I Died Today

I died today,
With so much still to do...
I'd thought myself immortal,
But death has no master.

I died today,
But I hadn't seen it coming;
It's not like anyone ever thinks:
"OK, it's my time to die now".

I died today,
But there was no hurt or pain...
The suddenness of my death,
Left no time for such sentiments.

I died today,
Extremely anticlimactically...
There was no heroic struggle;
And no emotional last words.

I died today,
With so much left unsaid;
More I'm-sorries than I could count...
And infinitely more I-love-you's.

I died today,
With so much love in my heart...
But in those final seconds,
I only cared about me.

I died today,
And closure was snatched away,
From all who ever loved me...
And everyone I still loved.

I died today,
With no one to hold my hand,
But that matters little,
For everyone dies alone.

I died today,
And as I took my last few breaths,
I mourned the death of hope...
For even hope cannot escape the abyss.

I died today,
Not knowing who I was...
When had I become
Such a cynical nihilist ?

I died today,
Hating every fiber of my being...
But there was nothing to be done;
It was too late to change.

I died today,
And I finally acknowledged the fact
That in the grand scheme of things,
My life had no purpose.

I died today,
But the universe shed no tears.
Time would go on, unfazed...
For life stops for no one.

I died today,
Yet I felt sweet relief...
As I savored the peace,
I'd never known in life.

I died today,
And I felt no fear...
Concerned though I was,
For those I left behind.

I died today,
Yet I was curiously calm...
As my soul ascended,
Into the great unknown.

I died today,
But it wasn't so bad...
It was the highlight of my life,
For my life did not matter.

The Cockroach That Changed My Life

Word of warning: this blog post has several jarring shifts in tone, as I’ve made almost no attempts at hiding my bipolarity this time. Enjoy the Bondok roller-coaster experience (which I go through dozens of times a day) 😊

This is a deeply personal blog post, which is why I did not share it on Facebook like I usually do. I only published it here for my own use.

*************************************

I’ve always wondered why we hate cockroaches… if, hypothetically, cockroaches were the size of cats, and they had the same playful attitude and level of intelligence as the average dog, would we have still been disgusted by them, or would they have been considered cute and some people would have kept them as pets? It has never quite made sense to me how a fully grown adult human, destroyer of worlds, conqueror of countless species and top of the food chain would be so thoroughly unnerved by a tiny creature that mostly keeps to itself, hides in the shadows and is virtually powerless to cause any harm to a towering giant, several hundred times its own size.

I’ve heard it said that human revulsion to cockroaches and insects in general is an evolutionary survival tactic, seeing as such insects are usually carriers of parasites and diseases; through millennia of human natural selection, the individuals who were most disgusted by these creatures -and therefore most likely to avoid them- were less likely to come into contact with the dangerous diseases they carried and hence more successful in reaching sexual maturity and passing on their hatred of creepy crawlies to their offspring.

That would make sense from a biological point of view… but what if the issue is more psychological? What if we hate them because we don’t understand them? Bear with me on this one; animals usually exhibit a certain degree of intelligence and our interactions with them are governed by a minimum level of mutual understanding; for example, we can usually tell when our cats or dogs are hungry or sick or sleepy or lazy or horny -first of all because we get the same impulses as they do; and second of all, because they are usually successful in conveying their needs to us. In other words, if we couldn’t relate to our pets or communicate with them in a meaningful way, they would be as foreign to us as the cockroach… an organism operating purely on instinct, incapable of intelligent thought, and therefore completely unpredictable to us.

Or maybe we just hate them because they're really ugly.

These thoughts raced through my mind one day while I was working out at my home gym. Don’t be alarmed; I’m not usually thinking about cockroaches by default, but on that particular day I was especially pleased with my pumped-up shoulder muscles… and it was while I was pridefully checking out my bulging deltoids in my full-size mirror in a gesture of vanity that would not be out of place on a 19 year-old, fist-bumping frat boy -but definitely was out of place on a 26 year-old adult- that I noticed an unusual chill in the room.

The lights flickered.

I shivered.

Something was very wrong.

And sure enough, I quickly noticed the reflection of a scurrying shadow at the bottom left corner of the mirror… and when I turned around, my suspicions were confirmed as I beheld what was undoubtedly the biggest cockroach I had ever seen in my life… in human terms, comparing its size to the size of a normal cockroach would be like comparing The Rock to Tom Cruise. It was large enough to have its own area code. It was the first double-decker cockroach I had ever seen; usually they’re quite flat, but this one was actually fat and tall. In a moment of hysteria, I briefly chuckled at the thought that that cockroach was probably the jock who had lots of sex at cockroach high school.

It was big, is what I’m trying to say.

What followed was that a startled, high-pitched scream escaped my lips as primal fear gripped me and I was temporarily frozen in place, my eyes darting to the only escape route out of the room. It took a few seconds of logical reasoning and mental pep talks to convince myself to calmly walk up the stairs to grab the bug spray from the utility closet and walk back to the room to spray the ever-loving shit out of the cockroach… which I did, but even watching it squirming on its back, flailing and clawing at the sky as it choked to death could not bring back my self-respect.

There I was, pumping iron several times a week in order to get stronger and more intimidating, and yet all it took was a cockroach -an admittedly massive cockroach, but still just a cockroach- to expose my hypocrisy and reveal my true mettle. The irony that the bearded, snarling, masculine, muscle-bound beast aggressively flexing his muscles a few minutes ago was reduced to a screaming little girl by a small insect was almost too much to bear… and it was during that moment of honest self-reflection that I realized I was overdue for a dose of humbling self-flagellation.

I am not a muscle-bound beast.

I am not a stoic hero.

I am not some ultra-masculine daredevil.

And it’s obviously not just about the cockroach.

  

I am also not a real writer.

I am not a real musician.

I am not an oscar wildian witty romantic.

I am not some mysterious, dark poet.

I am not a tortured lover.

I am not God's gift to women.

I am not a knight in shining armor.

I am not a genius.

I am not even nice.

 I am not what society, my parents or even I want to be.

