Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present to you what I think are the differences between our genders, showcased by a number of interactions between 5 friends. I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I enjoyed writing them.
Exhibit (A) - Stumbling across an old friend:
Women:
-Becky: "Oh my God, it's SARAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
=Sarah: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
-Becky: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
=Sarah inwardly: Fuck that slut
-Becky inwardly: I wanna wear your intestines as a scarf
=Sarah: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
-Becky: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
Men:
-Kyle: "Sup, Short, Pale and Fuggly?"
=Jim: "Suck my dick, asshat"
-Kyle inwardly: I love that guy!
=Jim inwardly: What am I having for lunch?
*******************************************************
Exhibit (B) - Compliments:
Women:
- Becky: "Your shoes are like so cute, and they go so well with your outfit!"
-Becky inwardly: At least her clothes are ugly enough to draw attention away from her fat face
=Sarah: "Awwww, thank you! I love what you've done with your hair!"
=Sarah inwardly: Did she get her hair done at a butcher's?
- Becky: "Stop, you're making me blush!"
-Becky inwardly: I will kill your entire family in front of you
Men:
-Kyle: "Kevin, you look different... new T-shirt?"
=... "Dude, I'm Jim"
-Kyle: "Oh."
*******************************************************
Exhibit (C) - Catching Up:
Women:
-Becky: "So how have you been? It's been such a long time!"
=Becky inwardly: not nearly long enough
=Sarah: "I know, right! I'm doing great, just got my Master's Degree, and I got a modelling job in Milan, so I live there now... Oh, and I'm engaged!"
=Sarah inwardly: Burn, bitch... burn...
-Becky: "OH MY GOD THAT'S SO AMAZING I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU"
-Becky inwardly: REACTOR CORE MELTDOWN IN T-10 SECONDS. 9. 8. 7. 6...
Men:
-Kyle: "What did you say your name was, again? Kyle?"
=Jim: "No Kyle, I'm Jim and I've been your roommate for 3 years. Kyle's your name"
-Kyle: "Dammit, I always get these two mixed up"
********************************************************
Exhibit (D) - Eating:
Women:
-Becky, eating: That bitch Sarah pissed me off so much, I deserve this treat... it's not good for my figure, but I can skip dinner today and go for a jog tomorrow morning to burn the extra calories and on the way I could pass by that really cute shoe store to buy that pair I noticed 3 months ago from across a crowded street and a few glass screens and a concrete wall and two armored personnel carriers and then I can go home and ask my boyfriend if he thinks I look fat and tell him that Sarah got engaged and expect some kind of response more elaborate than "Oh, cool"
=Passing Janitor: "Ma'am, are you gonna finish that lettuce slice?"
Men:
=Kyle, eating: BEAUTIFUL SUCCULENT MEAT <CHEW CHEW CHEW>
-"Sir, I'm obliged by law to not sell you any more burgers today because it's a danger to your health. Please step out of the queue"
********************************************************
Exhibit E - Multitasking:
Women:
-Becky, driving and on the phone with Nicole: "Yeah, so I told her that I loved her shoes, but I totally didn't! They were like so ugly" <signals right and turns left into a one-way street in the wrong direction> "and then the bitch had the NERVE to ask about my hair! She was so jealous, I could see it in her eyes" <swipes left 240 times on Tinder> "and then she started" <pulls off bank heist> "showing off her new job and" <chooses new podcast on iPod while dodging bullets from police pursuit>- "her fancy new life and I just wanted to remind her of" <gives birth, ends world poverty> "that one time I saw her with a hole in her left sock"
Men:
<Kyle tries to similtaneously walk and breathe>
Exhibit (A) - Stumbling across an old friend:
Women:
-Becky: "Oh my God, it's SARAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
=Sarah: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
-Becky: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
=Sarah inwardly: Fuck that slut
-Becky inwardly: I wanna wear your intestines as a scarf
=Sarah: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
-Becky: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
Men:
-Kyle: "Sup, Short, Pale and Fuggly?"
=Jim: "Suck my dick, asshat"
-Kyle inwardly: I love that guy!
=Jim inwardly: What am I having for lunch?
*******************************************************
Exhibit (B) - Compliments:
Women:
- Becky: "Your shoes are like so cute, and they go so well with your outfit!"
