I'm not really sure what I'm here to say. Maybe I'm feeling guilty because the last time I wrote something, it was still 2014... which doesn't seem so long ago, to be honest. Maybe I came here to vent. Maybe I felt like catching a whiff of my comfort zone, shattered beyond repair.
Or maybe I wanted to get some closure.
"Closure for what", you ask? The end of life as I know it.
Anyone who's ever been within bitching distance of me knows how much I tend to romanticize things and get overly sentimental. Small wonder then, that I've grown so attached to my comfort zone, which I've taken to a whole new plane of existence. I've built towers and castles and palaces of solitude. I've spent so much time fortifying myself in that zone, building defenses and unbreakable walls and isolating myself in my endless quest to push away everyone who ever cared... maybe out of fear of weakness, or an unshakable desire for independence... or perhaps a bit of both.
At any rate, it worked. And you know what's ironic? It wasn't my choice this time.
All these years, I've taken a fierce pride in my minimal need for other people. Yeah, I have lots of friends. Sure, I have a loving family. I've heard it all before, so unroll your eyes or get out of my blog. My whole life is built around the fact that we come into this world alone, and we're going to exit it alone. Everyone you interact with is going to leave at some point, and the sooner you come to terms with it, the sooner you start being comfortable in your own company. Years spent trying to convince myself that friendships and relationships matter have been completely fruitless, because no human relationship is sacred. Ultimately, very few people would actually go out of their way to help or support their loved ones... and I've been one of that unlucky number for most of my life, so you'll forgive me if I'm a bit cynical, having received very little in return.
"But Bondok, you handsome bastard, you're like one of the most popular and awesome people I know and I'm standing in a queue of very hot girls who'd do anything for you and I kind of forgot my point!", you ask? Well have no fear because I have no idea where I was going with that anyways.
My point is, I've always had the choice. Whenever I wanted to switch between "social butterfly" mode and "antisocial lone wolf" mode, I only had to flick a mental switch. It was really that simple.
Now I won't really have that option.
"But Bondok, why are you being so vague and mysterious and OMG it's so sexy!", you ask? Like I said, I have no idea what I'm here to say. I'm just starting to wonder if this is what I really want. Maybe there is another way. Maybe I don't have to be a dark, brooding, self-defeating protagonist in a bad 80s movie. "Maybe you don't have to have imaginary conversations with yourself on your own blog, you sexy beast", you say? You're completely right, but stop sucking up to me because I'm getting tired of it.
Now I will have to get a one-way ticket out of my comfort zone, knowing the implications full well. I am forever gone, and will never return. I will be that alien, wandering around a strange alternate universe where I don't belong, knowing that I've been banished from the home I've been living in for 23 years. And now as I wander through the debris of my fallen towers and the empty halls of my comfort zone for the last time, I wonder if it was all worth it. I wonder if maybe I had it wrong. Maybe I didn't make use of a valuable resource that I won't have access to anymore. Maybe now that I'll have the rug pulled from under my feet, I could have used a soft cushion to break my fall.
But all I have is the emptiness and solitude. And what makes me worry is that that's the way I like it.
It feels a bit like home.
Or maybe I wanted to get some closure.
"Closure for what", you ask? The end of life as I know it.
Anyone who's ever been within bitching distance of me knows how much I tend to romanticize things and get overly sentimental. Small wonder then, that I've grown so attached to my comfort zone, which I've taken to a whole new plane of existence. I've built towers and castles and palaces of solitude. I've spent so much time fortifying myself in that zone, building defenses and unbreakable walls and isolating myself in my endless quest to push away everyone who ever cared... maybe out of fear of weakness, or an unshakable desire for independence... or perhaps a bit of both.
At any rate, it worked. And you know what's ironic? It wasn't my choice this time.
All these years, I've taken a fierce pride in my minimal need for other people. Yeah, I have lots of friends. Sure, I have a loving family. I've heard it all before, so unroll your eyes or get out of my blog. My whole life is built around the fact that we come into this world alone, and we're going to exit it alone. Everyone you interact with is going to leave at some point, and the sooner you come to terms with it, the sooner you start being comfortable in your own company. Years spent trying to convince myself that friendships and relationships matter have been completely fruitless, because no human relationship is sacred. Ultimately, very few people would actually go out of their way to help or support their loved ones... and I've been one of that unlucky number for most of my life, so you'll forgive me if I'm a bit cynical, having received very little in return.
"But Bondok, you handsome bastard, you're like one of the most popular and awesome people I know and I'm standing in a queue of very hot girls who'd do anything for you and I kind of forgot my point!", you ask? Well have no fear because I have no idea where I was going with that anyways.
My point is, I've always had the choice. Whenever I wanted to switch between "social butterfly" mode and "antisocial lone wolf" mode, I only had to flick a mental switch. It was really that simple.
Now I won't really have that option.
"But Bondok, why are you being so vague and mysterious and OMG it's so sexy!", you ask? Like I said, I have no idea what I'm here to say. I'm just starting to wonder if this is what I really want. Maybe there is another way. Maybe I don't have to be a dark, brooding, self-defeating protagonist in a bad 80s movie. "Maybe you don't have to have imaginary conversations with yourself on your own blog, you sexy beast", you say? You're completely right, but stop sucking up to me because I'm getting tired of it.
Now I will have to get a one-way ticket out of my comfort zone, knowing the implications full well. I am forever gone, and will never return. I will be that alien, wandering around a strange alternate universe where I don't belong, knowing that I've been banished from the home I've been living in for 23 years. And now as I wander through the debris of my fallen towers and the empty halls of my comfort zone for the last time, I wonder if it was all worth it. I wonder if maybe I had it wrong. Maybe I didn't make use of a valuable resource that I won't have access to anymore. Maybe now that I'll have the rug pulled from under my feet, I could have used a soft cushion to break my fall.
But all I have is the emptiness and solitude. And what makes me worry is that that's the way I like it.
It feels a bit like home.