What I am is thoroughly disappointing;

 I am a poser

I am selfish

I am proud

I am angry

I am anti-social

I am boring

I am a corporate slave with a job that doesn't even have the courtesy to be a 9 to 5.

I am very privileged and yet my inability to stop feeling sorry for myself is an insult to people with real problems.

I am not the victim, no matter how frequently I play the part or how good I've gotten at it.

 I am not some honorable noble soul... I am a self-centered narcissist with paradoxically no sense of self-worth, and no amount of manipulation will change that.

 I am a deeply flawed individual who fights his demons and loses most days.

I am… human. A human who grows more and more into a cynical loner as the days go by.

Let the records show that no matter how many people I've managed to mislead, the one person I ultimately couldn't trick was me.

A few months ago, I made a vow to learn to love myself, but I must admit defeat.

I am only human, after all. 

An ugly human I cannot for the life of me grow to accept, because he is not worthy of love or acceptance.

Come to think of it, perhaps what I hate most about cockroaches is none of the above… maybe I just see too much of my own ugliness reflected in them.

Darker Chocolate For The Soul

You know the drill, guys; I've had some dark thoughts in my mind for a while, and I felt like the best way to deal with them would be an emotional dump in the form of a series of short stories like I did last time.

Here's the link for part 1 if you haven't read it:
http://insert-bondok-sarcasm-here.blogspot.com/2017/10/dark-chocolate-for-soul.html

As always, I feel obliged to ask that you only read this if you're mentally and emotionally prepared for a heavy dose of melancholy.

I am serious, please don't read this if you're in a bad place.

*********************

She drunkenly flipped open the photo album, her tears splattering against the waterproof, transparent plastic sleeve of the first page.

The picture made her forget her woes for a sweet, blissful second... and she unconsciously smiled at the look of pure joy on the toddler's face as he played with his little rubber duck in the bathtub; she could almost hear his shrieks of delight as he splashed around in the bath foam... and whenever she popped a soap bubble he'd clap his tiny hands and laugh even harder.

She turned a few pages, and felt another blast of emotions as she looked at a picture of a beaming child in his brand new uniform. The memory was so clear in her mind that it felt like yesterday; the excited gleam in his eyes, her fussing over the tiny wrinkles on his shirt, the hurry she was in as she rushed him to her car so he wouldn't be late for his first day, the smell of his hair as she leaned in to hug and kiss him and hand him his little lunchbox in the parked car in front of the school gates.

She turned a few more pages, and her eyes caught a glimpse of a picture that gave her pause; the same boy had grown up a little and was standing next to a birthday cake with a number-eleven-shaped candle sunk deep in the chocolate frosting, its flame glowing merrily... in contrast to the forced, posed smile on her son's face. She remembered that day, too; how miserable he'd been when he came home; how he tried to avoid her questions when she asked him out what was wrong with him after they blew the candle on his cake; and most of all, she distinctly remembered the exact moment she saw that accusing look in his eyes as he told her his classmates were teasing him about his mom's job and calling her a whore.

She finally found the picture she'd been looking for: the last picture they'd ever taken together; a sulky teenager in a hoodie scowled at the camera as he tried to escape her attempts at a hug. She'd taken him out for dinner at a local diner to celebrate his first job... but he seemed preoccupied and wasn't paying her any attention as he focused his full attention on his phone. He'd been increasingly avoiding being seen with her in public, and it wasn't just the normal embarrassment a teenager felt at the prospect of being spotted with his mother... no, that was a teenager who was thoroughly ashamed of his mother and what she did for a living.

That night, he told her he was moving out. He told her he was tired of everyone associating him with her; that he'd had enough of all his high school classmates claiming they'd fucked his mom; that he was sick of them insisting that they could have her any day for twenty bucks.

Every word felt like a vicious stab... but somehow, she couldn't blame him.

How could he know how hard it is for a single mom to raise a boy all alone for seventeen years after his dad had bailed on them? How could he know how many other ways she'd tried to support him without selling her body, but that it was either that or starve? How could he know how many realities of life she'd tried to shield him from; how much she'd sacrificed to give him as normal a life as possible?

In the end, everything she did for him paled to insignificance next to "how" she did it.

It had been ten years to the day, and she hadn't heard from him since. Apart from a few drunken late night phone calls - which he never answered- she respected his wish; he evidently didn't want her in his life, as he hadn't tried to contact her for all these years... but sometimes she missed him so much, it was like physical pain.

For at least the fifth time that night, her eyes darted to the sharp razor on her table...

Perhaps tonight would be the night.

********************

Sometimes he wondered how he got there.

Looking back, the odds were almost comically against him... he'd gone from being a boy from a small town in the middle of nowhere to being a famous author with tens of book deals, book-signing events, cross-country promotional tours and a rabid fan-base. How was that even possible?

It was all because of her... and for her.

Not only were his writings primarily inspired by her and her stimulating presence in his life; but she was also his biggest supporter and number one fan. Whenever he started having doubts about his abilities, all he'd need to do was look at the degree of conviction in her eyes as she assured him that he was a fantastic writer and that he was going places... these weren't the vacant, slightly bored eyes of a supportive girlfriend as she offered some empty reassurances; these were the eyes of a massive fan who genuinely believed in him and wanted to read his words.

No matter how dark or depressing his writings got, she not only wanted to read them to learn a little bit more about him, but she also actually loved what he wrote... and that was all the motivation he needed to keep writing, even when the voice of negativity in his head denounced him for a mediocre, wannabe poser.

Year after year, he tried and failed and tried again at her insistence... and whenever he'd start doubting he had what it takes, she'd give him a brief glimpse at himself through her eyes and he'd be immediately back on track. It was one of those days when he decided that she was the girl for him; he wanted to spend the rest of his life with the only girl who could make him feel so exceptional when he was so utterly average... the only one who thought he was somebody when he felt like a complete nobody.

For years, she'd promised that she'd never leave him... but that was one promise she couldn't keep.

Before he knew it, he found himself alone in the world... without his safety net; his comfort zone; his home. The pain was indescribable... but after months of grieving, he decided that the best way to honor their relationship -and her- was to write about it. His first draft happened to fall into the hands of an interested publisher, and the rest was history.