-Becky inwardly: At least her clothes are ugly enough to draw attention away from her fat face
=Sarah: "Awwww, thank you! I love what you've done with your hair!"
=Sarah inwardly: Did she get her hair done at a butcher's?
- Becky: "Stop, you're making me blush!"
-Becky inwardly: I will kill your entire family in front of you
Men:
-Kyle: "Kevin, you look different... new T-shirt?"
=... "Dude, I'm Jim"
-Kyle: "Oh."
*******************************************************
Exhibit (C) - Catching Up:
Women:
-Becky: "So how have you been? It's been such a long time!"
=Becky inwardly: not nearly long enough
=Sarah: "I know, right! I'm doing great, just got my Master's Degree, and I got a modelling job in Milan, so I live there now... Oh, and I'm engaged!"
=Sarah inwardly: Burn, bitch... burn...
-Becky: "OH MY GOD THAT'S SO AMAZING I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU"
-Becky inwardly: REACTOR CORE MELTDOWN IN T-10 SECONDS. 9. 8. 7. 6...
Men:
=Jim: "No Kyle, I'm Jim and I've been your roommate for 3 years. Kyle's your name"
-Kyle: "Dammit, I always get these two mixed up"
********************************************************
Exhibit (D) - Eating:
Women:
-Becky, eating: That bitch Sarah pissed me off so much, I deserve this treat... it's not good for my figure, but I can skip dinner today and go for a jog tomorrow morning to burn the extra calories and on the way I could pass by that really cute shoe store to buy that pair I noticed 3 months ago from across a crowded street and a few glass screens and a concrete wall and two armored personnel carriers and then I can go home and ask my boyfriend if he thinks I look fat and tell him that Sarah got engaged and expect some kind of response more elaborate than "Oh, cool"
=Passing Janitor: "Ma'am, are you gonna finish that lettuce slice?"
Men:
=Kyle, eating: BEAUTIFUL SUCCULENT MEAT <CHEW CHEW CHEW>
-"Sir, I'm obliged by law to not sell you any more burgers today because it's a danger to your health. Please step out of the queue"
********************************************************
Exhibit E - Multitasking:
Women:
-Becky, driving and on the phone with Nicole: "Yeah, so I told her that I loved her shoes, but I totally didn't! They were like so ugly" <signals right and turns left into a one-way street in the wrong direction> "and then the bitch had the NERVE to ask about my hair! She was so jealous, I could see it in her eyes" <swipes left 240 times on Tinder> "and then she started" <pulls off bank heist> "showing off her new job and" <chooses new podcast on iPod while dodging bullets from police pursuit>- "her fancy new life and I just wanted to remind her of" <gives birth, ends world poverty> "that one time I saw her with a hole in her left sock"
Men:
<Kyle tries to similtaneously walk and breathe>
<dies>
********************************************************
Exhibit F - Feelings:
-Becky: "I don't know how I feel... today, that talk with Sarah made me really insecure and I just really need some support right now... it's not fair, she always makes me feel this way, she comes into any room and effortlessly gets all the attention without even trying, she's such a diva and she doesn't even care about anyone else's feelings, it's all about looking bright and flashy and making all these rude comments about everyone else's appearances to make herself look better... We weren't all born with a silver spoon in our mouths, you know? Some of us had to work hard to get to where we're at, and you know what? I'm proud of who I am, what I look like and who I'm with. I don't have to feel insecure or down because then that whore wins, and I won't let that happen. Is any of this making sense? I need to know that you understand me!"
=Kyle inwardly: This is it Kyle, the moment we've been training for. This is prime-time and it's time to bring out the big guns... Let's go through the list of 5 feelings we've been learning by heart; Is she... sleepy? No, that's not it... hungry? Should we go for Chinese or pizza? No Kyle, focus... she said she had that lettuce slice earlier, so she's not hungry... sad? She's not crying, so that's not it... happy? She's not doing that thing where her mouth curls upwards at both ends, so not that either... horny? She's horny, isn't she? Man, I'm good at this!
=Kyle: "Of course I understand you sweetie, c'mere"
=Kyle inwardly: I'm so getting laid tonight
-Becky: "Sarah's boyfriend proposed to her, do you think we'll ever have that?"
=Kyle inwardly: Fuck.
