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Saturday, 8 June 2019

The Moth and the Flame

The love of the moth for the deadly flame
Has long been pondered by many a man;
The moth ridiculed and mocked and scorned,
For the endless passion it has for its doom.

Never has anyone asked themselves...
What the silly moth might see when it stares
Deep into the heart of the shimmering flames;
That makes it crave their fiery embrace?

For though the flames burn hot and bright,
They keep many secrets of their own;
As dark as the dancing shadows they cast 
To warn the wise and lure the fool.

Though flames be pretty and warm and alive,
Cackling with untethered joy and zeal
Yet they consume all those who dare
Presume to think themselves their match.

And though the blaze may bear the moth none,
Of ill will or hate or spite or rage 
The flames will always ravage and raze
And the moth will always lose that game.

What makes you yearn for death, oh moth?
Do you truly hate yourself this much?
For you to choose to be enthralled
By what you know will bring your end?

I like to think that there is more
To this painful story than it may seem...
Could it be a tale of passion and love?
Could it be true that the moth knows more?

Perhaps the moth fully knows the risks
And made his peace with death and pain
For he well knows that without the flames,
Life would be too dark to live.

And before he burns; by God he’ll live...
The passion in his eyes as scorching hot
As the dazzling flames at which he stares
And where he knows his journey ends.

And while his fate he’s always known,
He also knows he’ll never doubt
Or have regrets about this flame;
The best mistake he’d ever make.

So save your tears for when he dies,
And let the moth enjoy the dance...
For though he ends his life ablaze,
He wouldn’t have it any other way.

Friday, 7 June 2019

Tired

I am very tired.

Tired of the same issues that have plagued me since I was little more than a toddler.

Tired of the constant battle with anxiety and depression and the insane lengths to which I go to deal with them in a borderline healthy way.

Tired of being in constant need of reassurances that -while genuine and heartfelt- ring hollow and sound increasingly impatient on their 375th recital.

Tired of being a burden to those around me- especially those I care about the most- who have to put up with these ever-present insecurities.

Tired of life on paper-thin ice; the structural integrity of which gives way under the slightest pressure from the most fleeting and insignificant of triggers; plunging me down into the bottomless icy depths of mania, anxiety and self-doubt... which I have experienced for every day of my life and yet will never grow accustomed to.

Tired of being the same old me, with the same issues and doubts and fears and insecurities and pain that I’ve always had; always shifting from one form to another but never going away completely.

Tired of being a negative influence on the lives of those I love... testing their patience and resolve and compassion for every single second of every single day until they finally have enough and decide to go away.

Tired of being so emotionally unstable and so full of self-loathing that I can still manage to shed tears on a sunlit beach on holiday with two of the people I care about the most in the world.

I wish I could make it stop. I wish there was a button I could press or a lever I could pull to shut down 90% of my brain so I can just live and enjoy my life as effortlessly as countless others seem to enjoy theirs.

I’m so very tired.

Tired of being me.