There was simply no way he'd ever have made it without her unwavering support and belief in him... and even though their relationship had had such an agonizing, abrupt end; he couldn't blame her for it... and he would always be grateful to her for everything she did for him.

Fast forward to present time, where he found himself at the graveyard once again, quietly weeping at her grave.

He leaned down and placed a wreathe of roses in front of her headstone... and in its center, he placed the first copy of his first novel; the one that had started it all.

The book was flipped to the first page, where the dedication simply read:

"To the only reason for my success... I will always love you".

********************

Stolen glances; lingering eye contact at times and an averted gaze at others; a stutter and even the occasional blush...

The signs were there for all to see.

He wasn't exactly subtle about it, either... but then again, what teenager is? She could see him staring at her chest whenever she walked into the room and she could practically feel his eyes on her as she walked away from him... and at times she could even notice the distinct outline of his erection as it strained against the fabric of his jeans.

The boy was smitten.

All she needed to do was give him a metaphorical nudge; a lingering light touch, a flirtatious wink, a subtle brush of her breasts against his upper arm after an unexpected hug. She knew the power of the ever-expanding arsenal of a beautiful, blooming temptress, and he was just an awkward boy still trying to come to grips with his puberty.

He never stood a chance.

Sometimes at night before she went to sleep, she'd absently wonder why she toyed with him; she knew she wanted nothing to do with him and that his feeble attempts at flirting gave her the same non-existent sexual urges one would get from watching a puppy trying to learn how to use the stairs for the first time... the thought of him masturbating to her Facebook pictures -which she was sure he did almost daily- only made her laugh at best and recoil with disgust at worst.

Whenever he showed any signs of moving on or getting tired of her games, she would pull him back into her orbit; yet when he tried to make a move, she'd push him away... but always with an implied, sly hint of something more in the future if he were patient with her.

He was on her hook, and she would keep him there for as long as she could... it made her feel good about herself.

********************

Jim had to get used to his new reality. He had to convince himself that that was his life now, even when he knew it wasn't. If he didn't believe it himself, who would?

Every day, he'd go to sleep next to the most beautiful woman on the planet; the girl of his dreams, the one he'd always loved since he was a little boy. He'd catch himself watching her sleep sometimes, not believing how lucky he was... but no, he mustn't think that, ever.

Life was more perfect than he dared hope; he was married to the love of his life, he had two beautiful children and a dog (who hated Jim because his smell wasn't right); a successful, well-paying career and a house in the suburbs with a white picket fence. It was almost too good to be true...

Which of course, it was.

His life had been turned upside down that one day when his brother showed up unannounced at his house... the memory of that day would haunt him forever; John's arrival on a stormy day in the early hours of the morning, having taken a spontaneous flight to Jim's town without telling his own family; his nonsensical, inebriated ravings about mistakes he made and his determination to fix them; his gradual loss of consciousness after frantically begging Jim to take care of his family; and the look of silent appeal in his lifeless eyes as he rocked back and forth while Jim repeatedly tried -and failed- to resuscitate him.

He remembered sitting next to John's body for hours; grieving, recovering from shock and pondering how best to carry out his brother's dying wish... but who was he kidding? He knew exactly what he'd do the minute he realized his identical twin brother was dead... perhaps he'd even let him die on purpose.

Jim had always privately thought that he would gladly give anything to have his brother's life... and it seemed like fate had taken his wish quite literally. Besides, that was probably what his brother would have wanted... right? Who better to take care of John's family than... John?

It was decided... "Jim" died that day -of a self-administered poison according to the autopsy- and when John's family flew in for the funeral, they were received by a tearful, grieving "John".

They would never know they buried their own husband and father that day... he would make sure of it.

He owed the real John that much.

********************

After all that time, he still starred regularly in her dreams.

Usually, they were the sort of meaningless, disjointed dreams one has when they're exhausted and can barely remember in the morning... but every now and then, her mind would up the production value to the maximum setting and it would produce, screen-write and direct the perfect bittersweet, metaphorical blitz to completely ruin her next morning.

That was one of those nights.

She found herself sitting in the driver's seat of her ex-boyfriend's car for some reason; staking out his house... which is a nicer way of saying that she was stalking him. 

She was wearing his signature leather jacket and combat boots while listening to his favorite rock music on the car's speakers. It wasn't one of those dreams where she was aware she was dreaming... on the contrary; everything felt very real and none of those weird details seemed unusual to her dream-self. 

In the dream, she felt a strong sense of purpose; like she was doing a very important job for an important reason... but whenever she tried to mentally zero-in on what it is she was supposed to be doing, it seemed to escape her.

She sat there for what felt like hours, just watching his house and feeling an inexplicable surge of joy whenever his face briefly appeared from between the curtains of his kitchen window. Suddenly it was very clear to her; that was the only reason she was there... she simply missed him and wanted to see his face.

The voices in her head nagged and nagged; they called her an idiot for giving up on their relationship too soon, and claimed that she would never find love again... that she had lost the perfect guy.

She drowned them out by turning up the radio, and absently wondered how he couldn't hear the very loud music coming from his own car.

The voices in her head were getting louder and louder, but she couldn't turn up the volume on the radio any higher. She felt the beginnings of a terrible headache, and still the voices kept going... higher and higher and higher they got, until eventually they were all she could hear...

And just when it was getting too much, she saw her ex-boyfriend kiss a girl through the window.

It was her.

Suddenly, the world was as quiet as a crypt.

She wasn't stalking her ex-boyfriend with somebody new and wondering what could have been if they'd stayed together; she was actually getting a glimpse of what her own life would have been like if she'd ended up with him. 

It was somehow much worse... like a metaphorical punch in the stomach; the yearning, the regret, the loss of everything she'd ever wanted, and the inexplicable jealousy she harbored for a version of her in a parallel universe who wasn't stupid enough to give up on the love of her life.

She revved up the car's engine, and drove as fast as she could; away from her pain; from him, her past, her impossible future, and the voices... the goddamned voices.

She woke up with the realization that she'd never be able to forget that dream.

He would haunt her forever.