********************************************************
Exhibit G - Flirting:
Women:
-Nicole: "I don't know what's wrong with him! I've done everything to make him think I like him!"
=Becky: "Did you look him in the eyes for 5 seconds and expect some sort of response?"
-Nicole: "Of course I did! I also kept flicking my hair and twirling it around"
=Becky: "What about your posture?"
-Nicole: "Chest up, arched back, facing him, unflinching eye contact"
=Becky: "He still didn't get it? He must be stupid! Did you touch him?"
-Nicole: "I was practically sitting in his lap the whole time"
=Becky: "Still nothing?"
-Nicole: "Nope. I asked him "how come you don't have a girlfriend?", I mispronounced words on purpose while giggling, I used "we" and "us" as often as I could, and I must have told him at least 7 times that I had no plans for the weekend... Still nothing!"
=Becky: "Well maybe you should give up on Jim... go for Kevin instead. Even though I have never met him and only glanced at his Facebook profile picture for 2 seconds, I sense that he will start liking you in exactly 3 days, 15 hours, 4 minutes and 13 seconds"
-Nicole: "Your sensors are off by 12.3 milliseconds. You should get them re-calibrated, I'll come with you!"
=Becky: "Oh you know where we should go? I know this amazing place where you can get your hair and nails done too!"
Men:
-Jim: "Dude, I think Becky likes you"
=Kyle: "We've been together for 5 years and we have a baby boy"
-Jim: "See? I told you"
=Kyle: "Maybe Nicole has a thing for you, though"
-Jim: "I don't think so"
=Kyle: "How do you know?"
-Jim: "She didn't tell me that she did"
=Kyle: "Oh. I must be wrong, then"
********************************************************
Exhibit H - Fights:
Women:
-Becky: "Oh my God, I think that's Sarah! Quick, hide me, I don't wanna see her. It would be so awkward!"
=Kyle: "Why would it be awkward?"
-Becky: "Weren't you listening? I told you about that conversation we had 3 years ago where we told each other nice things but secretly meant to passive aggressively poke at each others' insecurities. There's no going back from that! She's dead to me"
=Kyle: "Wasn't Sarah your best friend, roommate, maid of honor, BFF, Sista from anotha mista, love you to the moon and back, backbone and partner in crime?"
-Becky: "Sarah? Who's Sarah? I don't know that name"
Men:
=Kyle: <hangs up the phone with Kevin>
-Becky: "What were you guys talking about?"
=Kyle: "We were talking about the roadtrip we're going on next week"
-Becky: "Didn't you shout at Kevin for 30 whole minutes, punch him in the face, sell his wife into slavery, torture him for 40 days, delete his World of Warcraft account, stomp on his Playstation 4, and rape his dog; for which he kicked you in the balls, killed your mother, defiled me, burned our house down, took your sister hostage and stole all your money?"
=Kyle: "Sweetie, that was like a month ago... who even remembers?"
********************************************************
Exhibit H - Shopping:
-Jim: "I haven't seen Becky in a while, is she OK?"
=Kyle: "Well she went shopping in August, so I'm not expecting her back until next June"
-Jim: "Wow man, your wife is fast! Nicole hasn't been back from Victoria's Secret since we started dating 2 years ago"
=Kyle: "Shouldn't we get some new clothes too?"
-Jim: "Sure! Let's switch again, it's my turn to wear the blue T-shirt this year"
<Jim and Kyle switch T-shirts>
=Kyle: "Jim?"
-Jim: "Yes, Kyle?"
=Kyle: "I think Becky and Nicole left us"
-Jim: "Yeah, probably"
********************************************************
Exhibit I - Cleanliness:
<Becky and Nicole come back from shopping>
There's a passed out hooker doing a head stand against the kitchen wall, who Kevin pays no mind to as he screams at the TV screen because he is losing a game of FIFA against Kyle, who's covered in old socks and junk food wrappers and appears to be eating a burger directly off the floor, which apparently Jim took a piss on directly before passing out in a pool of his own vomit next to the door. There is also what seems to be a dead baby on a pile of empty pizza boxes and beer cans, wearing a diaper on its head. There is a line of white powder leading from the door all the way into the bathroom which Jim apparently got a quarter of the way through snorting before his collapse.
Becky and Nicole back away slowly and close the door.
