUCKIN' MEDIC HERE RIGHT NOW! DAN.... talk to her, maybe she can overcome her embarrassment and take some blue pills, if you catch my drift, then she will... NY IS DOWN! REPEAT, DANNY IS DOWN! DON'T U FUCKIN' GIMME THAT SHIT, HE'S DYING HERE AND I CANT SAVE HIM! HE'S MUTTERING ABOUT CAVIAR AND VIAGRA! I NEED A MEDIC NOW!... and she can get back to.... STAY WITH ME, DANNY! STAY WITH ME, DAMMIT!.... enjoying your... HE'S COMIN' ROUND! I don't think we'll lose him, but keep pressure on that wound and move him somewhere with less explosions. MOVE IT!... nights with her ........AND GIVE HIM SOME MORPHINE OR WHATEVER THE HELL YOU CAN GIVE HIM, OR JUST KNOCK HIM OUT WITH THE BUTT OF YOUR GUN, I CANT STAND HIS MUTTERINGS ABOUT PARADAISIA AND BLOND GIRLS! .... and maybe you'll <sharp pain, lefty disappears, all goes blank> 

Yes, well... it is pretty much like you pictured it in the beginning... 

To be continued...