********************

They were fighting again... it was a particularly bad one.

His father had been drinking; but he wasn't normally the cliche abusive drunk... instead, he'd usually just wallow in his misery; sprawled on the couch in front of the TV, his eyes barely processing anything as he drifted in and out of consciousness. He was more a harm to himself than he was to his son or daughters... but tonight, he was the scary type of drunk, because tonight was different; his mother had stumbled into the house very late, also wreaking of alcohol. It wasn't that uncommon for them both to be drunk, but they weren't usually both home -and conscious- at the same time... yet tonight was one of those unfortunate nights.

It started how it always did; he made some comment about her being a cheating, drunk whore, and she took a stab at his manhood... but while he usually meekly snorted, drank and turned up the volume on the TV to drown out her goading, tonight he worked himself into a fury and before long they were bellowing at each other at the top of their lungs.

He knew what he had to do.

The first of many, many times that happened in his parents' explosively miserable marriage, he'd tried to intervene... but he found out that they were both too violent and too drunk to care what damage they did to him when one of his parents threw a beer bottle at the other -he forgot who- and it hit him in the head instead. One concussion and 6 stitches later, he learned that the best thing to do was just let them try their best to kill each other until one of them succeeds, or the neighbors call the police, or they both pass out.

Instead, he ran into the bedroom he shared with his two sisters and quickly closed and locked the door. The heartbreaking looks in their eyes were painfully too familiar; his eight-year-old sister Hailey, old enough to understand what was happening yet young enough to need a hug and reassurances even as she tried her best to hide her tears; and Sara, the innocent, playful four-year-old who usually just cried and tearfully asked him why they wouldn't stop fighting.

Without a word, they both crawled into their big brother's bed where he hugged them, whispered some soothing words and sang a few lullabies until they both fell asleep.

Only then did he allow himself to cry, too.

Silently, so he wouldn't wake them up.

********************

I guess that's enough for now... but don't worry, there's plenty more where that came from.

For now, please watch this video to stay sane:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ON-fOaTMWo

Rewind

Tick tock, tick tock
Time moved on, yet he did not.
And though his body may age and fray,
His mind stood still, forever stuck.

Stuck in times long gone,
Feeling pain no longer there.
While every day, he told himself;
Tomorrow would be a better day.

Yet that day would come and go,
And come and go again and again...
Until one day he found himself
Ten years older, yet still stuck.

He trained himself to look ahead,
Forget the past and all his pain
But he could wait till the end of days
And still tomorrow would never come.

The biggest lie he'd told himself;
That all he'd need to heal was time...
While the plain truth he tried to ignore
Was that he'd likely never forget.

If only time were like a film,
Which he could play and pause at will
So many would pause their happiest times
Forever stuck in bittersweet bliss...

Yet he cared not for freezing time;

The charms of his past held little sway...

If he'd had the power to control time,

He would always then choose to rewind...

Not to the time when he was in love,

Nor to the time when they'd just met...

He would instead go further back,

Before he'd ever seen her face.

Before he'd ever heard her name

Or associated it with pure joy.

Before he'd ever heard her laugh,

The music that once made his day.

Before he'd known her gentle heart,

Or touched the pain behind her soul.

Before he'd learned her greatest fears,

And held her close to soothe her woes.

Yes, he'd choose to erase it all,

With all the pain he knew would come.

He would give all he had and more,

Just to spare them both the grief

And though they'd lose the happy times,

They'd both go back to ignorant bliss...

And never have to face a world,

Where they both knew how much they'd lost.

So let's rewind and go far back,

To a simpler time with no regrets...

A time when his heart was still his own;

His mind not forever stuck in place.

New Year's Resolution

Dear Me,

We've made it through another year... and yet again, we find ourselves wiping the worst of the past year -which is most of it- off our feet on the metaphorical doormat of the new year. There were many times this year when we honestly didn't think we'd make it through in one piece- or at all- but we've scraped through with a Pyrrhic victory that leaves us exhausted and barely functional.

As you know, we don't believe in New Years resolutions; as our lives should be non-stop quests for self-improvement and growth, and choosing just one arbitrary day every year to evaluate the past year and decide where to go next puts us on a slippery slope down to complacency and decadence. It is our duty to be our own harshest critics... because if we don't genuinely want to develop and be better people, then what's the point of life at all?

It is no secret that I am not the biggest fan of you. We've been forced to put up with each other, which we've been doing reluctantly for the better part of three decades; and although at times we've found means to stay out of each others' ways and co-exist peacefully, that was never the norm. When you were the only person I was regularly in touch with for the better part of two years living alone abroad, we both had to adapt and tone down the mutually destructive behavior... but now that that's over, we fell back into the same ancient pattern we thought we'd moved past.

There can be no progress as long as there are two equal forces acting in opposite directions... and if we don't make a conscious decision to change this dynamic, then New Year's eve of 2034 (if we somehow manage to stay alive that long) will still see us embroiled in a vicious civil war where there are no winners. We owe it to ourselves to rise above this bitter rivalry and start on the path to inner peace.

This is not going to be easy- very few people are actually at peace with who they are. Being loved by someone is an amazing feeling, but it pales to insignificance next to accepting and loving yourself- inner demons and flaws and all. That is not to say that we should accept the bad and not try to change it; but rather that we should strive to accept that we are, after all, only human... and that no matter what we do, we are fundamentally flawed and in need of constant improvement.

That said, I believe we can make an exception just this once and decide on a New Year's resolution; because this one is necessary and significantly overdue. We've pretty much tried every other way already... so starting January 2018, I will actually attempt to hate you less and perhaps even grow to accept you. I've toyed with this idea previously but nothing ever came of it... and it's about time I gave it a real shot.  Although I think you are not currently worthy of love or praise, I will do my absolute best to improve you where I can and accept you where I can't... and in return, I expect that you will stop making it so easy for me to hate you; by being open to change.

Like it or not, we're stuck together for the long haul... so until that damn clock stops ticking, I vow to take the advice of someone who once meant the world to both of us and just learn to love you, you ugly son of a bitch.

Help me do it... make me proud for once.