********************************************************
Bonus:
<Becky wakes up Kyle>
-Becky: "Kyle, you know I love you, right?"
-Becky inwardly: I'm very confused right now, I don't know how I feel and I'm having second thoughts about our relationship
=Kyle inwardly: Kyle who?
=Kyle <rubs the sleep from his eyes, replies drowsily>: "Of course I do, sweetie"
-Becky: "Will you always be there?"
-Becky inwardly: if I run away, would you take me back?
=Kyle inwardly: Fuck, what is it now?
=Kyle: "I am here, and I will never leave"
-Becky inwardly: Let's see how far I can push him
-Becky: "Even if I get fat or ugly?"
=Kyle inwardly: Do we have to do this now?
=Kyle: "Always"
-Becky inwardly: He's gonna break, I can feel it
-Becky: "What if you meet someone else?"
=Kyle: "I'll tell them I'm taken. You have nothing to worry about."
=Kyle inwardly: I would never leave
-Becky: "I love you"
-Becky inwardly: good, he's held up to questioning tonight. Let's see how he does tomorrow.
=Kyle: "I love you"
=Kyle inwardly: I love you
<They kiss, Kyle gets ready to go back to sleep>
-Becky: "But what if-"
=Kyle: "Becky I'm tired, it's 3 AM and I have work in the morning. Can we do this some other time?"
-Becky inwardly: "BINGO", <rolls up sleeves>
********************************************************
Exhibit F - Feelings:
-Becky: "I don't know how I feel... today, that talk with Sarah made me really insecure and I just really need some support right now... it's not fair, she always makes me feel this way, she comes into any room and effortlessly gets all the attention without even trying, she's such a diva and she doesn't even care about anyone else's feelings, it's all about looking bright and flashy and making all these rude comments about everyone else's appearances to make herself look better... We weren't all born with a silver spoon in our mouths, you know? Some of us had to work hard to get to where we're at, and you know what? I'm proud of who I am, what I look like and who I'm with. I don't have to feel insecure or down because then that whore wins, and I won't let that happen. Is any of this making sense? I need to know that you understand me!"
=Kyle inwardly: This is it Kyle, the moment we've been training for. This is prime-time and it's time to bring out the big guns... Let's go through the list of 5 feelings we've been learning by heart; Is she... sleepy? No, that's not it... hungry? Should we go for Chinese or pizza? No Kyle, focus... she said she had that lettuce slice earlier, so she's not hungry... sad? She's not crying, so that's not it... happy? She's not doing that thing where her mouth curls upwards at both ends, so not that either... horny? She's horny, isn't she? Man, I'm good at this!
=Kyle: "Of course I understand you sweetie, c'mere"
=Kyle inwardly: I'm so getting laid tonight
-Becky: "Sarah's boyfriend proposed to her, do you think we'll ever have that?"
=Kyle inwardly: Fuck.
********************************************************
Exhibit G - Flirting:
Women:
-Nicole: "I don't know what's wrong with him! I've done everything to make him think I like him!"
=Becky: "Did you look him in the eyes for 5 seconds and expect some sort of response?"
-Nicole: "Of course I did! I also kept flicking my hair and twirling it around"
=Becky: "What about your posture?"
-Nicole: "Chest up, arched back, facing him, unflinching eye contact"
=Becky: "He still didn't get it? He must be stupid! Did you touch him?"
-Nicole: "I was practically sitting in his lap the whole time"
=Becky: "Still nothing?"
-Nicole: "Nope. I asked him "how come you don't have a girlfriend?", I mispronounced words on purpose while giggling, I used "we" and "us" as often as I could, and I must have told him at least 7 times that I had no plans for the weekend... Still nothing!"
=Becky: "Well maybe you should give up on Jim... go for Kevin instead. Even though I have never met him and only glanced at his Facebook profile picture for 2 seconds, I sense that he will start liking you in exactly 3 days, 15 hours, 4 minutes and 13 seconds"
-Nicole: "Your sensors are off by 12.3 milliseconds. You should get them re-calibrated, I'll come with you!"
=Becky: "Oh you know where we should go? I know this amazing place where you can get your hair and nails done too!"
