Allow me to put this in the most nerdy way possible.
If men were represented by an equation, it would be:
X = 2Y + 7.
See? Very simple. You put a value for Y and voila, you can find X. No complications, no subtext, no need for anything other than simple logic. What you see is what you get.
Women, on the other hand, would look something like this:
We simply don't have the technology or the emotional capacity to understand women. Granted, some of us are more "sensitive" and seem to have a better understanding of women than others, but they are few and far between and I have yet to meet a man who completely "gets" women. Scratch that, I haven't met a girl yet who claims to understand her own kind.
Thus, since I've already provided mathematical proof that men are much simpler to understand; in the interest of facilitating inter-gender communications between our ironically incompatible cranial wirings, instead of trying to understand women I will now attempt to explain men's logic and behavior, in the vain hope of this message reaching some female scholars who will be able to decipher it and hopefully educate their kind on the ways of the dude.
1- Doing nothing is a perfectly acceptable pass-time.
2- If you want to be heard, avoid talking to us while we're gaming/reading/watching sports.
3- If we ask you what's wrong and you say "nothing", we will believe you. We're naive that way.
4- Bro time is sacred. If we are giving it up to be with you, we are making the ultimate sacrifice.
5- From time to time, we will need to bro out with some dudes. It has nothing to do with you and it doesn't mean we don't want to be with you anymore. It just means we need to make some crude jokes, game, watch some sports, eat too much, drink (for men who drink, anyway), work out and maybe brawl a bit.
6- Shopping is the worst punishment we can think of. It's not about you, we usually even avoid shopping for ourselves.
7- We have that one T-shirt that we probably love more than you. If we could, we would wear it 24/7 and get buried in it. Deal with it.
8- We really appreciate being taken care of. Even if we don't ask for it, making us food or helping us with laundry can make us love you on previously undiscovered planes of existence.
9- If we really love you, we will get jealous when you're hanging out or flirting with other dudes. Don't take advantage of it and torture us because we will start to resent you eventually.
10- We like it when you show some jealousy. Nothing over the top, but enough to know that you care.
11- If you notice that we've been working out, say it. Nothing can motivate us more at the gym.
12- We get very angry if we compliment you and you keep dismissing it and saying that you're ugly. We get that you're doing the whole modesty thing, but seriously ACCEPT THE DAMN COMPLIMENT.
13- You can't expect us to chase you all the time. If you're not meeting us halfway, our pride will take a blow, we'll start questioning your feelings for us and eventually stop trying altogether.
14- We are all nerds at heart. Whether it's cars, football, video games, Lord of the Rings, whatever... we all have at least one favorite topic we obsess about and if you take the time to learn more about it, we will appreciate it more than you know.
15- Sleep is sacred. Waking up to answer your call or reply to your text is not something to be taken lightly.
16- When we ask you to text us when you get home, we mean it. It's not an empty gesture.
17- Talking to us about your ex is NOT allowed, even to tell us what a jerk he was. All that does is tell us that you still think about him.
18- Guys have a different sense of humor than girls. If we find a girl that can genuinely make us laugh, we'll probably marry her within 2 years.
19- Every man wants to feel needed. If you overdo the whole "strong, confident woman" thing and refuse to let us help with anything, we will feel useless and eventually gravitate to that one dumb bimbo who needs help unwrapping her Big Mac.
20- Speaking of, a little helplessness can be cute, but being a hopeless klutz who can't tie her own shoes is NOT.
21- Drama is like sodomy or castration... we really really don't like it and we'd rather avoid it.
22- We don't talk much about ourselves, but it goes a long way if you ask us how we are and genuinely mean it.
23- It's OK to have some time apart every now and then, we don't have to be in contact for every waking moment. Sometimes we'll need our space.
24- If we said something that could be interpreted in two ways; one is hurtful to you and the other one is not, then we ALWAYS meant the one that is not. Believe me.
25- We don't DO subtext or double-meanings. If we're feeling something we'll say it, or heavily imply it if we're passive aggressive and our name is Bondok.