Love (eventually, I hope),
Mahmoud Bondok

Dafuq Did You Just Read?

Mr. Pookie bear looked sad.

"Why are you sad, Mr. Pookie bear?" Asked Mr. Tibbers the bunny in a childish, high pitched voice.

Mr. Pookie bear pouted and turned the other way.

Mr. Tibbers turned around to face Mr. Pookie bear again, a look of concern on his furry, little face.

"Are you sad because Mr. Sun is leaving? Silly Mr. Pookie bear, Mr. Sun will be back again tomorrow!"

"But I don't like Mr. Moon!" Replied Mr. Pookie bear, stomping his feet unhappily.

Mr. Tibbers considered it for a few seconds, then a great idea popped up in his head.

"I know what would cheer you up, Mr. Pookie bear! Would you like a huggie wuggie?" Asked Mr. Tibbers, spreading his fluffy little arms wide as if to embrace Mr. Pookie bear.

"I would love a hug, Mr. Tibbers! You are a great friend!" Said Mr. Pookie bear, his dislike for Mr. Moon completely forgotten. He hugged Mr. Tibbers under a beautiful rainbow as all the other little animals of Marshmallow land awwwwwww'ed.

"Would you like a hug too, Mr. Angry Man?" Asked Mr. Tibbers as he broke away from his hug with Mr. Pookie bear.

"No I don't want a hug, you little shit" Replied Mr. Angry Man angrily as he paced around looking for the exit, like he did every day.

"Don't you love us, Mr. Angry Man?" Asked Mr. Tibbers, his eyes shining with tears. "We love you, but you're always trying to leave us!"

Mr. Angry Man didn't respond, preferring to pay attention to the task at hand.

"You are too angry, Mr. Angry Man. You should be happy, like us!" Piped up Mr. Pookie bear.

"Yeah? Am I the one who was throwing a fucking tantrum 5 seconds ago because the sun is setting? Fuck off, you hypocrite" mumbled Mr. Angry Man, more to himself than to Mr. Pookie bear... but Mr. Pookie bear overheard him and fell back into a sullen silence as he remembered that Mr. Moon was coming.

"We tell you every day, Mr. Angry Man... there is no door to leave Marshmallow land! But why do you want to leave? You can have all the fun in the world here, with us!" Mr. Tibbers was crying, and Mr Pookie bear was pouting, and Mr. Angry Man felt very close to committing adorable mass murder.

That was when Mr. Yummywuzzles hopped his way into the conversation. He was a shapeless blue blob who liked to pretend he was a cloud and spoke almost exclusively in cloud-related puns.

"I can feel my friends getting upset! Why are you raining on their parade, Mr. Angry Man?"

Mr. Angry Man was on his knees, too busy looking under bushes and smiling flowers for a trapdoor; an exit sign; a welcome mat... any possible hints for how he could get out of Marshmallow land. He ignored Mr. Yummywuzzles's question.

Mr. Yummywuzzles floated over to Mr. Tibbers and Mr. Pookie bear, hugging each of them in turn as everyone in Marshmallow land except Mr. Angry Man awwwwww'ed again. Then he turned on Mr. Angry Man and said: "Mr. Angry Man, just because a cloud is covering Mr. Sun doesn't mean it will be dark forever! I should know, I'm a cloud!"

Mr. Angry Man stood up, wandered over to the gummy bear waterfall and looked down. It was a very high drop, and he wasn't sure whether the laws of physics in Marshmallow land were realistic or not... the last thing he wanted was to impale himself on a chocolate tree.

Mr. Yummywuzzles gave an aimless hop and said: "Just like clouds can change their shape, you can change and be happy too!"

Mr. Angry Man was getting really angry.

"Mr. Angry Man should know that it's rude to ignore someone... clouds have feelings too!" Said Mr. Yummywuzzles.

"YOU AREN'T A CLOUD, YOU STUPID LITTLE BLOB! YOU'RE BLUE! HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A BLUE CLOUD? CLOUDS ABSOLUTELY DON'T HAVE FEELINGS BECAUSE THEY'RE INANIMATE OBJECTS... NOW LEAVE ME ALONE BEFORE EVERYONE ELSE STARTS HAVING TO CALL ME "MR. CHAINSAW MURDERER MAN!"

Mr. Fizzlebum must have heard the commotion, because he suddenly appeared behind Mr. Yummywuzzles.

"Why are you so angry, Mr. Angry Man!" Asked Mr. Fizzlebum, who was a sentient banana. No one knew who had created and named the various creatures of Marshmallow land, but evidently they didn't give a single fuck.

Mr. Angry Man rounded on him, all sense of composure lost.

"BECAUSE YOU CREEPY LITTLE ASSHOLES ARE FREAKING ME OUT! I'VE BEEN HERE FOREVER AND NO ONE HAS EVEN TRIED TO HELP ME GET OUT OF HERE! YOU CALL ME MR. ANGRY MAN SO YOU CLEARLY KNOW THAT I THINK THIS STOPPED BEING FUNNY MONTHS AGO, BUT NO ONE WILL LIFT A HAND OR A PAW OR WHATEVER FUCKING BLOBS HAVE FOR HANDS TO HELP ME!

AND ANOTHER THING, WHY ARE YOU ALL DUDES? I DON'T GIVE A SHIT IF YOU'RE ALL GAY AND HAVE DAILY DEPRAVED BDSM ORGIES AS MR. MOON WATCHES ON AND MASTURBATES, BUT WHAT DID YOU DO WITH ALL THE FEMALES? DO YOU HAVE THEM CHAINED UP SOMEWHERE? DO YOU EAT THEM? ARE YOU ALL SEXLESS LITTLE STUFFED ANIMALS WHO JUST HAPPEN TO CALL EACH OTHER "MR"? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS PLACE AND WHAT ARE YOU! IS THIS AN ACT OR ARE YOU ALL GENUINE SATURDAY MORNING CHARACTERS FROM A BAD CHILDREN'S SHOW?"

Mr. Fizzlebum turned black as old bananas are wont to do, and he burst into tears... but Mr. Angry Man wasn't done.