Men:
-Jim: "Dude, I think Becky likes you"
=Kyle: "We've been together for 5 years and we have a baby boy"
-Jim: "See? I told you"
=Kyle: "Maybe Nicole has a thing for you, though"
-Jim: "I don't think so"
=Kyle: "How do you know?"
-Jim: "She didn't tell me that she did"
=Kyle: "Oh. I must be wrong, then"
********************************************************
Exhibit H - Fights:
Women:
-Becky: "Oh my God, I think that's Sarah! Quick, hide me, I don't wanna see her. It would be so awkward!"
=Kyle: "Why would it be awkward?"
-Becky: "Weren't you listening? I told you about that conversation we had 3 years ago where we told each other nice things but secretly meant to passive aggressively poke at each others' insecurities. There's no going back from that! She's dead to me"
=Kyle: "Wasn't Sarah your best friend, roommate, maid of honor, BFF, Sista from anotha mista, love you to the moon and back, backbone and partner in crime?"
-Becky: "Sarah? Who's Sarah? I don't know that name"
Men:
=Kyle: <hangs up the phone with Kevin>
-Becky: "What were you guys talking about?"
=Kyle: "We were talking about the roadtrip we're going on next week"
-Becky: "Didn't you shout at Kevin for 30 whole minutes, punch him in the face, sell his wife into slavery, torture him for 40 days, delete his World of Warcraft account, stomp on his Playstation 4, and rape his dog; for which he kicked you in the balls, killed your mother, defiled me, burned our house down, took your sister hostage and stole all your money?"
=Kyle: "Sweetie, that was like a month ago... who even remembers?"
********************************************************
Exhibit H - Shopping:
-Jim: "I haven't seen Becky in a while, is she OK?"
=Kyle: "Well she went shopping in August, so I'm not expecting her back until next June"
-Jim: "Wow man, your wife is fast! Nicole hasn't been back from Victoria's Secret since we started dating 2 years ago"
=Kyle: "Shouldn't we get some new clothes too?"
-Jim: "Sure! Let's switch again, it's my turn to wear the blue T-shirt this year"
<Jim and Kyle switch T-shirts>
=Kyle: "Jim?"
-Jim: "Yes, Kyle?"
=Kyle: "I think Becky and Nicole left us"
-Jim: "Yeah, probably"
********************************************************
Exhibit I - Cleanliness:
<Becky and Nicole come back from shopping>
There's a passed out hooker doing a head stand against the kitchen wall, who Kevin pays no mind to as he screams at the TV screen because he is losing a game of FIFA against Kyle, who's covered in old socks and junk food wrappers and appears to be eating a burger directly off the floor, which apparently Jim took a piss on directly before passing out in a pool of his own vomit next to the door. There is also what seems to be a dead baby on a pile of empty pizza boxes and beer cans, wearing a diaper on its head. There is a line of white powder leading from the door all the way into the bathroom which Jim apparently got a quarter of the way through snorting before his collapse.
Becky and Nicole back away slowly and close the door.
********************************************************
Bonus:
<Becky wakes up Kyle>
-Becky: "Kyle, you know I love you, right?"
-Becky inwardly: I'm very confused right now, I don't know how I feel and I'm having second thoughts about our relationship
=Kyle inwardly: Kyle who?
=Kyle <rubs the sleep from his eyes, replies drowsily>: "Of course I do, sweetie"
-Becky: "Will you always be there?"
-Becky inwardly: if I run away, would you take me back?
=Kyle inwardly: Fuck, what is it now?
=Kyle: "I am here, and I will never leave"
-Becky inwardly: Let's see how far I can push him
-Becky: "Even if I get fat or ugly?"
=Kyle inwardly: Do we have to do this now?
=Kyle: "Always"
-Becky inwardly: He's gonna break, I can feel it
-Becky: "What if you meet someone else?"
=Kyle: "I'll tell them I'm taken. You have nothing to worry about."
=Kyle inwardly: I would never leave
-Becky: "I love you"
-Becky inwardly: good, he's held up to questioning tonight. Let's see how he does tomorrow.
=Kyle: "I love you"
=Kyle inwardly: I love you
<They kiss, Kyle gets ready to go back to sleep>
-Becky: "But what if-"
=Kyle: "Becky I'm tired, it's 3 AM and I have work in the morning. Can we do this some other time?"
-Becky inwardly: "BINGO", <rolls up sleeves>