26- When you ask us what's wrong and we say "nothing", what we meant to say is "nothing". Seriously. If something was wrong we would have said "something". Stop nagging about it.
27- Sometimes we won't want to talk about something. Don't be offended, we'll talk about it when we're ready.
28- Sometimes we will seem preoccupied and won't want to talk at all. Just let us think whatever it is over in our heads and we'll be back before you know it.
29- Break-ups devastate us. We don't show it, but they do.
30- Eating out with the bros almost always develops into a testosterone-fueled eating contest.
31- The most fun car rides we ever have are the ones where there's 12 of us crammed in the back seat, 3 riding shotgun and 5 in the trunk.
32- If we speak to you when we're at work, it usually means we're stressed and need to talk to you for the sake of our sanity... so try to reply as soon as you can.
33- We definitely love pizza more than you. We're sure you understand.
34- Don't be offended if we still prefer to hang out with our own bros even after meeting your friends. They might be very cool people, but it would take years before they understand the inside jokes and the private language we've already developed with our long-time bros.
35- Here's a chart of the different girl tiers of friendship and their dude equivalents to help you understand what we mean by "bro":
Girl with me in yoga class = Some dude
My friend who I met 20 minutes ago for the first time in my life = Some dude
Partner in mischief = Some drunk dude
Bestie = Cool Dude
BACKBONE SUPPORT SYSTEMMMM <3 = N/A
LOVE YOU TO THE MOON AND BACK BFF FOREVER = Dude I only hang out with in groups
BLOOD-SISTA FROM ANOTHA MISTA = Friend
SOULMATE OMG I CAN'T EVEN = Good Friend
N/A = Close Friend
N/A = Best Friend
N/A = Bro
So as you can see, "bro" status is the single highest honor a dude can bestow upon another dude. Very rarely, a girl can be made a bro if she has shown herself worthy, but usually it is a dude we have been great friends with for 5+ years AND/OR the length of 2 relationships AND/OR we share more than 4 interests with. The rules are very strict and non-negotiable.
36- No denying it, we are visual creatures. Yes, we care about looks, but they're not the only factor. You can never have our love if you just look pretty. We'll come for your looks, but it's your personality that'll make us stay.
37- When we learn that a girl we like is already with another dude, we respect that, even if we don't know the guy. Only the lowest of the low tries to steal the girl. Take notes, girls... if he tries to get you to break up with your boyfriend (unless he's a total douchebag who doesn't treat you well), then he's not the kind of guy you'd want to be with. The only exception to this rule is if the guy she's with is a complete scumbag who's taking advantage of her and doesn't deserve her; only in such cases is the girl fair game.
38- We're poor idiots who believe what they see. If you wear make-up we will think this is how you actually look like, and if you're a decent human being you won't take advantage of that because it's mean.
39- Aimlessly driving around with our bros and talking about life in parked cars is our idea of a therapy session.
36- No denying it, we are visual creatures. Yes, we care about looks, but they're not the only factor. You can never have our love if you just look pretty. We'll come for your looks, but it's your personality that'll make us stay.
37- When we learn that a girl we like is already with another dude, we respect that, even if we don't know the guy. Only the lowest of the low tries to steal the girl. Take notes, girls... if he tries to get you to break up with your boyfriend (unless he's a total douchebag who doesn't treat you well), then he's not the kind of guy you'd want to be with. The only exception to this rule is if the guy she's with is a complete scumbag who's taking advantage of her and doesn't deserve her; only in such cases is the girl fair game.
38- We're poor idiots who believe what they see. If you wear make-up we will think this is how you actually look like, and if you're a decent human being you won't take advantage of that because it's mean.
39- Aimlessly driving around with our bros and talking about life in parked cars is our idea of a therapy session.
40- Just for the sake of completeness... boobs.
I hope this was an insightful read, and I'll keep adding more points as I remember them. For now, please let me deliver one final message to girls everywhere who might be reading this; cut us some slack. You're as simple as advanced astrophysics to us, and if you try to make our lives simpler every now and then we promise we won't be ungrateful.
May your days be filled with shopping bags and stuff that doesn't smell like socks, unlike most things at our houses.