"I HAVEN'T EATEN ANYTHING SINCE I GOT HERE BECAUSE EVERYTHING HERE HAS A SMILEY FACE, A HIGH-PITCHED SPEAKING VOICE AND A STUPID NICKNAME! DO YOU EVEN HAVE THE CONCEPT OF FOOD HERE, OR DO YOU SUSTAIN YOURSELVES THROUGH HUGS AND SUNSHINE? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HUNGRY I AM? I COULD EAT A HORSE RIGHT NOW!"

As if on cue, Mr. Angry Man heard the flap of wings... and out of nowhere, a bright white unicorn with rainbow-colored wings landed at his side as the animals of Marshmallow land chanted "Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, Mr. Booboo's here!"

Mr. Angry Man had to wonder if maybe he should have wished for a teleportation device instead.

Mr. Booboo trotted over to the crying animals of Marshmallow land and neighed. They all gathered round and stared at him intently. He snorted and whinnied and kicked his rear legs, and all the animals started nodding as they gradually smiled happily again. Before long, they were actively jumping in their places; too excited to stand still.

Mr. Angry Man waited impatiently, silently fuming as he wondered what that was about.

Mr. Tibbers then frolicked his way -yes, he frolicked- to Mr. Angry Man, and said: "The animals of Marshmallow land have decided to help you, Mr. Angry Man! We will help you find the only way out of Marshmallow land so you can be happy again!"

That was a new and entirely welcome development. They'd insisted for months that there was no way out of Marshmallow land... but apparently he just needed to make a big enough scene to force them into helping him.

He straightened up and puffed out his chest, satisfied that things were going his way.

Mr. Tibbers was staring at him expectantly... then he asked him the most unnecessary question in the history of the universe:

"Are you sure you want to leave Marshmallow land? You can never come back! We would be ever so sad to see you go!" Mr. Tibbers looked downcast as he said that. Mr. Angry Man wondered why these creatures loved him so much when he was just an angry man constantly yelling at them. He took a deep breath, then replied:

"Yes, I'm sure. Get me out of here"

Mr. Tibbers called out to the other animals: "You heard him, friends! Let's go to the Bubbetty Wubbetty Tree!"

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" Replied all the creatures of Marshmallow land.

Mr. Angry Man was confused.

"Why are we going to a tree?" He asked Mr. Tibbers as all the animals started lining up in single file behind him because of course they were going to dance their way to the Bubbetty Wubbetty Tree. Mr. Tibbers stood at his back, while Mr. Booboo cantered his way to the front of the procession, presenting him with an unwanted prime view of his massive, muscular horsey buttocks.

"Because the only way out of Marshmallow land is to climb the Bubbetty Wubbetty Tree, silly!" Replied Mr. Tibbers happily. "Follow Mr. Booboo, he'll take us all there!"

And so, the most saccharine conga line of all time made its way across Marshmallow land to the Bubbetty Wubbetty Tree. They walked for hours; passing open fields with grazing pink cows; lush green hills dotted with sheep; rivers of molten chocolate and a marshmallow bouncy castle. They marched to the beat of the Bubbetty Wubbetty song, which Mr. Pookie bear was singing somewhere to the back:

One, two, three... one, two, three
I Wuv you, Bubbetty Wubbetty Tree
You are the prettiest Tree in the world to me
There's no other sight I'd rather see...
Than the beautiful Bubbetty Wubbetty tree!

That was it. That was the whole song. He had to listen to that on repeat the entire time; sung by a choir of shrill, squeaky, out-of-tune voices accompanied by a cacophony of cheers from the various Marshmallow land creatures they were passing by. Words could not describe how paint-drinkingly mad the song was driving him, but it was a small price to pay for freedom...

He just had to make it to the tree, and then all would be good with the world again.

"Patient presenting with a suspected cocaine-induced coma, prep the ER!"

Huh? Mr. Angry Man looked around him, but no one seemed to have heard that... then out of nowhere, he felt a stab of sharp pain in his head, more intense than anything he'd ever felt in his life. He could feel his heart racing, and it damn sure wasn't because of the Bubbetty Wubbetty song. What was happening?

Mr. Booboo finally stopped next to a massive tree and reared. They were there.

Mr. Yummywuzzles glided over to him and smiled. Then he yelled: "He's tachycardic, get me 6 mg of adenosine, STAT!"

OK, what the hell was going on?

He didn't have time to ponder, because that was when a vicious kick from Mr. Booboo threw him flat on his back as he desperately tried to catch his breath.

"He's going into respiratory failure, I'm going to need to intubate him"

All the animals of Marshmallow land were surrounding him now, still gleefully singing the Bubbetty Wubbetty song... Mr. Fizzlebum was tying his hands together, while Mr. Yummywuzzles and Mr. Pookie bear restrained him as Mr. Tibbers tied his legs together. He kicked and he struggled, but it was no use; they were much stronger than they'd appeared... and when he tried to scream for help, Mr. Fizzlebum stuffed a florescent green rag so deep in his mouth that he almost choked on it.

"We're losing him, I need a crash cart in here!"

They dragged him over to a particularly sturdy-looking branch of the Bubbetty Wubbetty Tree... and he understood what was happening.

There was no way to leave Marshmallow land... alive.

"He's flat-lining, starting CPR! Hand me the defibrillator... One, two, three... CLEAR!"

A jolt of jarring pain coursed through his body, and he lay there spasming uncontrollably... he was effectively paralyzed.

Mr. Fizzlebum propped him up on his knees as Mr. Yummywuzzles fit the noose around his head and threw the other side of the rope over the branch. Mr. Angry Man kneeled meekly beneath the tree, having completely lost his ability and will to fight; if he had to die, he'd at least die with dignity... or as much dignity as you could have while being hanged from the Bubbetty Wubbetty tree in Marshmallow land by a unicorn named "Mr. Booboo".

Mr. Booboo, who it was now clear was their leader, took the rope in his mouth and started to back away, slowly and painfully hoisting Mr. Angry Man into the air by the neck.

"ONE, TWO, THREE... CLEAR!"

He flailed weakly in the air as his neck was subjected to intense, unbelievable strain. It seemed to hold for a few seconds... then it snapped under the weight of his body.

"ONE, TWO, THREE... CLEAR!"

His body hung there limply as the animals of Marshmallow land sang themselves into a frenzy... panicking, oxygen-deprived and quickly losing consciousness, his last memory was the sight of Mr. Fizzlebum making eye-contact with him and touching himself.

"He's gone... I'm calling it. Time of death: 9:53 PM"

Mr. Angry Man had finally left Marshmallow land.

The Sandman's Closure

He woke up in a silent, colorless world of bright white.

Rubbing his eyes and shielding them from the glare, he looked around and found... absolutely nothing. It took him a few seconds to realize -with a twinge of panic- that he was literally the only thing in that world; right, left, up and down were all the same hazy, featureless fog, and he could see no solid objects whatsoever. He couldn't help smiling at the irony that a claustrophobe such as himself would also somehow feel agoraphobic.

"Am I dead?" He asked himself... but it didn't seem to make sense; it was entirely too peaceful a setting for what he imagined his afterlife would be like.

After considering it for a few seconds, he noticed the fog again... and something clicked in his head; he was dreaming. It was probably just a new way for his subconscious to amuse itself by toying with him overnight. Looking down, he found that -in a bizarre plot twist that went against the timeless laws of dreamland- he was actually dressed... quite sharply; in a tailored designer suit, no less. That did not make sense either; his subconscious specialized in traumatizing dreams... why was it suddenly so eerily toothless and not as intent on embarrassing him? He could only assume that the fun part of the dream had yet to begin.

He tried moving his body, and it seemed to move normally... so he had no handicaps or deformities that he could immediately notice. He tried speaking, and his voice was his own... albeit musical and serene with an angelic, other-worldly echo. Stranger and stranger- he usually sounded like a drowning cat in his dreams. The final confirmation that he was dreaming came when he tried jumping; the jump itself was not note-worthy... but the lack of gravity certainly was. He hovered in mid-air for a few seconds, processing this new development... then, as any self-respecting 7 year-old-at-heart would do, tried to will himself to fly... and he did! It was of course much less impressive when there were no land markers he could use to judge his height and speed; but screw that! The moment he'd been waiting for since he was 4 had come at last; he was finally soaring upwards in his dream, and damn it if he wasn't going to enjoy every minute of it.

Higher and higher and higher he flew, but the sky was literally the limit; no matter how much higher he climbed, the nothingness stretched on and on with no end in sight... so he decided to switch tactics, and swerved sideways... if there was nothing to be seen upwards, he would fly to the east indefinitely, and he was bound to find something eventually.

Soon enough he realized that he wasn't even flying; there were no winds bashing his face and making his eyes water... and his flight was not physically taxing; he was not stretching his arms like Superman or holding on to a hammer a la Thor or flapping his wings like a bird- his was a more elegant flight; more mental than physical... he was levitating as Magneto would.

Three comic book references in the same thought? Yep, his subconscious was back to embarrassing him again.

"Let it do it its worst in my dream where no one can see it", he reasoned.

After he flew for what felt like hours, he suddenly began to see something outlined on the horizon... and it took him a few more minutes of flying to figure out what it was. It was so bizarre that he dropped out of the sky for a few seconds before he regained control and brought himself to a halt... then he flew towards it with all the more vigor. A few minutes later found him at the eye-level of a colossal statue of himself which must have been at least a hundred feet tall; raised on a solid gold platform twenty feet high. His every facial feature was sculpted to perfection with a loving, almost supernatural attention to detail; he saw every beauty mark; acne scar and wrinkle exactly where he'd expect to see them in a mirror. His hair was waves of molten gold; glowing with a bright sheen, and his eyes were bottomless pools of peaceful, sparkling blue, in vast contrast to the wild but fierce black beard that covered the skin above his full lips as well as his chin and sharp jaw. Gliding downwards, he could see that his body was given just as much attention as his face had been; his shoulders, arms, back, neck and chest muscles were all exactly how he'd remembered them; except even more pronounced and impressive.

I will spare you the details from the waist down... but it was more of the same, really.

Mouth agape, he floated to the base of the platform and stood there wondering what could be happening... then he looked up again, which was a grave mistake because the statue was only wearing a scaled bronze skirt and nothing underneath.

Shaking the image from his head, he turned around... then gave a musical and serene girly shriek of surprise with his angelic, other-worldly voice.

His ex-girlfriend was sitting in a throne at the base of the gold platform... and the throne could only be described as a ten-foot, solid-gold replica of his lap.

She was sitting in a ten-foot golden throne made of his lap.

Her ten-foot throne was his golden lap; and that same ten foot golden lap throne was right next to a hundred foot statue of himself on a twenty foot-high solid-gold platform.

What was WRONG with him?

Was his ego really so massive?

Yes... yes it was. His ego was huge, but his subconscious was a gigantic douchebag even bigger than the statue for bringing his ex-girlfriend into this. She was dressed in an elegant, flowing black dress with a golden crown studded with diamonds, sapphires, rubies and amethysts nestled amongst her curls. She was also holding an actual, honest-to-God golden scepter.

"What's with all the gold?" He mused.

She looked down on him with a glare full of pride and chilling coldness... but there was also a silent appeal in her eyes, mixed with another emotion he could only guess at.

"What's with all the gold?" He asked.

"Tell me why you're here" She demanded, completely ignoring his question. Her voice was the same as he'd remembered it, but she also had the same musical and serene, angelic, other-worldly echo. He didn't like that... that was his thing.

"Why I'm here? You're the one who showed up uninvited... This is my hundred and twenty foot monument to my greatness, thank you very much. Get your own." That sounded too childish in his musical and serene, angelic, other-worldly voice, and he internally resolved to speak more like an adult.

"I have no time or patience for this. You will answer my question." She met his eyes and replied fiercely, in a British accent for some reason.

The answer he'd intended to give her was "Why are you speaking like Queen Cersei?", but what came out was "Because I owe you the truth".

Wait, what? "How did she do that?" He wondered, again outraged at his sadistic subconscious.

"I see." She said in response... then she hesitated for a second before saying:

"Well, let me start. I have some unresolved feelings for you. I don't know what to do about them, so I wanted to talk to you so I can finally move on." He knew then what that other emotion he'd seen in her eyes was.

He held his silence, waiting for her get to the point.

"Do you have something to tell me?" She asked impatiently.

"Not really. Did you know we could totally fly here?" He asked innocently.

"Fine, have it your way." She replied, then she looked him in the eyes again and forcefully continued:

"I would like to know why things did not work out between us. Talk." She demanded again with unflinching eye-contact.

Weirder and weirder... he was beginning to notice a pattern. It seemed that whenever she asked something of him, he was compelled to answer her truthfully. He noticed this in the split second window before he spilled his guts:

"In two words? Clinical depression. People think that if someone's laughing and seems to be having a good time, then they're feeling fine and nothing's wrong with them. You fell for that trap; I've always hinted at my depression but we never really talked about it much, so you didn't give it much thought... and it's easy to miss it, because depression doesn't always show. It isn't all about sleeping all day or being in pain or getting suicidal thoughts... it is sometimes, on really bad days, but you know what it's like for most days? Nothing. Like this place; which is probably why it's all my subconscious could dream up. Complete, mind-numbing nothingness.

You can spend weeks feeling no joy from anything you do. All food tastes like canned beans on toast; every shiny new thing you buy; every friendship; every success in life; they all feel like minor, temporary blips of happiness on an eternal flat-line of "meh". You never feel motivated to see anyone or to do anything or have the energy for it, anyways... and all you can do to distract yourself from the nothingness is to obsess about your job and your hobbies which you grow to enjoy less and less as you start to ponder the meaning of life and whether or not it's even worth it.

And these are the good days... I'll let you figure out how bad the bad days can get. They're unpredictable, savage, impossible to foresee and can be triggered by the tiniest of stimuli.

How do you think I could have still been a perfect boyfriend when I'm always drained by this constant war which has been raging inside my head ever since I hit puberty?

And then there's my self-hatred and tendency to relentlessly sabotage every healthy friendship or relationship in my life because I literally don't know how to be happy... yeah that's a particularly fun little fact I should probably mention, too... but we actually talked about this one, so it should come as no surprise.

Then we get to my anxiety and my inability to let things go. Whenever something's bothering me, I have to talk about it and I have to talk about it NOW. I'm normally a very diplomatic person, but it's difficult to keep it up when you have anxiety; the unresolved feelings of uncertainty are death to me... I always have to know where things stand, so when we had our fights and disagreements, it was difficult for me to let things slide or wait for a more appropriate time to bring them up again; I'd always say what I felt immediately when I felt it because I literally can't not do it, and that's how things kept getting worse... and I fully take the blame for this part.

My point is that it was easy for you to love me when I was being a knight in shining armor... but when you put me on a pedestal, it was impossible for me to live up to your expectations; and when I started being human, I fell from grace. I was no longer the perfect demigod who could do no wrong, and you couldn't handle that."

She was silent for a few minutes as she considered his words, then she replied accusingly:

"You know what? You're full of shit. You put yourself on that pedestal, not me. You stormed into my life and swept me off my feet literally out of nowhere, and always pretended to be a stupid white knight even when you weren't. How could I have known the real you when you were hiding him the entire time? You say that it's impossible to notice depression... so how was I supposed to know? How was I ever supposed to guess all of these issues if you never talked to me about them? You always pretended to be unshakable or unbreakable or whatever it is you used to call yourself, and you always changed the subject whenever we got close to talking about any of this. I understand now that you weren't withdrawing because you were trying to hurt me or because you didn't love me anymore; but you have to understand that it really seemed that way at the time. You should have talked to me... I would have understood." her voice was reproachful, and her eyes were shining.

"I know... I don't know how to show vulnerability and that's what killed us, wasn't it?" He wondered aloud.

"Yes... but it wasn't just you... it takes two to tango. I should have been more persistent... if I'd pushed you to talk to me, who knows? I think we were both just too proud to try." She concluded sadly.

They stood there -well, he stood there while she sat there in the ten foot golden lap throne- for a few minutes; then she asked the question he'd known was coming:

"Do you still have feelings for me?"

Eye-contact. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SERIOUSLY FUCK MY SUBCONSCIOUS FOR MAKING ME ANSWER THIS ONE.

Unless... because that was his subconscious, then maybe he could wriggle out of it. He gave it a go.

"I will only answer if you answer the same question". He replied, folding his arms.

It worked! It seemed like his subconscious couldn't answer on her behalf because it didn't know her answer; and since she couldn't answer either then he didn't have to. "I'M A GENIUS!" He thought.

He only got to bask in the glow for about three seconds before she destroyed his theory by saying:

"I think if any two people were ever truly in love, they never really move on. They do, but not all of them does... do you know what I mean? I think if we're born with let's say 10 love units, past loves permanently occupy some of those so there's less and less of us there for every new relationship until we finally wear down and become cynical when they run out. This doesn't mean I'm in love with you, but that a part of me will probably always love you and there's not much I can do about it."

Damn it, damn it, DAMN IT... now he had to answer the same question.

"I... think yours is a question with... many possible answers..." He struggled to fight the urge; tried to think about anything else... but it was too strong; he would either break or choke, soon enough.

"OK, enough of this. I can read your thoughts and I know how you feel. I've heard what I needed to hear, and I finally have closure. You can go." She finished dismissively.

What? You can read my thoughts? How can you read my thoughts? Is my subconscious actively trying to destroy me?

"Who says it's your subconscious? This is not your dream." She replied mystically.

"I think it's time I took you off that pedestal now"

An irresistible force was pulling him away. As he was yanked out of the dream, he saw her descend the crumbling ten foot golden lap throne as it collapsed, while visible cracks spread across his statue's torso with a thunderous clap as it fell apart all over the golden pedestal.

He woke up with inexplicable feelings of loss, but couldn't for the life of him remember the reason... then he shrugged and went back to sleep.

She woke up with a hopeful smile... she was free at last.

*************************

Now read it again knowing that it's her subconscious and things will make more sense.